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Wow. It's been
Chatterbox: Inkwell
Wow. It's been
Wow. It's been awhile since I've made a thread of my own. I was just looking for some constructive criticism on the following poems. Sorry if they are a bit difficult to read.
1. Paper hearts/ Easy to tear/ Easy to see/ Hearts tattooed on my sleeve./I don't know why/ I write poems about you/ When all you know is/ How to leave.
2. Insomnia/ Refuse to sleep/ You silhouette flits/ Through my dreams/ Broken wings/ No longer fly/ Leave me, grounded/ Wondering why.
3. Dictate my dreams/ Your name, in my sleep/ Love thee by breath/ Fragile heart to keep. (Not sure why I said "thee". You might want to critique that.)
4. In his shaking fist a wilted bargain/ In his despairing mind a desperate plea/ Through the rusted wrought iron gates/ To where he understands his love to be./ He seeks her out among trees and stones/ The girl who keeps clutched his heart/ The girl who loved him for a time/ With whom he cannot part./ The sky above erupts in sobs/ So heartrending his proposition/ For an eternal exchange of himself/ If only forbidding fate will listen./ The thunder rumbles as if to jeer/ At the rutted rivulets on his face/ As he shamelessly implores forgiveness/ And takes his rightful place/Kneeling beneath the young one weeping/ His face against the muddy ground/ Begging for the girl he knows/ Only six feet under can be found./ He stands again, denied once more/ For sake of a plan fragile as glass./ He stands again, with a cry once more/ Forsakes halves of his heart atop the grass.
5. Faded russet photographs/ Those clad in black dresses twirl/ And white petals in the dusk/ Begin to shamelessly swirl/ With a knife in her back/ And scars dividing her chest/(Strictly metaphorical, of course) Her killers weep, a pretense/ As she is laid to rest.
submitted by Katie, age 13, outside looking
(May 1, 2011 - 10:47 am)
(May 1, 2011 - 10:47 am)
Um. It might be easier to read if you wrote it like this:
1. Paper hearts
Easy to tear
Easy to see
Hearts tattooed on my sleeve.
I don't know why
I write poems about you
When all you know is
How to leave.
2. Insomnia
Refuse to sleep
You silhouette flits
Through my dreams
Broken wings
No longer fly
Leave me, grounded
Wondering why.
3. Dictate my dreams
Your name, in my sleep
Love thee by breath
Fragile heart to keep.
(Not sure why I said "thee". You might want to critique that.)
4. In his shaking fist a wilted bargain
In his despairing mind a desperate plea
Through the rusted wrought iron gates
To where he understands his love to be.
He seeks her out among trees and stones
The girl who keeps clutched his heart
The girl who loved him for a time
With whom he cannot part.
The sky above erupts in sobs
So heartrending his proposition
For an eternal exchange of himself
If only forbidding fate will listen.
The thunder rumbles as if to jeer
At the rutted rivulets on his face
As he shamelessly implores forgiveness
And takes his rightful place
Kneeling beneath the young one weeping
His face against the muddy ground
Begging for the girl he knows
Only six feet under can be found.
He stands again, denied once more
For sake of a plan fragile as glass.
He stands again, with a cry once more
Forsakes halves of his heart atop the grass.
5. Faded russet photographs
Those clad in black dresses twirl
And white petals in the dusk
Begin to shamelessly swirl
With a knife in her back
And scars dividing her chest(Strictly metaphorical, of course)
Her killers weep, a pretense
As she is laid to rest.
(May 1, 2011 - 2:51 pm)
Righto. Thanks. Let's pretend I did that in the first place.
Top, eh?
(May 2, 2011 - 9:17 pm)
1. Paper hearts
Easy to tear
Easy to see
Hearts tattooed on my sleeve.
I don't know why
I write poems about you
When all you know is
How to leave.
2. Insomnia
Refuse to sleep
Your silhouette flits
Through my dreams
Broken wings
No longer fly
You leave me, grounded
Wondering why.
3. Dictate my dreams
Your name, in my sleep
Love you by breath
Fragile heart to keep.
4. In his shaking fist a wilted bargain
In his despairing mind a desperate plea
Through the rusted wrought iron gates
To where he knows his love to be.
He seeks her out among trees and stones
The girl whose hands surround his heart
The girl who loved him for a time
With whom he now can never part.
The sky above erupts in sobs
So heartrending his proposition
For an eternal exchange of himself
If only forbidding fate will listen.
The thunder rumbles as if to jeer
At the rutted rivulets on his face
As he shamelessly implores forgiveness
And as he takes his rightful place
Kneeling beneath the one who's weeping
His face against the muddy ground
Begging for the girl he knows
Only six feet under can be found. ?? How can this be changed to make more sense?
He stands again, denied once more
For the sake of a plan as fragile as glass.
He stands again, with a cry once more
Leaving halves of his heart atop the grass.
5. Faded russet photographs
Those clad in black dresses twirl
And white petals in the dusk
Begin to shamelessly swirl
With a knife in her back
And scars dividing her chest
Her killers weep, a pretense
As she is laid to rest.
These are really, really beautiful.
I put suggestions in bold. Take 'em or leave 'em, whatever. My favorite is the last one because it is so mysterious. Well, all of them are my favorite!
(May 10, 2011 - 6:09 pm)
I love them! All of them! They're great! I only have one issue, and it's grammatical. I love the actual poem. It's this one:
3. Dictate my dreams
Your name, in my sleep
Love thee by breath
Fragile heart to keep.
Your and thee don't go together. You should either change your to thy or thee to you; either works. Also, wouldn't it be I love thee/you by breath, or am I misinterpreting it? It's just a tiny bit unclear.
(May 2, 2011 - 10:12 pm)
I like the fourth one. It made me cry.
(May 3, 2011 - 4:55 pm)
They were all great! I liked the fourth once best, I think. Great job!
(Oh, and to Jess, great song quoting there ;) haha :) I did that play this year! :) )
(May 4, 2011 - 7:04 pm)
I loved numbers one and five.
(May 5, 2011 - 11:13 am)