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Poem :)If yo
Poem :)
If you love me
Love me for my
laugh
smile
twisted sense of humor
Outgoing personality
If you love me
Don't love me for my
Clothes
Money
Friends
Sense of style
So I say
Do away
With
Mirrors
Makeup
Photoshopped models who give you impossible standards
I'll lock away
my makeup
Wear a faded T-shirt
Converse
And a smile
submitted by Koffee, age 14
(April 7, 2010 - 11:46 pm)
(April 7, 2010 - 11:46 pm)
It's awesome! And I totally agree with every line!
(April 8, 2010 - 2:23 pm)
I like it. I really like the super-short lines -- very cool.
(April 8, 2010 - 6:35 pm)
Woot!
(April 8, 2010 - 6:53 pm)
Ready for lav's tear-your-poem-into-little-pieces game? Yeah, me too!
No, no, it's not bad. I just rather like my infamy for critiques. Not sure if that's a good thing.
If you love me
Love me for my
laugh
smile
twisted sense of humor
Outgoing personality these last two lines are really choppy. Part of it is just the syllables - twist-ed, sense-of, hum-or, out-go-ing, per-son-al-it-y. Long words rarely flow smoothly. The humor line could be changed to just "humor" or "twisted humor" - both of those feel rather better to me. "Personality" is such a harsh word. "Self" is short, simple, smooth, and says that same thing. "Outgoing" is a hard word with sharp edges, too. I'm not coming up with any suggestions for it, though.
If you love me
Don't love me for my
Clothes
Money
Friends
Sense of style
So I say
Do away I like the faint rhyme here. Very nice.
With
Mirrors
Makeup
Photoshopped models who give you impossible standards This is a bit prosy feeling. I might remove the "you," because the standards are really handed to everyone - the person you're writing to, you yourself, and the audience. I would put a line break there instead, just because this long line breaks the flow.
I'll lock away I feel like you need some sort of intro to this. Maybe just "so" in its own line first.
my makeup
Wear a faded T-shirt
Converse
And a smile
I like. Good concept, well done. I like the short lines - they work well for you here. Beautiful, Koffee!
Cheers,
lavendershy
(April 9, 2010 - 11:57 am)
How about "open" for "outgoing"? So the line would be, "Open self". How would that be?
(April 9, 2010 - 5:03 pm)
Thanks so much, you guys! About the choppy lines: My idea was to make them a little out of place. I like those suggestions for alternatives, though. I was sort of trying to illustrate how people aren't always perfectly flowing and beautifully intact, but you love them anyway. About that super-long line: Yeah, I really need to work on that, I know :) Thanks for all the help you guys! I love you all, honestly. :D
(April 9, 2010 - 8:24 pm)
I love that poem, Koffee! It's really beautiful and I agree with every line.
(April 10, 2010 - 8:28 am)
That is super! Wow, Koffee, you did amazingly! I don't have any suggestions, except maybe the "model" line should be shorter. It seems somewhat out of place 'cause all the other lines are short. But it really is fabulous!
(April 10, 2010 - 12:09 pm)
Wow, Koffee! I really love your poem, and agree with every line of it! I actually love the "photoshopped models" line, despite what everyone else says, for some reason. :) It's an amazing poem! :)
(April 10, 2010 - 9:04 pm)