Places to Chat
Ok, this is
Chatterbox: Inkwell
Ok, this is
Ok, this is just another random freeverse I made up :P Hasn't been edited or even read over after I finished it. Critique away (especially Emily, lol, you'll have a hayday with this :D):
Title: Undecided
Poem as follows:
The girl is crying softly.
Her heart aches and her eyes bleed tears.
The phone rings suddenly.
The sound is harsh in the near silence.
It drowns out the whisper of tears.
She answers it sweetly, so that the person on the other end will not feel her pain.
She listens.
A harsh laugh rips out of her throat.
The tears come again.
Jagged, hard whispers that are sharpened on hate slur together as they pour out of her mouth.
They tell of unrequited love and broken promises.
She hangs up, curling into herself, into her tears and sorrow.
She longs for the boy.
The boy with the laugh.
The boy with the kiss.
The boy who held hope in his eyes.
But she's just a girl.
A girl with a broken heart.
A girl with some tears.
A girl who holds hate in her heart.
submitted by Koffee
(October 18, 2009 - 3:55 pm)
(October 18, 2009 - 3:55 pm)
Lol. I guess I'm becoming infamous with my long critiques. :P Sorry, but not sorry. As in sorry if you don't like it, but they're not going away. :D So here goes....
1. It feels choppy - too many single sentences, too many declarative sentences with your typical subject-verb-direct object/predicate noun/prepositional phrase. Vary the sentence structure a little, maybe ask a few questions. I don't think an interogative tone would hurt at all, and it could revolutionize the poem.
2. I'm not fond of just the feel of it. Here's an example. You have "Jagged, hard whispers that are sharpened on hate slur together as they pour out of her mouth." That would be a fine prose sentence, but as poetry I would take out the "that are" and the "as they pour," replacing that one with just "pouring." A simile could be placed at the end of this line with great effect.
3. "Her eyes bleed tears" - good line
4. Harkening back to #1, early in the poem you say "The phone rings suddenly. The sound is harsh in the near silence. It drowns out the whisper of tears." I think these lines could be phrased better - maybe something like "The phone rings suddenly, harsh in the near silence, drowning out the whisper of tears." By the way, "whisper of tears" feels nice. Good phrase.
5. You've probably noticed that a lot of my suggestions are just rephrasings, as is this. "She answers it sweetly, so that the person on the other end will not feel her pain." "So that" is awkward (Awkward is such a lovely word! Where else do you find wkw?) and a lot of the rest of the line, like just the "will not" feels too formal.
6. That's what I was looking for earlier - the whole poem feels formal. I think this is true of a lot of your poetry - you need to loosen up a little.
7. The place where I think the single lines and choppiness really works well is in the "The boy with the laugh. / The boy with the kiss. / The boy who held hope in his eyes."
8. I'm not fond of the line "But she's just a girl." In a relationship like the one described here, it's not "just a girl" - it's half the relationship. I guess I feel like the girl is more signifcant than that.
9. "Some tears" - not good. Tears, yes. "A girl with tears" would be better.
10. The poem ends ominously, in a way I'm not sure I like, but that's just me. It is a good ending to the poem, don't get me wrong. In fact, now that I've voiced my doubts, I do like it, I think.
So there we go, an even ten. I think that poem has a lot of potential - just polish it a little. And of course these are all suggestions, not demands. It's your poem and if you don't like the feel any of these give it, forget about them. It's the poet's right to do that, to name it whatever, to use whatever word choice. Oh, the title.... For some reason, the title that comes to mind - and that sticks in my head - is "Forgotten." Somehow it gels with the poem in my mind.
-EH
(October 18, 2009 - 11:39 pm)
Ooch. That was too long - sorry. Anywho, it took me a long time to find this thread, so I hope it'll behave now.
-EH
(October 19, 2009 - 1:52 pm)
I liked it. I agree that it is a little choppy, but I actually think the line, But she's just a girl, might have a double meaning. Maybe she thinks down on herself, thinks there is nothing good about her, thinks she is boring and unable to hold someone's interest for very long, not worthy of the boy who holds hope in his eyes... sorry Emily, but I had to tell you that. But anyway, you never really say who is on the phone. was it the boy? But if her heart is already broken, why would he call again? To rebreak it by telling her she is weird, or stupid, or boring? I don't know. But all in all, I give it two thumbs up.
It kind of reminds me of a poem I read. A broken heart will always remember yesterday,
Anyway, good job.
(October 19, 2009 - 3:39 pm)
I see your point, but I still don't like the feeling of triteness that line has. And I don't think it really matters who it is on the phone - that's not the point, and it's irrelevant. Poetry can be really good at ambiguity :D
-EH
(October 19, 2009 - 10:43 pm)
I actually like the slight choppieness of the lines, it adds (in my opinion) to the feel of the poem. Kinda makes me think of how when you cry you brath comes in gasps and the noise is all choppy. Besides, free verse doesn't have to have a meter scheem at all; it just uses lots of alliteration and assonance.
loved The Idea, Great Start
(March 2, 2011 - 1:48 pm)
Hey, Katie! Same time and all that, Katie!
-EH
(October 19, 2009 - 3:41 pm)
For some reason my posts like that always end up funny. My name was "Hey, Katie! -EH" and the message was "Same time and all that, Katie!" Weird.
-EH
(October 20, 2009 - 8:46 pm)
If you need a title, then "Alone" might be a good idea. Or maybe "Hate in her Heart"
(October 19, 2009 - 4:15 pm)