I saw this as I was going to bed.

Now it’s morning and I’m shocked nobody has commented on it yet.

This is hilarious as always. I love your writing Alizarine. 

Chapter 1
The dinner 

Olympia: The Green’s Canned Broccoli Fiasco began at my friend Jayden’s house. Her family was eating dinner with her aunt, which was considered an event by every kid in the neighborhood. 

“You haven’t met everyone until you’ve met Jayden’s aunt Elixevetta.” – Adam 

Now, you’re probably thinking “Elixevetta? Is that even a real name?” The answer is no, probably not. See, it’s hard to explain Aunt Elixevetta unless you’ve spent a lot of time with her, so Jayden did it for me. 

Jayden: Describe Aunt Elixevetta? Gee. Uh, so imagine a picky granny who dyes her hair a different color every week, owns a leather jacket she stole from her ex-boyfriend, cracks jokes about ‘office life’ even though she has never worked in an office, plays the french horn, legally changed her name at age 18 because ‘Sandra’ is too boring, comes over for dinner every month like her life depends on it, and is 24. That’s aunt Elixevetta. Oh, alao she ALWAYS (without fail) comes over for dinner once a month and ALWAYS (without fail) has some weird interesting story that is probably not true. I always relay her stories to the people at school, and because of that she’s practically a celebrity in our neighborhood. 

Olympia: Further necessary info: Aunt Elixevetta is one of those people who will say to an employee “Lemme talk to your manager” at the drop of a hat.  

So back to the dinner. 

Jayden: Ok, so basically we were going to have chicken, green beans, and mashed potatoes (which we have every time Aunt Elixevetta comes over) and while my mom was still cooking You Know Who showed up. 

“What’s cookin?” Aunt Elixevetta says. 

“Green beans like every month,” my mom says. 

“GREEN BEANS?!” 

“Yeah, do you like green beans?” 

“Well, I mean sure if you wanna kill the planet!” 

“What?” 

“There’s a green bean shortage, sis!” 

“Ok, but I grew these in the backyard so it’s whatever.” 

“Naw, sis. You should be selling those to the rich people for millions o dollas.” 

“That could have worked, but I already cooked them halfway, and no rich person in their right mind will buy half cooked green beans.” 

“Who says rich people are in their right mind? Anyway, broccoli is more fashionable right now.” 

“I don’t have broccoli-” 

“I do! Can I use your microwave?” 

Then Aunt Elexevetta opened a can of Green’s Broccoli and stuck it in the microwave and ate it for dinner straight out of the can. 

Olympia: Right. So, Aunt Elexevetta called Jayden’s parents on the phone a few days later in a rage saying something about how after she got home she got really sick, and she has a great immune system and NEVER gets sick, so it must be food poisoning, and because she eats the same thing every month the only possibility was the Green’s Canned Broccoli. 

Jayden: Dun dun duuuunnnnnn...

Olympia: At first everyone thought “Meh, whatever”, but because of her tendency to want to "talk to your manager" she wrote to Green’s Canned Products inc’s CEO.

And that’s where it really got crazy.

This is amazing! I love your writing and sense of humor, I can't wait to see what happens next.

Chapter 2: The emails

*Olympia's note: After the majority of the war, Jayden asked Aunt Elixevetta what had started it. Aunt Elixevetta showed Jayden a lot of emails and texts, and Jayden showed them to me so I could put them in this book.* 

From: Elixevetta Porter  
To: Stephan Maldonado, Green’s Canning CEO 

Mr. Maldonado, I recently ate some of your canned broccoli and shortly afterward got sick. I have an excellent immune system and never get sick and because I eat the same thing every month and the only unusual thing I ate was YOUR broccoli, I think your broccoli food-poisoned me. Please RECALL this dangerous vegetable. 

Thank you, 
Elixevetta Porter

From: Green’s answering service Tokyo branch 
To: Elixevetta Porter

Dear Elixevetta Ma’am,

Thank you for the review. We have inspected regularly and our broccoli of cans is most definitely not toxic at all. 

Wishing you best, Timothy 

(Brought to you by the brand new ooglinguo translator! Support us as we work out our translation errors at bit. 9275bwf92 .org!)

From: Elixevetta Porter 
To: Green’s answering service Tokyo branch 

Timothy, I said nothing about your broccoli being TOXIC. I think you’re hiding something and I would like to talk to your manager as soon as possible. 

Elixevetta Porter

From: Green’s answering service London branch
To: Elixevetta Porter 

Thank you for emailing Green’s services. This is automated response #6284591. Send further comments to StephanMaldonado@Greens.com.

From: Elixevetta Porter 
To: Stephan Maldanado, Green’s canning inc. 

Your answering service told me indirectly that your broccoli is TOXIC. TOXIC! I want answers! What do you put into that broccoli of yours? Mercury? Arsenic?! RADIOACTIVE SUBSTANCES?!?!?!? 

I want to know exactly what I have been poisoned with within 1-3 business days or else. 

Elixevetta Porter

From: Stephan Maldanado’s answering service 
To: Elixevetta Porter 

Hi there! Stephan Maldanado here. I’m busy with many emails, and I sadly cannot reply to yours. This is automated response #1085.

From: Elixevetta Porter 
To: Stephan Maldonado’s answering service 

I warned you. This will not go unnoticed by the world. Justice will rain down on you. 

By the Hands of Justice, 
Elixevetta Porter 

From: Stephan Maldonado’s answering service 
To: Elixevetta Porter

Hi there! Stephan Maldanado here. I’m busy with many emails, and I sadly cannot reply to yours. This is automated response #1093.

(P.S. to Admin: All names, websites and emails are entirely fictional. Also, when I previewed this post, the fake email was linked to something. Please unlink it if you can, I don't want it to actually go anywhere :D Thank you!) 

This is so stinkin good, Alizarine! I love your writing, it’s hilarious! I will definitely be back for more.

AHH!!!! I love it so much! GREAT JOB! also, because I couldn't help myself, I clicked on the link and it led me to Gmail, but I exed out as soon as I got there because I was worried I was actually going to write to Green's CEO, though I doubt that'd actually happen...but yeah, GOOD, no, GREAT, nah, GREOOD JOB (CAUSE THAT'S A WORD NOW)!!