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This is a story, thing, that I am writing. I just need a little critique-not too harsh, mind you! *coughlavendershycough* I'm sort of writing it off the top of my head. I've had this idea for a while, but never really put it into words. Here goes:
A noise. From where? What? It's been a long time since I heard sound. Since I cared enough to hear.
Maybe today is different. I stretch my powerful muscles, and wait. I've been trapped for so long...but now I am breaking out.
They should have known better than to meddle with a tyger.
That's the prologue, pretty much. First chapter in next post! Send me your critique!
Andy P. C. says yedy. Sounds like yeti. Yeti?! Where?! Andy! Where are you?!
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
submitted by Wolfgirl67, age 12, In front of a c
(March 19, 2010 - 2:57 pm)
(March 19, 2010 - 2:57 pm)
Erm, Admin? Do you think you could change "tiger" to "tyger?" That's what I meant to say.
Andy P. C. says tcaw. Caw? No idea...
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
Wolfgirl67> I'd be happy to make the change, but this comment isn't leading me to any post with "tiger" in it. You'll have to tell me how to find the "tiger." Sorry.
Admin
(March 19, 2010 - 10:07 pm)
OK, first chapter!
I was born to Stormrunner, a beautiful black she-tyger with ice blue wings and eyes and white stripes. I was the last in a litter of three, a dark blue he-tyger with forest green stripes, golden eyes, and forest green wings. Being the only boy among three cubs was a little uncomfortable at times, but my sisters, Winddream and Silversky were sweet and kind.
My name: Fireroar.
I had almost forgotten my name, the scents of the forest, my mother, my sisters. Almost forgotten everything except the cold, metal cage around me. Almost, but not quite.
As soon as I was old enough to speak, I asked my mother what made us tygers. We were special, she told me. We were colorful and winged, agile and clever and brave and strong. She looked troubled while she said it. I wondered why.
Evidently we weren't special enough. Not special enough to escape humans.
OK, that's all for now. Give me your critique! You too, Admins! All three of you!
Andy P. C. says gpwd. Gapward? Um...have you been reading Unicorns of Balinor (UoB), Andy?
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
Sounds good to me. What's going to happen to Fireroar?
Admin
(March 19, 2010 - 10:21 pm)
@Admin: Thanks! Some very...interesting things are going to happen to Fireroar. Oh yeah, as to the word "tiger", it's in the first comment I created on here. In the line: They should have known better then to meddle with a tiger.
Andy P. C. says pkyf.
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
(March 20, 2010 - 11:56 am)
I remember the day it all happened.
Silversky, Winddream and I were all playing in a sheltered glade in the woods, while Mother looked on. I had just managed to pin Winddream to the ground triumphantly. Silversky was about to leap on me. I braced myself for the impact-the girls were fond of ganging up on me when we played--but it never came. I waited for a while, then looked up. Mother was holding Silversky in her teeth by the scruff of her silver neck, looking around nervously. She set my sister down for a second, just long enough to say, "Come, children," before picking her up again and dashing off. I got off of Winddream and we followed her, puzzled.
If only we had known what was coming, we would have run faster.
Mother led us right back to our den in the ground and ducked inside of it with Silversky. Something was very wrong. Winddream scampered in after her and called, "Come on, Fireroar!" She was terrified. So was I. Which was why I couldn't move. When I was frightened, I was paralyzed. And then I usually ended up running the wrong way. I remembered the eagle. Mother had tried to get us to run, but I couldn't. Then I turned and ran straight towards the eagle. Mother had had to fight it off. That was when I found out we could fly.
If only I could have flown then.
I stood at the mouth of the den, paralyzed while my mother and sisters called to me. "Fireroar! Fireroar!" Over and over. And then I turned and ran. Straight into a pair of legs.
The worst mistake I ever made.
I sat up, blinking, and felt a hand pick me up. I yelped and tried to bite it, but it was encased in a leather glove and I didn't do anything to it with my soft baby teeth. Mother heard. She came running out of the den, charging straight at the human who held me. I never knew what happened, exactly, only that all of a sudden I was being thrown across the forest. I sat up again and looked. Mother was being wrestled to the ground by two humans. I moved to get to her, but I was picked up by a third and put into a cage. Then the human crawled into the den. Mother saw him doing it and tried to charge after him, but by this time they had managed to tie her to a tree. The man came out with my sisters and put them in cages. Then they untied my mother and grabbed us.
I was so frightened I fainted, so I never knew how I got here. Only that I was here to stay. As a pet.
Apparently tygers made heads turn whenever they entered a room, so people-the rich ones-started hiring tyger-catchers to kidnap the cubs and bring them over, as an addition to the menagerie. My sisters were gone. There had been three orders for cubs, so I was given to one nobleman, and they to two others.
