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And Now For Something Completely Different...
An essay, that is. You see, my dear sister had an essay topic- "What is Freedom?"- which I just had to write an essay on because... well... it's just a great essay topic. So I wrote an essay, and you guys get to read it... if you want... *shrug*
On a completely unrelated note, OMGSQUEE WE'RE DOING STOP-MOTION IN MY COMPUTER CLASS!!!! AND GIMP!!! *squeesqueesqueesquee*
Hem. Here's the essay, hope it's not too long...:
The concept of freedom holds a powerful draw over the human imagination. History is rich with examples of mankind’s pursuit of freedom; entire wars have been fought because of it. However, complete freedom is nonexistent in the world today; countries have governments and citizens must comply to certain laws or face the penalties. Furthermore, the freedom that people do have tends to diminish over time, leading to a constant cycle of relative freedom and oppression.
Humans harbor an intense desire to be free; it is human nature to want a life unfettered by oppression or an endless series of rules. Animals such as birds are admired for their ability to fly, largely because of the freedom associated with flight. Wilderness as a whole excites the human imagination because it is free, and humankind longs for that feeling of freedom. For example, Yellowstone National Park is a popular area for vacation due to its untamed beauty and the wild animals which roam free within its boundaries, and people crave that kind of freedom. This desire is a powerful driving force, strong enough to fuel wars such as the American Revolution. What started largely as a dispute over unfair tax laws escalated into a full-scale war to separate America from its mother country Britain. Just as an animal is at its most dangerous when it is cornered and in danger of capture or attack, so humans are at their most fierce and determined when they are oppressed or threatened with oppression.
There is a dark side to complete and total freedom, however. It can be destructive; for example, while Yellowstone is a wonderful location to visit it can also be dangerous and even fatal. Similarly, absolute freedom would cause problems in the human society if even one person were homicidally inclined, as there would be no threat of punishment to deter such an individual from murdering whenever he pleased. Governmental interference is a necessary function of modern society, as laws provide structure to cultures which would otherwise collapse into anarchy. While the United States of America is a country built upon a foundation of freedom, its citizens are not free to act as they please. There are certain activities, such as murder or theft, which are illegal and those who pursue such activities will be punished. Though these laws decrease freedom, they allow people to feel secure and therefore happy. Variety may be the “spice of life”, but too much variety leaves people feeling uncomfortable and uncertain.
A balance between freedom and order must be found and maintained in order for people to be content. For example, if there were no law against homicide, the fear of murder would increase drastically and the lack of security would cause incredible anxiety, stress, and unhappiness. On the other hand, if the government begins restricting the freedom to carry weapons in an attempt to stop murder, the public will begin to feel resentful. Furthermore, if law-abiding citizens are not allowed to carry a weapon for possible self-defense, fear and anxiety will increase once again because a murderer will very likely not be bothered by a small matter like anti-gun laws and the law-abiding people will once again be in danger. The logical solution to a dilemma such as this is to pass a law making homicide illegal, but allow people to carry weapons for self defense. However, over the years countries tend towards the restrictive side of the spectrum, gradually removing seemingly inconsequential rights until the public finds themselves defenseless against potential attackers. In short, freedom tends to gradually corrode or decrease as a society ages. This is largely due to the slow corruption of government, which likely stems from an increase in bureaucracy and the human tendency to become power-hungry or greedy. Furthermore, as people begin to take their freedoms for granted, they become more likely to let their rights slowly slip away.
Since freedom tends to decay over time and the destructive side of human nature, true and complete freedom is very likely unattainable. The best that mankind can reasonably aspire to is the perfect balance between structured law and human rights. While the artists and writers may look to the birds of the sky as a picture of perfect freedom, one must remember that humans can be cruel and destructive, and that laws, however irritating they may be, are a necessary function of human civilization.
...Sigh. Pity it won't be graded, but what do y'all think?
submitted by TNÖ, age 16, Deep Space
(September 3, 2009 - 12:46 am)
(September 3, 2009 - 12:46 am)
Wow... now I have the vaguest idea of how your teachers feel when they're trying to grade you. ...That was great. Very well-worded and eloquent and it flowed beautifully.
