Places to Chat
Poem!
Chatterbox: Inkwell
Poem!
Poem!
I haven't posted one of my poems for a while. What poem should I post... There's to many! Oh, I know, that one:
SMILE; STAY HAPPY (still working on the name...)
There are my shoes
With the yellow paint on the toes
and there is the smoke
With grey spirals
And where is my frown
That is broke
Well I'm happy
I know that my smile
Is on my face
Well I'm happy
And that smile is gonna stay
Just in case
So if anything
Would happen
That might turn this smile
Into a frown
Then I'll have
Something to shield myself.
~~~~
It's funny, when I wrote it I was like, 'this is a great poem!' Now after I read it over again it's like 'It's OK.' Tell me your thoughts, give name idea's, etc...
submitted by Medd (Meadow), age 12, CB
(April 20, 2010 - 12:53 pm)
(April 20, 2010 - 12:53 pm)
i like it!
(April 20, 2010 - 4:19 pm)
There are my shoes
With the yellow paint on the toes
and there is the smoke
with grey spirals I like the picture you have here. But what does it mean? Can you explain it more?
And where is my frown
that is broke Is there a different way to say this that you might experiment with?
Well I'm happy
I know that my smile
Is on my face
well I'm happy
and that smile is gonna stay
just in case
So if anything
would happen
That might turn this smile
into a frown
Then I'll have
something to shield myself. I love the last part! Just something: Shield myself from what?
Are there words you can add that might make the story clearer to the reader?
Sorry if this is a bit 'picky'; it's all meant in a friendly way! I really love this poem and actually think it would make a good song!
(April 20, 2010 - 8:30 pm)
There are my shoes
With the yellow paint on the toes
and there is the smoke
with grey spirals I like the picture you have here. But what does
it mean? Can you explain it more? Sort of like happiness is spiraling up and around. It can be any colour, yellow or grey, for example. Maybe I'll use what I just said...
And where is my frown
That is broke Is there a different way to say this that you might
experiment with? Broke rhymes with smoke. But they are far away from each other. Gone, dissapeared, hasn't ben seen in a while...
Well I'm happy
I know that my smile
Is on my face
well I'm happy
and that smile is gonna stay
just in case
So if anything
would happen
That might turn this smile
into a frown
Then I'll have
something to shield myself. I love the last part! Just something:
Shield myself from what? From sadness.
Are there words you can add that might make the story clearer to the
reader? Something to shiel=d myself from sadness.
~~~~
That oddly felt like school...
(April 21, 2010 - 11:38 am)
There are my shoes
With the yellow paint on the toes,
And there is the smoke
With grey spirals.
Happiness is spiraling up and around
Any colour, yellow, or grey.
Where is my frown
That is gone, disappeared,
Hasn't been seen for a while.
Well I'm happy
I know that my smile
Is on my face;
Well I'm happy
And that smile is gonna stay
Just in case
So if anything
Would happen
That might turn this smile
Into a frown;
Then I'll have
Something to shield myself from sadness.
~~~~
OK. I revised it. It's still a little sloppy, but it's more revised poem-ish then it was before. What do you think. From my left hand...
(April 22, 2010 - 8:28 am)
What about taking the last line and dividing it in half? When it's that long it kind of looks out of place. Also what about saying,
happiness is spiraling up in
yellow, grey, any color ??
Just my opinion!
I really like this poem.
(April 22, 2010 - 3:39 pm)
Awesome! I love the rhythm. It's sort of rap-ish... You could cut a couple of "the"s at the beginning and see if it makes it better or worse. Does the last part mean that the smile you had shields you from sadness even if you are frowning? :)
(April 3, 2013 - 7:43 am)
I love it, but the rhythm might need work.
(April 21, 2010 - 3:18 pm)