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SO I need some feedback on my book so... here it is. It's translatedd from Japanese so sorry for any spelling errors.
CHAPTER ONE: MY DEATH
I would hesitate to say that my life, or death, is anything but noraml... but my life from a few days ago doesn't seem very real.
***
So I was there, walking on the cold concrete. My new black lace-up boots clicking on the ice. I was feeling, and looking awesome. I was wearing my brand new periwinkle sweater tucked into the comfiest high waisted light grey jeans ever. My purple hair was perfectly braided in a French braid and the feather patterned gold headband was a perfect touch to the whole look. I walked into the café and sat at the counter, Tori was there, working. I think as I dreamily stared at her.
"Hey Cora do you want anything to eat or drink?" She pauses and waves "Uh... Cora? You zoned out or-- Cora?"
"Oh-- uh-- what?" I say, blushing.
"Sorry, I just zoned out for a minute. Um... hm... I'll have a chai tea..." I say, trying to hide my face.
"Alright, I'll make that before I leave." Tori says.
"Thanks...!"
***
She finishes making my Chai and sits in the seat next to me.
"Hiii Tori!" She laughs.
"You are such a dork Cora." She smiles and we look at each other for a little bit.
"This is awkward isn't it? I'm bad at conversating." She looked at me and tucked her hair behind her ear.
Then she started to lean closer to me and then I realize, she's going to kiss me.
And just as I was going to get my kiss. My first kiss ever in my life. Until a man bust down the café door and yelled;
"NOBODY MOVE!"
I looked down and saw it. One of the last things I ever remember seeing.
A gun.
I hear a gunshot.
I see nothing.
I feel it.
Death.
submitted by Kitty Cat, age 13, They\Them
(October 28, 2021 - 8:01 pm)
(October 28, 2021 - 8:01 pm)
I like how the ending is in grammatical fragments. It helps make the death come across as sudden and unexpected.
;)
(October 29, 2021 - 5:44 am)
(October 29, 2021 - 5:45 am)
(October 29, 2021 - 5:45 am)
(October 29, 2021 - 2:18 pm)
It's interesting! I assume the next part is gonna be about the afterlife?
(October 29, 2021 - 6:50 pm)
(November 6, 2021 - 3:12 pm)
(November 7, 2021 - 6:09 pm)
Ooopps I will post a new part soon
(November 9, 2021 - 3:17 pm)
Post more soon! I love the first part!
(November 9, 2021 - 6:04 pm)
Great story so far!
(November 10, 2021 - 3:26 pm)
(November 21, 2021 - 1:06 pm)
NOTE!: TORI IS NOW KUSA!
Chapter Two: Rebirth:
I wake up.
My head is light.
My mouth is dry.
And my head... it feels like there's nothing inside.
"Hello. I am Tsuki. I see your... Cora. Am I correct." I look up. Everything is too bright. A woman in a long flowy white dress stands in front of me
"Where am I? What am I doing here I need to get back... wait. What happened back at the café?"
"You died Cora. A man, Felix Shipman shot you in the head." The woman shows me a picture of him.
"Has he been caught? Did he go to jail? Is Kusa okay?"
"Kusa is fine. It says here, that you are 17 years old, correct."
"ANSWER ME DANG IT! WAS HE CAUGHT?" I start to yell, realizing I don't know anything that happened out there. Or who this girl is and what she's been through.
"Look, I'm sorry, I just want to know if I'm okay... and what happened and... if Felix whatshisname was arrested."
"It is okay. Felix Shipman has not been caught yet. Kusa is fine and you died and this is the afterlife. But it says here that your supposed to be in NXUXN, correct." She answers. NXUXN sounds like an academy of some sort...
"Um, what is NXUXN? Is it some academy or something?"
"Correct. You should be sent there in a minute."
"What? I-I don't even know what that is?" Before I can finish I am standing in a classroom full of teenagers and-- snakes?
"Hello? What is this place?"
"It's NXUXN, duh. You're wearing the uniform. You'd think you'd know." I look over and see a girl with tan skin, which was a stark contrast to her neon teal hair slowly turning into neon green.
I look down and wonder how in the literal heck I got in this uniform. A sailor suit. How original.
"I'm sorry," A boy grabs my hand. "that's Luna, just ignore her. But anyway, this is NXUXN, an academy for teenagers who have been murdered to learn about revenge and gratitude."
"Wh-what?"
"I'm just kidding! I swear! It's the afterlife for us. We do learn about revenge, revenge to the ones who killed us." He explains.
"Okay, that's cool." I move my hair out of my face and tuck it behind my ear.
"Oh and the snakes, those are some kids war pets. You can choose between war kittens, demolition foxes, iron hawks, or battle snakes."
"Okay, but... why am I here?"
"Because..." He looks at my shirt. Apparently i have a name tag too. "Cora, you died and need revenge on your life."
(November 24, 2021 - 8:18 pm)
@admins, what do you think of my book so far?
Since you asked, I'll give you my honest answer. Your writing is fine, but I don't like reading about murder and revenge. I don't care for your subject matter.
Admin
(November 24, 2021 - 8:31 pm)
I like it!
(November 26, 2021 - 7:51 pm)