A poem 

Chatterbox: Inkwell

A poem 

A poem

 

For some reason, I like to write poems.  I will now post a poem that I said I would post on one of Lavendershy's/Emily H.'s story threads.  So now, I shall type it down:

As I'm on the

Edge of Dreams

My song ends.

As the last note is played,

I release my last breath.

My heart wil never

beat agian

My mind forever blank.

My breath will still,

I'll feel no pain. 

~~~~

I don't really like the end of it.  It doesn't seem likean end to me.  It is very rough, but I don't have the right feeling for it right now to polish it.  So, critique, please.

 

Goodbye,

~Meadow de Weirdo

submitted by Meadow, age !!, The land of odd
(December 10, 2009 - 10:51 am)

back to the Inkwell

Umm...  I didn't really like that it was well,  not smooth I'm not sure what you could do to fix it.  I'm not really very good at poetry.  I can write it but it's not that good.

submitted by Charlotte, age 11, Colorado
(December 10, 2009 - 11:41 am)

I read your zebra poem...  I think you are really good at wrting poems!  :D  About my poem: yes, I think that it could flow better.  But like I said, I don't have the right feeling to polish it up right now. 

Goodbye,

~Meadow de Weirdo

submitted by Meadow
(December 10, 2009 - 3:23 pm)

Thanks!

Cheers

Charlotte, aka Cannibal

submitted by Charlotte, age 11, Colorado
(December 11, 2009 - 1:22 pm)

I liked how you related to a song. That was great! Although I agree with both you and Charlotte, that it was abrupt and unsmooth,  I am also unsure about the ending. Is she waking up? Is she dying? But I must remind myself to keep an open mind. A bit morbid I admit, but hey- I like morbid.

KEEP IT UP!!!!

submitted by Katie, age 12, outside looking
(December 10, 2009 - 4:11 pm)

What song is it related to?  S/he is supposed to be dying.  You can feel pain when you're sleeping.  LIke when I hit my head on the dresser when I was rolling over in sleep.  OW.  

submitted by Meadow
(December 11, 2009 - 10:14 am)

I love that beginning, Meadow. Wonderful feel. The middle feels like it might almost be prose, but it works. I think one way to help that section would be to lengthen the line "My mind forever blank" and combine the former two lines into one - it might help.

As for the ending, I think just two more lines would make it. About memory, I think. There's a quote I can't find - hence I don't know to whom to attribute it - "and in my heart a name / my lips shall speak no more." I like that feel - you could say something about the dearest memory of the narrator, or the memories others will hold of him.

 

Cheers,

lavendershy

submitted by lavendershy :) / EH, age 14, Sparks, NV
(December 10, 2009 - 5:25 pm)

Thanks, Emily!  I think that I'm going to take out one of the "As"es and replace it with a other word.  They seem to close together.  but I can't think of another word.  So I will let my thesaurus do that for me.  And I will add more lines... Someday, when I feel the same the day I wrote that poem.  Some lines do seem sort of short.  

 

Goodbye,

~Meadow de Weirdo 

submitted by Meadow
(December 11, 2009 - 10:10 am)

I love the words themsleves. However, I agree that the rhythm needs work. I'm not sure exactly what to do that hasn't bee suggested, but I think you should combine the 1st 2 lines.

submitted by Ima
(December 20, 2009 - 11:42 pm)