hey guys. A

Chatterbox: Inkwell

hey guys. A

hey guys. A nanowrimo intro here. I need some feedback.

ok, so it's kinda based on Grace Lin's fantasy and also Avatar(don't judge, it's awesome). Combined, it's the Chinese Five elements. I'm planning to call this series The Search for the Wang Force. This is the prologue for each of the five books. Of course, for the others it will be revised a bit, summarizing what happened before. Oh, and just a heads up, the narrator is a boy, age 14. So let me know what you think. Xièxiè

When I was young, I would sit by the feet of my grandfather as he told tales of old. I would listen with apprehension as he recreated epic battles, peppered with mystery, his face gleaming from the light of our fire. They were not the same versions I heard from others. No, these were filled with parts that no one but my grandfather knew. The real reason our five nations began fighting. The true meaning behind our language. The ledgend that Magistrate Lao gave to the five heroes, the Wang Force. I could close my eyes and see the scenes being replayed over and over, as if my own memories. One day, Grandfather became very sick. As he became worse, he called for me all the time. He would recite the stories almost desperately to me. I would nod along, hoping that he wasn't wasting all of his strength. This went on for five days. Then, on his deathbed, he called for me one last time. In barely a whisper, he instructed me, "Form the Wang Force. You must find the other four heroes. I know you can do it, for you are fire. No one can put out your flame." Now, this is why I am here. This is why I am searching for the four others of the Wang.

submitted by unsuspectingstrytllr
(September 12, 2017 - 5:48 pm)

back to the Inkwell

This sounds AWESOME! I really love all the descriptive words you use. Like "peppered" or "gleaming" or "barely a whisper".

submitted by KtG
(September 13, 2017 - 12:48 am)

Thank you! :) I am currently developing the characters, including Feng, the one who give the narrarator. I'm still deciding if I should write the rest of the story in first person, third person, or third person omnecent.

submitted by unsuspectingstrytllr
(September 13, 2017 - 10:37 am)

This seems to be really cool so far! Just a suggestion: maybe instead of having the main character (Feng, did you say his name was?) explain all of this, you could have him live it. Like, instead of saying, "As he became worse, he called for me all the time," you could say, " 'Feng!' called Grandfather weakly. I was instantly at his side. 'Yes, Grandfather,' I said. (or Feng said, or whatever point of view.)" and so on. Do you get what I mean? I can try to clarify more if this is confusing! And take note (or take wing, haha, like my book) that this is only a suggestion. By no means do you have to take it! It's just something I think would make the story flow better, and make it sound more professional (not that there's anything wrong with it now, it would just make it more professional in my opinion.) But remember, no matter what I or anyone else says, in the end, this is YOUR story. No one else's. Do what feels right to YOU.

~Starseeker 

submitted by Starseeker, age 156 moons, Enterprise
(September 13, 2017 - 4:50 pm)

Thank, Starseeker! BTW, your nanowrimo thingy is really good! 

submitted by unsuspectingstrytllr
(September 13, 2017 - 5:23 pm)