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Hello! I wrote
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Hello! I wrote
Hello! I wrote this poem and I really want to know if it's good.
Green leaves
Black water
Light reflecting off the leaves
And a butter yellow water lily
Peeking out from under the leaves
Flames in its center
Please tell me if it's good or bad!
submitted by Katia S., age 10, Chicago IL
(February 16, 2011 - 9:39 pm)
(February 16, 2011 - 9:39 pm)
Katia, I really like your name. It's very pretty, just like this poem. I like your descriptions. My one thing would be:
Light reflecting off the leaves ------ I would take out this line. I don't know why, I just don't particularly think it fits with the poem. Without this line, I think the poem flows better. But, its your poem. Great Job!
Robyn~D~
(February 18, 2011 - 4:28 pm)
Your poem's great! But I think you overused the word, "leaves" just a tiny bit. :-)
(February 21, 2011 - 1:35 pm)
Agreed. As a rule of thumb, its usually not good to use the same word more than once in the same poem, and doubly so when the poem in question is so very short.
(February 22, 2011 - 4:58 pm)
I loved the poem! I think it's beautiful, like R~D~ said, though I agree with Olive that you overused 'leaves' a bit.
Your name is quite similar to mine in real life; really they're different versions of the same name. I'm Katie. I like your versioon better; there are actually a few people who call me Katia--though, ironically, none of them are people I know well.
(February 21, 2011 - 6:40 pm)
@ RD I think the reason you don't like that line is it isn't as descriptive as others.
@ Katia-- Beautiful name and beautiful poem. I like your descriptions... :)
(February 22, 2011 - 10:00 am)
Realy pretty poem. The only thing I would say is to change the line after "butter yellow water lily" to "Peeking out from underneath" or something with six or seven syllables instead of eight. It would flow a little better there.
Very good job! I like how colorful it is!
(February 24, 2011 - 3:06 pm)