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Morbid(ish) Poem I
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Morbid(ish) Poem I
Morbid(ish) Poem I ended up writing. I've discovered that while I have no talent whatsoever in rhyming poetry, I can write depressing free-verse fairly well. So, this is Koffee's new and improved poem style! Tell me what you think! (Note: My knees are actually doing fairly well. It's just my inspiration here, since it's supposed to be depressing. So please don't worry about me :D)
Title: ??? (I'd like suggestions, if you would :D)
Poem:
You walk on the track.
You feel it beneath your feet.
You want to run, but you cannot.
You are alone in the middle of everyone.
The Need, the Pain, the Wish, and You.
You watch.
They run by, breathing hard now.
Your eyes watch them hungrily.
They swoop in a graceful arc around the edge of the track.
And you ache.
The Need, the Pain, the Wish, and You.
They tell you you’re lucky, later.
You laugh.
Agree with them.
It’s the only thing that will stop you from crying.
The Need, the Pain, the Wish and You.
The Need.
That ache to run, down inside of you.
The wanting.
The feeling that what you don’t do may kill you.
The Need and You.
The Pain.
That beats out the Need like a drowning flame.
That takes over your mind.
That makes you never want to run again.
The Pain and You.
The Wish.
For the Pain and the Need to be gone.
Cancel each other out.
Kill each other.
And you will rise, and live again.
The Wish and You.
You.
Trapped in your own mind.
Condemned to your sorrows.
You hate yourself for feeling sorry.
For being weak.
Aches more than the Need.
Stronger than the Pain.
And dampens the Wish.
You.
And Yourself.
Inside of each other.
I hope that it doesn't moosh it together like it usually does, because it's supposed to be seperated into stanzas.... Critique? Title? Etc?
submitted by Koffee
(September 28, 2009 - 10:21 pm)
(September 28, 2009 - 10:21 pm)
First, title. Isn't it obvious? "The Need, the Wish, the Pain, and You", of course! I love it, Koffee. Your writing skills as always are fantastic. And no, it didn't moosh together.
(September 29, 2009 - 12:23 pm)
*slaps forehead* DUH! Earth to Koffee! Thanks, Jenni :D I kind of get into the habit of naming stuff with one word, and I can't think outside of my *box* :D (FRONT!)
(September 29, 2009 - 10:13 pm)
Of course Jenni is right about the name. :)
About the poem in general; It's very good. :) I might take out just a little of the punctuation so it flows better, but otherwise I like it a lot. And I 'gree about depressing free verse being lots easier (and more fun...) to write than rhyming poetry. ;) *gazes in awe at Dr. Suess*
(September 30, 2009 - 12:20 pm)
No problem. I'm glad to know that I actually helped my hero (joke) XD.
(October 8, 2009 - 1:15 pm)
Hey, that's good, Koffee. Really good. "You are alone in the middle of everyone." Nice line, that. "You laugh..... It's the only thing that will stop you from crying." Even better. It is true that humans (or some of them, anyway) have a defense reaction, as it were. Whenever stress levels get to high, we begin to make jokes of everything because it's the only thing that will keep us from crying. "The feeling that what you don't do may kill you." I like that one, no particular reason. "The Pain.... That takes over your mind." Good one. In.... eh, I think the second.... Eragon book, Eragon says something like "I have a new name for pain. The Obliterator. When you are in pain, everything else ceases to matter." I have a few things against the Eragon books, but Paolini does make some good points. "And you will rise, and live again." Good line. I don't like the line "Cancel each other out," though. It kind of breaks the rhythm. In the next stanza, I would replace the word sorry with a single-syllable word, but that's just me. I do love that stanza, though. My favorite. "You hate yourself for feeling sorry. For being weak." I would maybe italicize weak, though. Feels better. That's the way my mind hears it. Anywho, great job, Koffee. Write more free verse - you're good at it.
-EH
(September 30, 2009 - 11:53 am)
It is really good. I kinda don't understand why the person can't run, but it's good anyway. It probably doesn't matter.
(September 30, 2009 - 4:05 pm)
Nice poem! :) And I definitely agree with Jenni
about the title. ;) You're right. Free-verse is
definitely your poem style. :D
(September 30, 2009 - 4:45 pm)
Heehee :D Thanks, you guys :D (Especially Emily!)
@ whoever asked: Sorry, I didn't explain this much, but my knees are pretty bad, so I write depressing free-verse about them! *squee*
(September 30, 2009 - 7:02 pm)
....aaand koffee brings the conversation to a screeching halt, as usual.... *is sad*
(October 1, 2009 - 10:24 pm)
Great poem! Jenni's title is great, too.
(October 3, 2009 - 5:03 pm)
Wow! Really good! Don't be sad! I'm starting the conversation up again!!
(October 3, 2009 - 8:30 pm)
Heehee! *is grateful* Thanks :D
(October 4, 2009 - 3:07 pm)
That was really pretty, Koffee! It made almost cry a little, partly because it was so well written, and partly because I used to do cross-country running, and I loved it, but this past week I broke my big toe pretty badly, and I can't run anymore. Good job! (P.S.- Do you think it would be okay for me to copy and paste it into MS Word and save it? If I saved it as the title by Koffee? :))
(October 4, 2009 - 6:52 pm)
Oh, wow! I feel honored!! As long as you don't post it anywhere else or take credit for it in any way, I'm fine with that :D Sorry, I'm just a tad possesive of my writing *ducks as rotten fruit is thrown* So, yes, no reproductions :D
(October 4, 2009 - 10:24 pm)
I promise!!! :) And thank you! :)
(October 6, 2009 - 7:34 am)