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Hello! This is part of story I wrote, and I need people's opinion on this. Please tell me what you think.
I used different names in the original, but I changed them.
Story
Epilogue
The whole thing started on Friday 13th, August. It
was a typical evening. Mia had come over for a sleepover. Our parents were
still chatting upstairs. Mia’s parents were supposed to have left about an hour
ago. Mia and I were watching a movie in my basement.
We were about half-way into the movie when the
screen became red static. We tried to turn it off, but the remote didn’t work.
We tried to get up, but we couldn’t. It was as if we were glued to the couch.
The TV began to say a message. We couldn’t
understand any of the message except for this: “Must find him before he-” We couldn’t understand
anything else. At last, we could move. We ran upstairs into the living room.
Our parents were asleep. The clock’s hands were covered in slime now. The painting was replaced by a mirror. There was an empty
jar on the table. I saw something in the mirror. I saw a man for a moment
before he disappeared. We heard footsteps upstairs.
I knew we had to do something, so I decided to
smash the clock. What else would I do? It was freaking me out. I grabbed a book
from our coffee table and threw it at the clock. Just for a moment, time seemed
to turn back.
The clock shattered. The slime on the clock now covered
our walls. Everything stopped moving except for us.
“Let’s collect the slime. It could be useful,”
said Mia.
“Did you hear a laugh upstairs?” I asked.
“Umm, I don’t think so...,” said Mia.
We collected the blood then ran upstairs.
We ran into my room and looked in the mirror. I
saw the man again.
“Who are you?” I asked, not really wanting the
answer.
The man then disappeared. We heard footstep
downstairs. We followed the footsteps into the garage. We never saw the man on
our way to the garage.
When we entered the garage, I grabbed a crowbar
from our tool shelf. Mia grabbed a sledgehammer. The man suddenly appeared in
front of us. We both hit him at the same time. He became a shattered mirror.
Suddenly, we returned to my basement. The movie
was playing. Our parents were talking upstairs. Everything had returned to what
would have been normal, except we still remembered what happened, and the
Mirror Man’s pieces were still on the floor of my garage. We collected his pieces
and locked him and the slime in a box.
submitted by StoryTeller, age Forgotten, somewhere
(October 11, 2021 - 1:49 pm)
(October 11, 2021 - 1:49 pm)
(October 27, 2021 - 2:43 pm)
(October 27, 2021 - 2:43 pm)
(November 5, 2021 - 4:52 pm)
(November 5, 2021 - 4:52 pm)
Hey Pancake,
I remember you asked for help with your story, so here it is, sorry I took so long...
Firstly, I find it's helpful to write some ideas for your story down. Snippets of scenes or ideas you have for where to go. I would try to figure out who this mirror man is and what he wants, that way you have some idea of where you're going.
Next: I know it's just because of the formatting, but I personally think that the "broken" quality of the sentences increases the dramaticness (is that a word?) I mean drama of the scenes.
Your writing has great potential! If you want anything else, let me know. I will check this thread often now.
--Shining Star
(November 5, 2021 - 4:56 pm)
THANKS! It may take a awhile for the next part, but I may end up writing it myself. My friends don't really seem interested in finishing it. Also, toptoptoptoptop. Admin, please bring this thread to the top!!! "n"
(November 5, 2021 - 5:15 pm)
Sarah’s P.O.V
I lied to Samantha.
The message wasn’t the only thing that had happened. I had seen shadow people
in the corners of my eyes, barely catching them in the mirror, or a corner at
night. They never did anything, just skulked around. I asked Mom to go to Samantha’s house. She took me and dropped me off.
“Hey! Come on in. We need to show you something,” said Samantha.
“What?” I asked.
“Just come! Emma’s
already here. We’re just waiting for you,” Sam
said as she waved me in.
I came in and we walked upstairs. I noticed a mirror where
the painting normally was. I asked about it, and they just shrugged. They
showed me the messages and told me what had happened so far, but in much more
detail. Emma carefully listened. I was
listening to someone else.
“Hey guys...” I said, glancing up at the ceiling.
“What?” said Sam.
“Look up,” I said.
They all looked up. On the ceiling there was a message. It
read They are listening.
We all looked around. Samantha
screamed suddenly.
“What? What?” We all asked.
“Th-there was a mouse. I hate mice,” Sam
said.
“Mice! The mice are listening!” I exclaimed.
“Oh no...” groaned Sam.
“Where are mice usually?” I asked Sam.
“The attic...” She said.
“Have you gone up there?” I asked.
“Yeah. Weren’t you listening? We went up there to study the
rain,” said Mia.
We all ran to the opening where you go into the attic. It
was closed. And locked.
“Huh? But there isn’t a key for it! There isn’t even a lock!”
said Sam.
“Let me try,” said Mia.
She pushed really hard and in came open. I stuck my head up
and saw, things covering the walls. Actually,
they were drawings covering the walls. I saw a mouse caught in a mouse trap.
“Do you have more mouse traps?” Emma
asked.
“Yup, here,” Sam
said, handing some up.
We placed them in a pattern. Suddenly, something tapped me
on the shoulder. I screamed and whirled around just to find Emma standing there.
“What?!” asked Sam.
“Sorry, Emma startled
me,” I said.
“Good. Now let’s go back down,” said Sam.
(November 6, 2021 - 8:56 am)
BRING THIS TO THE TOP!!!!!
(November 7, 2021 - 9:14 am)
(November 7, 2021 - 6:20 pm)