At first I tried to put up a fight whenever they brought me into a room, but it was useless. After a while I just put my head down and came in whenever they wished. They decided this got boring, and eventually just let me stay in my cage.
And now here I lie, listening for the first time since I was a cub, listening to the sound of...something. It's dark in here, and I'm not used to hearing things. I'm not deaf, or blind, I just don't want to see or here or move or think. It hurts too much.
But maybe, if I got out, it wouldn't hurt anymore. Maybe, if I escaped, I could find my sisters and rescue them too.
Yes, meddling with a tyger was not a wise thing to do.
OK, end of chapter 1! Let me know what you think!
Andy P. C. says wgwk.
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
(March 20, 2010 - 1:19 pm)
i like it!!!!
(March 20, 2010 - 5:19 pm)
When you put, "She said we were special." thing, it should be "are special." Present tense since she, and her cubs are still in existence. Oh, and a list, rhyme, vocab pretense, and etc. should be in that order. Not list and rhyme and vocab pretense. (Well actually, that rule only counts for lists, not the others, I couldn't think of any other words) And in your prologue, I'm just going to skimwrite it. "cared enough to hear. Maybe today is different. I stretch out my legs and wait. I've been trapped for so long... But now I am breaking out They should have known better than to mess with a tyger." The "I stretch out my legs" part seems misplaced because it seems you, the tyger, it is in first person after all, is thinking, then that I stretch out my legs part, seems like you're telling a story, then you go back to thinking by saying I've been trapped for so long..." All I'm saying is that you need to be a bit more clearer, or use "quotation marks". Otherwise, FANTASTICAL STORY! Laterz!
~Alexa and Olive~
~CEOs of OOC~ (OOCo. otherwise known as OOC is made-up, but nonetheless, a patented name and company) :-P
(March 20, 2010 - 7:01 pm)
Very good, Wolfgirl67! I love it. I can't wait to see what happens to Fireroar. Good luck!
~*Nicole*~
(March 20, 2010 - 11:07 pm)
@Everyone: Thanks! Yeah, I suppose "we were special" should have been "we are special." Hm.
Anyway, here's more story:
I turned my head towards the sound. As my eyes adjusted to the gloom, I saw a human. Instinctively I pulled back, but then I realized...it was just a girl. And a crying one.
"What's wrong?" I asked her, forgetting too late that she wouldn't understand.
Which was why I was surprised-and a little offended-when she looked up and said, "What's it to you? Go away!"
I snorted. "Well, forgive me for being compassionate," I snarled. "That'll teach me. And as to the 'go away' part, I'd love to. Only one problem. I'm stuck in a cage. I'm as trapped here as you are."
"What do you mean?" she asked, defensively. "I'm not trapped!"
"You're a servant, aren't you? That's why you're crying. The rich children-they scream a lot, but they never cry. And that's why you snuck down here. They'd never do that. They'd just march right in and come rattle the bars like they always do."
"Alright, fine, I'm a servant and I snuck down here. Now leave me alone!" She buried her face in her arms again and started sobbing.
I snorted again. Humans. Honestly. So sensitive. We tygers were much more noble then that. We didn't sob. We kept our dignity. Bah.
Yet there was something about that girl...
OK, done for now! Keep saying whatcha think!
Andy P. C. says vbbx.
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
(March 22, 2010 - 11:53 am)
"So," I said, trying to keep things on a civil ground, "what's your name?"
"Maranda," she answered. "Yours?"
"Fireroar. Are you an Animalspeak?"
"Yes." It was a terse, clipped reply, and I knew why. Animalspeaks, as every animal knew, never liked revealing their secret, and liked it even less when people knew it already.
"How's the weather been?" I asked, changing the subject.
"Well enough." We subsided into silence.
Andy P. C. says tpfz. Top fizz. Soda again? Sigh...
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
(March 25, 2010 - 6:39 pm)
If you wanted critique, here it is: I love your voice, but try to pay less attention to your writing when you're writing. It ruins the voice. Also, in the sentence "I was born to Stormrunner, a beautiful black she-tyger with ice blue wings AND eyes AND white stripes." To much and. How about: "I was born to Stormrunner, a beautiful black she-tyger with white stripes. Her eyes had been the same color as her wings: ice blue."
(March 26, 2010 - 7:40 am)
@Ann: Thanks! I'm trying to work on just writing and letting it flow out however it likes, but sometimes I forget. Yeah, I do use the word "and" too much. Anyway, here's more story:
After a while I found myself getting bored. Maranda seemed to be feeling the same way; she was fidgeting in the corner.
"Why don't you just go back?" I asked.
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"You see this?" She demanded, showing me a bruise on her cheek. I nodded. "I'll get about ten more of those if I go back now."
