A Poem! Yes,

Chatterbox: Inkwell

A Poem! Yes,

A Poem! Yes, so lil' old me (who is pretty obsessed with poetry) has decided to make yet another poetry thread! Please comment.

Remember this.

Remember.

The little whispers say.

My question is,

how can I

Remember

The rhythm of the road?

The moon hangs in the sky

One nick away from being full

One star

from being

the only thing

in the darkness

Well, thats it!

submitted by Ann
(March 9, 2010 - 6:51 pm)

back to the Inkwell

Pretty good! I liked it! Have you checked out Woodlands: Revised Edition?

Andy P. C. says ftop. For top? Send it to the top, Andy!

~Wolfgirl67 signing off.

submitted by Wolfgirl67, age 12, In the new hous
(March 10, 2010 - 1:37 pm)

TOP!

Andy P. C. says hzfo.

~Wolfgirl67 signing off.

submitted by Wolfgirl67, age 12, In the new hous
(March 10, 2010 - 1:38 pm)

Top! Not to be self-centered...

((Spamboy says ooky))

submitted by Ann
(March 10, 2010 - 5:37 pm)

Hi Ann,

Wonderful spaces and overall getting the feeling across in your poem!  The thing I would change, maybe, is adding a little bit more in the beginning or the end of the poem to explain things to your readers.  But it is great that you made a picture come almost immediately to my mind when I read it!  I love that in poems.

submitted by Amy G., age 13, Pennsylvania
(March 10, 2010 - 8:27 pm)

I really liked it! Vivid. I've always liked poems set at night...

submitted by Katie
(March 12, 2010 - 6:05 pm)

I love your poem. It's really great. I can hear a voice reading it... sort of a quiet, deep voice. It might have a better rhythm if you consolidated some lines, maybe "how can I" and "Remember" and possibly "the only thing" and "in the darkness". I love the words "one nick away from being full". They give me such a beautiful picture. You might try experimenting with synonyms, like "a" instead of "one" and "tell" instead of "say"... you can end up with a pretty amazing and unexpected difference sometimes when you just change a detail. I like how the words "the only thing in the darkness" make me wonder, The only thing in the darkness of the sky, or the only thing in the darkness of the world? Does the speaker feel alone, lost? Does she feel hopeful looking at the sky, or does it only intensify her loneliness? I love the poem.

submitted by Olivecube
(April 3, 2013 - 8:04 am)