Water poems!!!!!!

Chatterbox: Inkwell

Water poems!!!!!!

Water poems!!!!!!

Ema gave me the idea for this with her water poem (which she should post here, because it is awesome!) Anyway, write a poem about water! It could be about you diving or jumping or something like that, or maybe about a river or lake. Whatever you feel like. (Ack! That sounds really horrible and school-teachery, but oh well. *sigh*) I'll try a poem now.

Dive

I hear the buzzer go off.
Dive.
I leap to the water,
Arms spread in front of me.
For a few perfect seconds, I can fly.

My hands slice through the water.
My body leaps through
The perfect cut in the waiting blue silk.
Soft gloved hands of water brush my cheeks, welcoming me.

I'm completely under water.
Submerged in silence.
I kick upwards, headed for the surface,
Yet not wanting to leave this blue, perfect world.

As my head breaks the surface, sound hits my ears.
Cheering of fans,
The announcer talking in that swaying voice of his,
I hear my name I'm in second place.

My arms start whirring, My feet start kicking.
Its a rhythm.
Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, breath.
It never stops, always going.

I see the first wall,
I flip and push off,
Headed back.
Still, stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, breath.

Another wall.
This is it.
I swim as harder than I ever thought possible.
Wham! My fingers hit the sensor on the wall.

I'm first!
I hear people cheering,
But I'm already thinking about
My next race. I can't wait to
Dive.

 

What do you think? Feedback? Likes? Dislikes? Hate? Suggestions? Tell me everything! :)

 

submitted by Emma O., age 12, OR
(August 20, 2009 - 1:05 pm)

back to the Inkwell

It was very well-writtten, and I really liked it. However, it was somewhat confusing. At first, I didn't realize that the diving was a contest. Then, when I did, I wondered what kind (deepest diving, longest breath held, etc). It didn't say it was a race until the 2nd-to-last line. You might want to change that.

Other than that, though, it was wonderful.

It inspired me to write one of my own, right on the spot – Oh, never mind, my brother turned the television on and I can't focus.

submitted by Ima
(August 20, 2009 - 6:25 pm)

I really like it! Good job. :)

submitted by Lena
(September 4, 2009 - 7:31 am)

Thanks! Good advice, Ima. I'll try to change it... Lets see...

 

I hear the buzzer go off, singing.
Saying the race is beginning.
Adrenaline bolts through me.
I leap to the water,
Arms spread in front of me.
For a few perfect seconds, I can fly.

My hands slice through the water.
My body leaps through
The perfect cut in the waiting blue silk.
Soft gloved hands of water brush my cheeks, welcoming me.

I'm completely under water.
Submerged in silence.
I kick upwards, headed for the surface,
Yet not wanting to leave this blue, perfect world.

As my head breaks the surface, sound hits my ears.
Cheering of fans,
The announcer talking in that swaying voice of his,
I hear my name I'm in second place.

My arms start whirring, My feet start kicking.
Its a rhythm.
Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, breath.
It never stops, always going.

I see the first wall,
I flip and push off,
Headed back.
Still, stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, breath.

Another wall.
This is it.
I swim as harder than I ever thought possible.
Wham! My fingers hit the sensor on the wall.

I'm first!
I hear people cheering,
But I'm already thinking about
My next race.
I can't wait.


submitted by Emma O.
(September 5, 2009 - 10:16 pm)

I know someone who can swim the length of a pool without taking a breath. /random

Anyway... poems! Wee! I like yours, it's very true. Starting is fun.

Right.

 

Cold stirs around her

Currents tug at her hair

Her mouth gapes open,

Stretched wide in silent prayer

 

Weeds cling to her feet

Like slimy monster hands

She breaks the surface

And briefly sights the land

 

A gasp, a breath and

Down once more to darkness

Water, where she no

Longer fears the stillness 

 

The lights slowly fade

She descends in silence

To the weedy hands

Waiting with insistence

 

...This is why I don't write poetry. It always sounds super depressed/grim. Without fail. Ah, well.

submitted by TNÖ, age 16, Deep Space
(September 5, 2009 - 11:41 pm)

Wow, TNO, that's amazingly depressing. Yowch. I really like the lines "Her mouth gapes open, / Stretched wide in silent prayer" Good, somehow. 

And you know two people (at least) who can swim the length of the pool without breathing, cause I can. Wull of course it depends on how long it is. :P

 

-EH

submitted by Emily H. :), age 13, Sparks, NV
(September 6, 2009 - 3:11 pm)

Here's my water poem.

 The Stream

 

A slim lady

Is twisting down the land

Telling what she's seen

Crooning soft stories

 

 

Waving

Dancing

Inviting

Join her

 

 

Lay down beside her

Melt in her melody

Close your eyes and slow down

Try to sing with the stream. 

 

submitted by JFB, age 13, Here and There
(September 6, 2009 - 8:09 am)

Aw, thanks Emma! :) I guess I will post my poem here. I actually had almost forgotten I had written a poem...

 

A splash of energy

Soaring head over heels

Sinking into the 

Deep

Bubbles burst into millions

A sea of glimmering stones

World above a colorful 

Swirl

Feet pop up

Upside down

Floating up to the

Surface

 

I edited it a little bit, it might sound a little better that way.

 

I really, really liked your poem, Emma! I don't have any thoughts about it besides that I liked it! :)

submitted by Ema, age 12, NY
(September 6, 2009 - 11:30 am)

Here, I'll write one of my own. This is a rough draft, I warn you.

 

Sometime, it seems 

Like this isn't air, and that, 

That up there isn't sky. 

Sometimes,

The dirt

And dust

And angry children 

Press in around me

And I think, "I must be holding

My breath. Let me go to the surface - 

It will take only a moment."

My eyes turn up and I push off

But gravity still asserts its hold on me

And the tantalizing blue just above

Mocks me,

Taunts me,

Until I lower my eyes, my mind

Stifled. 

Then,

Just below,

Another sky, another

Horizon, another breath of fresh air.

It warms me,

Cools me,

Welcomes me

With open arms and soothes me. 

At long last there is quiet

And I soak in it, a sort of gentle

Ecstacy. 

 

Does that make any sense? I hope it does - like I said, this is a rough draft, a spur-of-the-moment sort of poem. 

 

-EH

submitted by Emily H. :), age 13, Sparks, NV
(September 6, 2009 - 3:08 pm)

Thanks! Yah, one of my favorite parts definately is that start. Wow, TNO, that was really good and amazing in a sort of depressing, morbid way. I LOVED it!! JFB, that was really cool. I love the way you talked about "The Stream!" So good! Ema (nice name! Lol!), just as great the 2nd time as the 1st! Emily H, really good!!! I just of the kind of unreal feeling about it.... Hmm... That doesn't make much sense... Hope you know what  mean... :D :D :D :D to everyone! Bye for now!

submitted by Emma O.
(September 6, 2009 - 8:58 pm)