"What did you do to deserve that?"
"I dropped a glass. A small thing, really, and most wouldn't punish a servant for it, but His Lordship-" she dragged out the word and coated it in scorn-"overreacted because several of his high-class friends were there and saw." She sniffled angrily. "So he hit me and ordered me out and I was only too glad to leave. If I come back, though, I know exactly what he'll say. 'Where have you been? There's work to be done and I have several very important guests to impress!'" She snorted. "And if he finds out I've been down here, he'll kill me. So I'm not going back up any time soon."
"Oh." I suddenly felt full of sympathy for this girl. She was trapped here, forced to do things against her will.
Just like me...
"How do you know so much about servants and Animalspeaks and things like that if all you ever do is hang around down here and be miserable?"
"I just...heard them, I guess, but I didn't pay any attention to them. I just remembered."
"I see. Well, I've got to be going."
"I thought you weren't going back up?"
"I'm not. At least, I'm not going to him for the next couple of days, until his temper boils over. I'll just be hanging around quietly keeping the place clean, and then I'll go see him when he's in a good mood and has had plenty of wine."
"Good luck."
"Thank you, Fireroar." She left the room like a shadow and I was left alone.
All of a sudden I feel alive. Strong. Powerful. I am a tyger, and they will soon hear me roar again.
Andy P. C. says idcx. I don't care, X. X is telling him something that he doesn't care about.
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
(March 26, 2010 - 3:56 pm)
Hey, Wolfgirl, um, you should keep posting.
TOPTOPTOPTOPTOPTOP! SEND IT TO THE TOP, ADMINS!
Vick says gkpk. now, lets see...gkpk=gphk=griphk=griphook! Vick, have you been reading HP and the DH?
~~NDT~~
(March 31, 2010 - 8:17 pm)
@NDT: OK, thanks little bro! :)
I lay there waiting for a while, listening intently to the sound of the humans talking in the drawing-room above me.
"I thought you had a tyger, dear friend." A man's voice. I had heard him before. The Duke of-Hitron, I think it was. "Or was that just boasting?"
"I have a tyger." (Oh darn, I forgot my villian's name. Um...I'll just call him Lord Voldemort until I remember what his name was. Sorry JKR, but it's a matter of necessity and he does act kind of Voldemort-ish...) Lord Voldemort's voice, carefully guarded. Obviously, he didn't want to say that "his" tyger was in no condition to be seen. Head down, plodding along sedately--not very impressive.
"Well then, why don't we see him?"
There was a pause. I could just picture Voldemort thinking. He didn't want to lose face in front of such an important person. He sighed. "Very well, bring him in. And I warn you, Lagairian-" the Duke's last name, I guessed-"-he isn't the most impressive tyger."
Pretty soon someone came down with a leather collar and chain leash. He attempted to open the cage door, but I growled at him.
His face was the funniest thing I had ever seen. His eyes grew until they were about three times the size they were. He blanched-he looked like milk. His mouth hung open in horror. And then he sprinted away from me and out of the menagerie, taking the stairs three at a time.
"Sir!" He came running into the drawing room.
"What's the meaning of this?" Lord Voldemort wasn't pleased, I could hear. "Where's the tyger? Why didn't you bring him?"
"I couldn't."
"Why not?"
The servant boy paused. "He growled at me."
"Growled? Growled?! That tyger doesn't growl!"
"He did now."
"Go down there and get him, and no more of this nonsense."
He did come back down. Terrified and trembling, but he came.
"N-Now, come on," he said, trying to sound confident, but not managing it very well. "D-Don't be ridi-ridiculous. C-C-C-C-Come out of th-there."
This time I let him open the cage door with shaking hands and actually put the leather collar on before I growled again.
This time he yelped, slammed the door shut, and ran up the stairs a little ways. I was silent again, so he came back and put on the chain leash. And then I roared.
I let loose with a powerful roar that shook the whole manor, so that there was no way for Lord Voldemort to ignore it.
There was no way for the servant boy to ignore it either. He screamed and tore up the stairs as fast as his legs could carry him.
Not bad. Not bad at all.
Andy P. C. says chrw.
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
(April 3, 2010 - 3:25 pm)
Oh, I just realized that I never actually named His Lordship. *drags out the word and coats it in scorn* So I guess I'll just call him Lord...Lord...Grenchang! No. Hm...suggestions, anybuggy?
Andy P. C. says tayi. It sounds too beautiful to be the name of an evil lord, but thanks anyway, Andy. I think I'll use it sometime.
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
(April 3, 2010 - 3:31 pm)
What about Yochang? no. Nayk. no. Urdran? mabey...
Vick says wakx. Wax? He needs to learn to spell...
~~NDT~~
(April 4, 2010 - 4:10 pm)