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Critiquing?S
Critiquing?
So, I don't post on Inkwell, like, ever, so if this is in the wrong place, please ignorw it.
This is a character sketch i wrote for school, and because i never write I'm not sure if it goes under the catagory of "character sketch" or not. If yall don't mind, could you give me some tips? Thank you!
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Nobody would suspect her to be sick. Daisy smiled at the funny parts of a movie, had long walks after dinner, and drank an unhealthy amount of strawberry milkshake. She sang with her friends, and was always in the middle of a good book. She seemed happy enough. But enough is very easy to see at a first glance. If someone were to look closer, you could see her grey eyes were full of hollow hurt, like the sky during a dreary rainstorm . The pair were dull, cloudy and glazed over, no shine, no nothing. And if someone pulled up the sleeves of her cutesy pink sweater she always wore, they would see the thin red scars on her wrists, some from last year, some from last night, done in a panic on the bathroom floor with her roommate's razor. Daisy never liked how they described her condition as "mentally ill," she much preferred "depressed". She had accepted the fact that there was something wrong with her, but still would rather not talk about it. Even if she did, no one really understood what she felt. Everyone seemed to think depression was crying your mascara off in bed at midnight, shouting your loved one's name into the wind, or to cut for attention, for someone to love you. Daisy knew it was knowing that people still loved you, but not seeing it, not believing it, leading to feeling utterly useless. It was feeling completely numb, and cutting in order to feel something, anything again. It was feeling numb, almost every day, every hour, every second. But she was lucky. Her friends and family were very supportive, doing everything they could to make her feel loved. Most of her days were numb, but some days she felt a little something there, a little sunshine peeking through the murky mist that filled up her mind. She was able to see why she kept going; that people did truly loved her. She always wrote down how she felt in her journal on those days, to give herself a little sparkle of hope. Sure, Daisy was depressed. But she was still living and breathing, still smiling and making other people smile. She was still here, and that's all that mattered.
submitted by tooscaredtoshow
(May 4, 2018 - 2:41 pm)
(May 4, 2018 - 2:41 pm)
WOW that's good.
(May 4, 2018 - 7:18 pm)
Top
(May 4, 2018 - 9:09 pm)
It's good. You might want to put a little more in, though; how she reacts to the naysayers, what she does every day, what motivates and touches her, stuff to give us an idea of who she is. You have a lovely description of depression here. I just can't imagine how a conversation with her would go.
(May 5, 2018 - 12:53 pm)
Thank you so much! Here's an updated draft -- very much the same, but i added a little about her love of music and positivity:
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Nobody would suspect her to be sick. Daisy wrote music, had long walks after dinner, and drank an unhealthy amount of strawberry milkshake. She sang with her friends, and was always in the middle of a good book. She seemed happy enough. But enough is very easy to see at a first glance. If someone were to look closer, you could see her grey eyes were full of hollow hurt, like the sky during a dreary rainstorm. The pair were dull, cloudy and glazed over, no shine, no nothing. And if someone pulled up the sleeves of her cutesy pink sweater she always wore, they would see the thin red scars on her wrists, some from last year, some from last night, done in a panic on the bathroom floor with her roommate's razor. Daisy never liked how they described her condition as "mentally ill," she much preferred "depressed". She had accepted the fact that there was something wrong with her, but still would rather not talk about it. Even if she did, no one really understood what she felt. Everyone seemed to think depression was crying your mascara off in bed at midnight, shouting your loved one's name into the wind, or to cut for attention, for someone to love you. Daisy knew it was knowing that people still loved you, but not seeing or believing it, leading to feeling utterly useless. It was feeling completely numb, and cutting in order to feel something, anything again. It was feeling numb, almost every day, every hour, every second. But even though she felt like nobody understood, she was very positive of life and felt like she was going to get better. She didn't let her depression get in the way of her friends or family or love of music. She still functioned through the hollowness, she wrote, performed, and published her music through YouTube, getting an immense amount of support. Most of her days were numb, but some days she felt a little something there, a little sunshine peeking through the murky mist that filled up her mind. She was able to see why she kept going; that people did truly loved her. She always wrote down how she felt in her journal on those days, to give herself a little sparkle of hope. Daisy had depression, but that didn't stop her from trying to make her little happy dent in the world.
(May 5, 2018 - 2:36 pm)
That's really good! It's really well-written, and I like the part you added about music. Keep up the good work!
(May 6, 2018 - 10:39 am)
Hello there!
I'm a bit crazy when it comes to critiquing, so I might say things that sound slightly hurtful or are too critical. If I do, I'm so sorry! I'm not an expert on any of this, and I often make mistakes myself. (Probably more than just often, to be honest.)
Adjectives: I love how descriptive this is. I especially like the comparisons and anologies (I believe the correct term for it would be anology or analogy), especially "But enough is very easy to see at a first glance. If someone were to look closer, you could see her grey eyes were full of hollow hurt, like the sky during a dreary rainstorm". You did very well with the descriptions and adjectives; you don't seem to describe anything too much or too little. I can see everything in my mind while I am reading--keep up the good work!
Grammar/spelling: The only mistakes I caught (though there might be more!) were that after/in the above passage (But enough is very easy to see at a first glance. If someone were to look closer, you could see her grey eyes were full of hollow hurt, like the sky during a dreary rainstorm). There is a space before the period in that sentence, and it juggles 'someone' and 'you'--can you use one or the other? Thanks!
Cliches: I found none of these, really; except that having a 'depressed character' and 'cutting' are cliches. However, this portrays it very well and I would never ask you to get rid of this amazing sketch. I love it.
Smoothness: The smoothness of the writing is pretty incredible. (You should add paragraphs, however. Was that a copy+paste issue, or did you just forget to add them?) The only mistake I could find (Again, there might be more, I'm horrible at seeing these things) was "Daisy never liked how they described her condition as "mentally ill," she much preferred "depressed"." I believe that "Daisy never liked how they described her condition as "mentally ill," as she much preferred "depresed". Would be correct, or even "Daisy never liked how they described her condition as "mentally ill,"--she much preferred "depressed".
Tense: I can't tell if this is supposed to be in past or present tense. It seems to switch from one to the other.
Other than those issues (Which are mostly small), I really love this sketch! It's amazing; keep doing what you do!
(May 6, 2018 - 5:30 pm)