Please tell me

Chatterbox: Inkwell

Please tell me

Please tell me what you think of this poem I wrote. Thank you!

 

What is blue thinking of
when it is so bright in the sky
that it hurts to look at too much?
What would the song of the sky sound like
if you could hear it?
I want to know their secrets,
their poetry.
Tell me, blue!
Tell me, sky!
Tell me!

 

Chloë R.  

 
submitted by Chloë R. , age 12, Here
(March 23, 2010 - 8:37 pm)

back to the Inkwell

It's splendid. Miraculous. Especially blue. But not sad blue.

I think you need a ? after "when it is so bright in the sky". And also, it might sound better if it was "on the sky" instead. That makes it sound like the sky is a separate thing, like a piece of cardboard spilled over with bluest blue pain. Also, "the secrets" might sound better than "their secrets", though I get why you say their. If you wanted to make it longer you could toss in a few metaphors ( I adore metaphors. They're so metaphorical.) and blab more about the blue, such as different shades of blue in the sky, blah blah blah, and so on.  Try writing a bunch of different versions and keeping your favorite. Or somehow fitting them together. Like a puzzle! I also adore puzzles. 

That was a good poem! 

submitted by JFB, age 13, Here and There
(March 24, 2010 - 3:16 pm)

Thank you! I don't need a ? there, I don't think. The ? is after "hurts to look at too much." I also think you're right about "on the sky" and "the." I'm going to do a re-write and put it up here.

submitted by Chloë R.
(March 25, 2010 - 4:59 pm)

WOW! YOUR NAME IS CHLOE AND YOU ARE 12 AND YOU WRITE POETRY! WOW!WOW!

By the way, the above are true for me too. 

submitted by Chloe, age 12, CA
(March 28, 2010 - 7:17 pm)

WOW! Hi, evil identical twin!

submitted by Chloë R. , age 12, Here
(March 29, 2010 - 8:48 am)