I wrote this
Chatterbox: Inkwell
I wrote this
I wrote this poem just today, and I'd like you guys to critique it. I'm open for anything. Thoughts, tips, and it's currently titleless, too, so I was hoping you could give me some ideas about that. ;) Anyway, it's dedicated to one of my friends back in public school that I hadn't seen in a long time, and just about a month ago saw at a football game for the first time in over two years. At the football game, this friend came up and said hi to me, and looked totally shocked to see me, too. Ever since, I've just been thinking about everything (probably thinking too much) and have been wondering if we will still be friends when I come back to public school next year (because I've decided that I do want to go back. See my old thread in DtE if you don't know what I mean). Anyway, it's just really been bothering me lately, so I decided to write it out... :
I miss the days we used to laugh
And the jokes we used to make
I miss the smiles we used to share
Memories time cannot take
But life has turned us in different paths
I hadn't seen you for so long
And I hope the day that I come back
Our friendship will be just as strong
Looking at you, you've changed so much
Like you've been playing in a rougher crowd
But talking to you, you seem the same
Never hurtful, rude, or proud
I hope you haven't forgotten about me
In the time I've been away
And I hope that we will meet again soon
In some later day
Until then, I hope you'll remember me
And maybe in the end
After all this time of worry and wait
That I will still be your friend
So, thoughts? Tips? Title? (Oh, and sorry about my rambling at the beginning...) :)
(November 20, 2009 - 8:13 pm)
Hey, that's not bad! You came up with a pretty nice poem, as a whole.
I'm going to go through this stanza by stanza. Comments are in bold.
I miss the days we used to laugh Good line
And the jokes we used to make I would take out the and.
I miss the smiles we used to share Pretty good line
Memories time cannot take I'm not fond of this line. It's a good line in and of itself, but it doesn't really gel with the rest of the stanza. Maybe ache would make a better rhyme - you're talking about missing her, after all. My rhyming dictionary also suggests clambake.
But life has turned us in different paths I would reword this. Maybe just "but we have turned in different paths."
I hadn't seen you for so long I don't like this line, but I don't know how to change it. "So long" is a weak phrase, except when it means "bye."As in "so long, and thanks for all the fish."
And I hope the day that I come back Pretty good line
Our friendship will be just as strong All right, I guess. "Just as" seems weak to me. Perhaps tweak this to mean something about rebuilding a strong friendship.
Looking at you, you've changed so much
Like you've been playing in a rougher crowd Good line
But talking to you, you seem the same
Never hurtful, rude, or proud Feels awkward and forced, and no one is just the same after years. I'm not sure I believe you here. :P I have found that after a long time, there seems to be a barrier between me and the other person. You could use the rhyme "shroud," describing the difficulty of talking to them that time has placed between you if that's the case.
I hope you haven't forgotten about me I would remove about. It's unnecessary and doesn't flow well
In the time I've been away Pretty good line
And I hope that we will meet again soon
In some later day Soon and then later.... I don't like that. Rephrase that last line, maybe.
Until then, I hope you'll remember me You used hope just two lines ago. Maybe make this line imperative instead of declarative. "Remember me - or else." :D
And maybe in the end Decent line
After all this time of worry and wait
That I will still be your friend I would remove that. Good line, otherwise.
Cheers!
-EH
(November 21, 2009 - 11:21 am)
Thanks, Emily! :) Good tips, too. I'll definitely work on that. ;D (And front, thread!)
(November 21, 2009 - 6:13 pm)
What about "life has given us different paths?
I love your description and your ability to describe situations like that. You wrapped up the end very nicely.
(November 23, 2009 - 6:10 pm)
Thanks! :) And good suggestion.
(November 24, 2009 - 9:07 am)
Come on. No one else?
(November 23, 2009 - 9:09 am)
I really liked it! Great job!! :)
(November 23, 2009 - 11:33 am)
It was a very good poem. I wish I had a friend like that...
(November 23, 2009 - 1:53 pm)
I think that poem is great and about real things real people can relate to. Keep writing, your poems are great!
(November 25, 2009 - 8:44 pm)
Thank you, Kyra! :)
(November 26, 2009 - 12:38 pm)
It's a great poem! Just a couple things, sorry if Emily H already critiqued you on these. The line: "In some later day," is a bit awkward. I'm not sure how to change it, but these words seem to clash. (If you get my drift...) In the line before that, "And I hope we will meet again soon," the soon add's an extra syllable that throws off the rhythm a bit. If you take out the 'soon', I think it would sound better.
Great job rhyming!! I've never been able to rhyme succesfully, so I admire people who can. So great job with this. Hope you and your friend will be close again!
~Leaf
(November 26, 2009 - 2:03 pm)
Thank you, Leaf! :) You bring up some good points.
I'll definitely work on those. :D
(November 26, 2009 - 11:00 pm)