"Feedback on Writing

Chatterbox: Inkwell

"Feedback on Writing

"Feedback on Writing" thread

Here is a thread for posting writing that you specifically want feedback on - other people can say what they think of it, any suggestions, etc. Enjoy!

submitted by Amethyst, age many years, Arendelle
(November 5, 2022 - 2:37 pm)

back to the Inkwell

Alright, commenting as I read...

I love the first two sentences, they set the scene well!

It's unclear to me which person's "unflinching eyes betrayed her coldness."  The same sort of thing going into the next paragraph.

Okay, I see.   You might still want to make sure the reader can tell whether Eula or Bitty is being described, but maybe that's just me.

The dynamic and relationship between Eula and Bitty comes across clearly without it having to be stated, good job!  That's something I personally have a hard time with so it's great to see it done well.

Suspenseful, I like it!

Overall I agree with you that this is more polished and flows better (if that makes sense), than the original. 

 

 

 

 

submitted by Sterling, age 16 winters, lost in a fantasy world
(November 24, 2022 - 10:43 am)

Hi! This is super good! There is an undercurrent of suspense and urgency throughout the whole thing that kept me reading, and the kaboom was super dramatic, lol. I like the name Eula.

I have one correction I would make in the last sentence: change the lie alone to lay alone to be consistent with the tenses. Looking good!

submitted by Flamarestii, chocolate icing
(November 26, 2022 - 3:33 pm)

Thank you both so much!!! :)

submitted by TOPbells
(February 17, 2023 - 9:54 pm)
Legends say that no one innocent has ever entered the Adelwood.  I doubt it, but it’s true that nothing pure ever lives long here.  The trees wear thick armor and reach their knotted branches toward the sky as if to capture the sun.  Tangled briars twine along overgrown trails, adorned with colorful berries like drops of blood.  The only thing brighter than them is the red hood drawn over my face.
My breath forms little clouds in the brittle air.  Last night’s snow muffles my footsteps as I amble through the forest, down a path I’ve long since memorized.  The only thing preventing placid silence is the keening of a wolf, deep and melancholy.  It is answered by others, until the unseen beasts form a heathen choir.  I’m almost tempted to join them in their song.  As night begins to fall a silvery fog falls with it, a light cloak over roots and brittle leaves.
My wandering eyes fall on a small, furry red-brown shape under a nearby bush.  A rabbit lies in the undergrowth, its side caked with dry blood and its eyes vacant.  A token of some hunt, no doubt, but strangely left behind.  Leaving it would simply be a waste.  I unsheathe the carving knife kept at my belt and begin to skin the creature.  I make a messy job of it, my hands now covered in blood, but I get it done.  I can sell the pelt, and the bones may prove useful for other things.
The task takes longer than I expect and when I am finally done the moon is high in the sky.  Deciding it too late to continue on, I turn and head back the way I came.  I don’t fear the woods, but nothing good comes from traveling late into the night.  Howls continue to echo around me but now they take on human voices.  Sacrilege, they cry, sinner, murderer. “Ancha,” I mutter sharply, bidding them to leave me alone.  They have no real power, and yet they taunt me.  I could poison their elders and doom their kits, and yet they taunt me.  Stupid mangy beasts.
The lights of home glimmer in the distance and my jaw unclenches.  A cottage comes into view, with broken shutters and moss growing on the roof.  Hanging from the rafters is a single lantern lit by a flickering white flame.  The shingled rooftops and illuminated windows of Adelgate are barely visible through the labyrinth of trees, just close enough for comfort.  I rinse my hands and the rabbit bones in a bucket of cold rainwater and hang the hide to clean later before opening the house’s door with a creak.
I’m greeted by long shadows that stretch across the dirt floor.  Moonlight seeps through the windows, casting the room in a slight glow.  I shrug off the red cloak from around my shoulders, pluck a stick of charcoal from a bundle of the burned branches, and toss it into the fireplace that is empty except for ashes.  I murmur a few words, coaxing the stick to burn, and the hearth flares with orange fire.
---
This is the first bit of a book I'm writing, let me know what you think! 
submitted by Sterling, age 16 winters, lost in a fantasy world
(November 24, 2022 - 10:33 am)

i like the imagery in this; it really paints a picture. i don't really have any suggestions, as it's quite good as it is. I'd love to read more of this story :)

submitted by Artemis
(November 24, 2022 - 11:39 am)

