A poem that

Chatterbox: Inkwell

A poem that

A poem that I just wrote.  My mom thinks it's disturbing, but I'm just writing down what I *think* is going to happen in the far away future.

In Years

The sun is gone

It's light's have faded

There will be no dawn to see

The sky will always be black and shaded

The birds will never sing

All there is a moon and stars

And velvety blackness

No fire no light

The sun has been destroyed

All that's left is night

~

Sorry about any typos, LUna is whining about how everyone won't let her go on webkinz.  So, tell me what you think of it.  Truth.  If you hate it, just tell me, flat out.  I'm very bad at making rhymes sound good.

submitted by Meadow , age 11, Chair
(October 24, 2009 - 8:09 am)

back to the Inkwell

Hey, that's pretty good. I won't do one of my lengthy critiques cause I'm in a hurry. :D The fourth line feels too long. It's a touch choppy, too, but pretty good. Nice!

 

-EH

submitted by Emily H. :), age 14, Sparks, NV
(October 24, 2009 - 6:30 pm)

Most of my poems are choppy.  The fifth line was just me trying to find a line to put in.  I don't think that I should keep it in.  And then I came up with other lines.  That was just a very rough poem.  I just wrote it on paper, then typed it down.  I only looked over it once, really fast.  I didn't realy notice that the fourth line was long...  probably because on paper, the letters were smaller, so the same length.  So, this will hopefully send this thread to the top.  Couldn't find a story thread that I've made before...  And, TO THE TOP THREAD!  Did anyone notice that all of those letters started with a T?   

submitted by Meadow
(October 25, 2009 - 7:47 am)

Hmm. I'm thinking. Pretty good, but I think the lines are kinda off. Something about the tempo... I liked it. Keep it up.

submitted by Katie, age 11, Outside looking
(October 25, 2009 - 2:57 pm)

Sounds like something H. G. Wells'd write if he'd done poetry.

submitted by Mary W., age 11.85, NJ
(October 26, 2009 - 9:36 am)

I wrote a other one that has lines that make more sense.  I said taht there was no light, but there was stars.  LInes that don't make sense may be the concequenses of writing poems after you woke up.  

@ Mary Liz: Who is H.G.?  After you or someone else tells me, I'll smack myself on the forhead saying "duh..."

submitted by Meadow
(October 29, 2009 - 1:15 pm)