Um... that's really all there is to say, it was terrific. The only nitpicking comment I can think to make is that if I'm correct, "variety is the spice of life", should have the comma after the quotation marks... but that's all. It was really quite amazing.
(September 3, 2009 - 9:55 am)
Warembourg of 9th grade drama/Humanities fame rubs off on your writing style. In ninth grade English he sits down with you for every essay your write and goes through each paragraph telling you what's good and what should probably changed, again and again until you get, um, pretty good at writing essays. The man has incredible patience.
Between that and the rambling style of his lectures (which is amazing, you learn so much), it's probably obvious why so many people hate his guts... Not I, though. He's awesome.
(September 3, 2009 - 5:00 pm)
Warembourg being your ninth grade drama/humanities teacher, I assume.
...Why do some people have all the luck with teachers? Whereas others get stuck with the ones who keep various kinds of knives in their desks? Why is that?
(September 3, 2009 - 8:25 pm)
Mr. Warembourg is the ninth grade English teacher and the Humanities teacher. Our school doesn't technically have a drama program, so he leads the drama club after school, every day for months.
Like I said, incredible patience, awesome teacher.
As to teachers and luck, I dunno. I like all the teachers at my highschool with the exception of all three math teachers. Steinbrenner's alright, Petersen is a condescending misogynistic git, and Ms. Davis is, essentially, a skinny Umbridge.
On the other hand, I do have a *happydance* I need to do because Ms. Roberts (US History) is definitely *not* living up to her reputation as a terrible, vindictive and mean teacher. So yay.
You, on the other hand, seem stuck with the Ms. Bitters of the world. *sympathy pies*
(September 3, 2009 - 10:47 pm)
Yeah, and we don't even get people with interesting names like "Warembourg" and "Steinbrenner" as compensation. :P I'll stop whining now, though, because we're in middle school (!) now and get *different* teachers! :D ...Well, four days from now anyway.
(September 4, 2009 - 10:28 am)
Wow. As in, that sounds like a professional essay.
(September 4, 2009 - 9:51 am)
Wow. Great essay. I find it unusual/admirable that you decided to write an essay just because it seemed like a good topic.
(September 4, 2009 - 2:10 pm)
Well, Quinn needed help, and I started kind of rambling, and decided to write it all down so I wouldn't forget it in the morning, and as I said, after you go through Warembourg's 9th grade English it's basically impossible not to write random thoughts on a topic down in essays. Also, it was midnight (which is why it's a little garbled).
(September 4, 2009 - 7:23 pm)
I'm generally impressed. A couple things - you said "What started largely as a dispute over unfair tax laws escalated
into a full-scale war to separate America from its mother country
Britain." That's not quite true.... See, I've turned into a history geek as well as everything else about which I'm a geek, and little red lights go off in my head when I read that. Bear with me here.... The slogan of the colonists was "No taxation without representation," but they didn't actually want representatives in Parliament - the colonial representatives would have been drastically outnumbered and generally ineffective. Nor was the issue really the tax increases - the colonists paid - as a rule - less than twenty percent of the taxes that the people in England paid. The problem was that the British asserting their authority reduced the level of self-government to which the colonists had become accustomed. So it was a great example, just not properly stated. Forgive me for that long bunny trail.
From here on my suggestions are purely techincal, promise. In the first paragraph, you have the sentence, "History is rich with examples of mankind’s pursuit of freedom; entire wars have been fought because of it." If it were me, I would a) replace the semicolon with a colon, b) take out the word entire and c) have three clauses there instead of one - maybe something like "History is rich with examples of mankind's pursuit of freedom: wars have been fought, empires have crumbled, and countries have been founded in pursuit of freedom."
In the second paragraph, you had the sentence "For example, Yellowstone National Park is a popular area for
vacation due to its untamed beauty and the wild animals which roam free
within its boundaries, and people crave that kind of freedom." I don't like that sentece - I would replace it with something like "For example, Yellowstone National Park is a popular area for vacation because people see something of the freedom they crave in its untamed beauty and animals." The first one feels a touch choppy and unnatural.