This is great book-writing stuff: exciting, slightly dark, plenty of suspense. I foresee a future in this book! 

submitted by Flamarestii
(November 29, 2022 - 10:23 am)

Wow, your writing is incredible. For real. If I could write like that...I mean, seriously, you should think about a career in writing. The imagery is so beautiful, and I love the twist on Little Red Riding Hood. The details are also really good-to be honest, I have nothing to say that's pessimistic. I need more of this book!! If this was published, I would DEFINITELY read it. 

submitted by MorticiaTheStargazer, age 13 moons, @Sterling
(November 30, 2022 - 8:47 am)

There was nothing interesting about herding sheep. Slow, easily spooked, and foolish to a fault; it became tiring watching over the meek little walking cloud-puffs. Aulden itched for something more. Anything less bland than this waste of time.

But then again, that was before finding it. Lying inconspicuously a field, only the hilt peaking up through the drapes of overgrown pastures, although easily miss-able, Aulden was not the sort to miss such an opportunity. Not grass, sheep or slow = interesting, right? And indeed interesting it was, when fae reached out and tugged the thing, trying to pull it out of the ground. A faint tingling rose within faer stomach, head pounding as fingers grazed the tough leathered hilt. Fae fought the sensation and strained. It was stuck. They pulled at it again, harder. It didn't budge. But that in of itself was intriguing. Aulden was know for being one of the strongest around, and just what was that feeling in the first place?

~~~~~

I'm going to write more of this tomorrow; promise. Just really tired right now and wanted to get something out before I lose sight of all my current sparks of inspiration. 

submitted by Jaybells, Lost in the Forest
(November 27, 2022 - 2:34 am)

Oooh please post more! I can clearly feel the "sparks of inspiration" coming through in this! :D

May I offer one (small) correction? After sheep in the second paragraph, remember an Oxford comma. Thanks!

submitted by Flamarestii, 5 stars
(November 29, 2022 - 10:14 am)

That's mostly an American thing though, isn't it? :P

Also I'm gonna cry. TAT I gotta stop promising myself into due dates; something comes up literally every time and I canttttttt

submitted by Jaybells, Lost, across the World
(November 30, 2022 - 1:57 pm)

Oops I've been americanized! Being Canadian-American but learning some grammar in the USA gets confusing :D Just leave it then.

It's okay, life gets busy and stuff. *supporting you*

submitted by Flamarestii
(November 30, 2022 - 6:19 pm)

Lol you're good. Funny how those kinds of things differ from place-to-place. Kinda seems like at least punctuation should be more or less

And thank you frendyyyy. I'll get back ASAP, might have a pocket of free time after preparing a presentation tonight/tomorrow morning, so we'll see!

submitted by Jaybells, Lost, somewhere
(November 30, 2022 - 9:20 pm)

I like the idea of the mysterious sword! It's kind of like something out of a King Arthur story. And the name "Aulden" is really pretty. :)

submitted by Poinsettia
(December 2, 2022 - 7:57 pm)

Morticia, we don't allow profanity (yes, even the starred-out kind) on the CB. Could you rewrite it a bit to remove the language? --admin

submitted by MorticiaTheStargazer, age 13 moons, Earth of the Frogs
(November 28, 2022 - 12:39 pm)

Oh I'm sorry. Wasn't aware that wasn't allowed. Sure, I'll rewrite it. Just give me until tomorrow morning. 

submitted by MorticiaTheStargazer, age 13 moons, Earth of the Frogs
(November 28, 2022 - 7:15 pm)
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