In the same paragraph, there's the sentence "Just as an animal is at its most dangerous when it is cornered
and in danger of capture or attack, so humans are at their most fierce
and determined when they are oppressed or threatened with oppression." While that is true (the American Revolution is a good example) it is also true that when people have submission pounded into their heads, they will go with whatever the government does. On a smaller scale, have you heard the recent news story about Jacee Lee Duggard (I think that was her name) who was found after being kidnapped eighteen years ago? She never tried to go to the police, because her captors got into her eleven-year-old mind an attitude of dumb acceptance. Just keep that in mind.
In the fourth paragraph, you have the sentence "For example, if there were no law against homicide, the fear of
murder would increase drastically and the lack of security would cause
incredible anxiety, stress, and unhappiness." My initial thought on reading that was "Uh, you forgot to mention death...." It's not just the fear, you know. Minor thing, as you address it later, but it caught my eye.
The gun control example was good. Very good. The last sentence of the fourth paragraph is also good - "Furthermore, as people begin to take their freedoms for granted, they become more likely to let their rights slowly slip away." True, that.
Lastly... you, um, didn't actually answer the prompt? Just saying....
Sorry this is so long. Oh, to be able to critique my own writing like this....
-EH
(September 4, 2009 - 5:35 pm)
Re: The American Revolution: Thank you. I'll be certain to keep that in mind if I actually have to write a graded essay on the topic...
Re: Um, poor sentence structure: Yes, I noticed that too, rereading it after it got posted. And some typos. This is why second drafts are a beautiful thing... *grin*
Re: People being pounded into oppression: That's just the thing. If you haven't had the time to properly experience freedoms, then you're not going to know enough to realize you're being oppressed. What I meant was (and I could have worded it better) was that people will fight to keep the freedoms they do have, but on the other hand, of course, if you're born after the rights are taken away, you're not actually having your freedom threatened, it's already gone.
Re: No mention of death: Oh. Uh... heh. Right. Homicide. Death. I er, didn't draw the connection until you mentioned it... *slinks off in shame*
Re: gun control example: Britain's a bit like that. You can be jailed for shooting/attacking a burglar who's broken into your home and threatening you or your family.
Re: Didn't answer the prompt: I know... er... I meandered off topic... a lot... I blame the fact that it was written at midnight and with no prior planning other than a bit of rambling. Web graphs are a wonderful thing. So is focus. Focus is good.
*cookies for the wonderfantastical critiquey*
(September 5, 2009 - 12:36 am)
Cookies! I like cookies. Someone who actually likes my critiques! I like that even better. *coconut cream pies for TNO*
-EH
(September 5, 2009 - 5:13 pm)
Coconut cream! *om nom nom*
(September 5, 2009 - 10:44 pm)
I thought that it was an absolutely amazing essay. It was extremely well written, and I agree with most of it. However...
In your sentence, "For example, if there were no law against homicide, the fear of
murder would increase drastically and the lack of security would cause
incredible anxiety, stress, and unhappiness," I found a minor hole. If there was a murderer on the loose, wouldn't he be taking away people's freedom of life? Or, at least their freedom of thought (they would, as you said, become afraid, but I'm sure they don't possibly want to be. If they were completely free, they wouldn't need to worry about murder. But if the murderer couldn't murder, he or she wouldn't be free either.
So perhaps absolute freedom is a mere illusion, and cannot ever truly exist. Why else would there be no truly free countries in the world? When you think about it, even birds aren't free to do whatever they want. For example, a pidgeon can't sit down next to a starving wolf. If it did, it would, in a way, be punished with death by the laws of nature and hunger.
Feel free to disagree, but I believe true freedom is simply impossible. Partial freedom is common, however.
(September 13, 2009 - 8:13 pm)
You make a good point, Ima.
This is kind of off-topic, but... Today my wonderful social studies teacher assigned a very great homework assignment*. We have to write an essay, and our prompt is, "What happened to polite society?" *cheers* That is an awesome prompt.
I'm excited... :D
*So now there's such thing as "great" homework... h'm. o.O
(September 18, 2009 - 3:10 pm)
Sounds cool, Mary Liz! Haha the other day I was talking to my friends (who are sisters) Mary and Liz and I found myself thinking of you, lol.
(September 19, 2009 - 1:18 pm)