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TAKE WING!I
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TAKE WING!I
TAKE WING!
I know that several of you are on the NaNoWriMo Young Writers site. I wanted to share the story I'm writing on it with you all. (It's also on the Critiques and Novel Feedback" forum.) I know that you will never judge me or make fun of me. And I also know that even if nobody ever reads this story, I will have at least posted it here. I've also included a short section of it here, and a form from NaNo that tells you a little bit about it.
Length: 8,000 words so far, but more every day!
Language: English
Brief Summary: A teenage orphaned girl, Zoey, discovers her heroic destiny in a far-off land populated with dragons, Fae, unicorns, and so much more. But the more time she spends here, the more she realizes that not everything is as it seems. An evil is rising, and only she can stop it.
Known issues: Not everything makes as much sense on paper as it does in my head...
Critique would be much appreciated! While I do like all the "oh yeah it's great keep doing that", I also want honest feedback. If you think something could be improved upon, let me know!
This is an excerpt from the first chapter. There's also a prologue and several more chapters. If anyone posts that they're interested in reading the rest, I'll post it.
And the prince and the princess lived happily ever after. The End.
I sigh happily and close the book of fairy tales. I’ve always liked them. Fairy tales always end well-- even if my story doesn’t.
Case in point: middle school gym class.
I’ve been “excused” from “physical activity” because I’m, apparently, “malnourished”. That’s a fancy way of saying that all the rich parents of the rich kids at the oh-so-fancy Northbrook Academy don’t want me messing up their kids’ PE class.
I’m the charity case here at Northbrook, picked up out of the orphanage a year and a half ago. I’ve been here ever since. They want me here to show how “kind” and “generous” they are, by allowing a nobody like me to have an education as good as people like them.
Or so I’m told, only about, oh, one million or so times a day.
“Hey, charity case!” one of the other students calls as a ball rolls to a stop on the floor beside me. “Throw back the ball!”
I roll my eyes, and for a second I consider ignoring him, just out of spite.
“Fine,” I call back, and kick it vaguely in his direction. It lands at the feet of the most popular girl in the school, Shaina Wintermere. She cringes back.
“Eww! I don’t want to touch it now! The charity case touched it!” she shrieks. The class laughs, and some shoot me dirty looks-- apparently just for existing.
Shaina’s boyfriend, Justin Glendale, runs over to her.
“Kick it here,” he says, holding out his hands to catch it. The students are playing some sort of game that involves both kicking and catching.
Shaina half-heartedly nudges the ball with her toe, and he picks it up.
Justin nods at me. “Thanks,” he says, then runs back into the thick of the game.
I think the humid gym air must have muddled my malnourished brain. The most popular boy in school can’t have just looked at me, much less thanked me. I decide it’s a hallucination brought on by too many fairy tales.
By the time gym ends, I have re-read half the book of fairy tales, and the ball hasn’t rolled back over here once. When the bell rings and all the students pour out the door of the locker room, I stand up and stretch. My academy uniform-- a black pleated skirt, white collared top, and a blue tie-- is slightly too large for me, and it’s gotten all wrinkled from the folded position I’ve been in the last few hours.
I hear Shaina and her followers snicker as they pass me, their perfectly-fitting uniforms looking like they just came out of the bag. I tug self-consciously at my own uniform.
As I’m leaving the gym after the other kids, a hand lands on my shoulder. I whip around. It’s… Justin?
He falters when he sees my angry expression. That anger isn’t directed at him, exactly-- more like at Northbrook as a whole.
“I just wanted… to… um, to thank you, I guess,” he says, hesitating. “For, um, kicking that ball towards me.”
I snort. “You make it sound like some life-changing event. I kicked a ball. End of story. You’re welcome.”
Justin nods. “And, um…” Now he seems just flat-out uncomfortable. I raise an eyebrow.
“I’m sorry, I don’t think I know your name,” he blurts out, then stares at his shoes.
I shrug. “Charity case. That’s what all of you call me, isn’t it?”
I start walking away. I’ll be late if I stay talking much longer.
“I’m sorry about that,” he says, and I turn slightly over my shoulder.
“What?” I ask.
Justin looks up from his inspection of his shoes to meet my eyes. He takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry for calling you a charity case all this time. It was really mean.”
He sticks out his hand. “Justin,” he says.
“I know,” I say. “Zoey.”
Then I turn and walk away, to Ms. Muiller’s English-Language Arts class.
I hope that shows up correctly... it might not. Oh well.
~Starseeker
submitted by Starseeker, age 156 moons, Enterprise
(September 6, 2017 - 5:53 pm)
(September 6, 2017 - 5:53 pm)
Yeah, I love asking questions. :) And I'm glad I'm helping you!
(February 4, 2019 - 11:25 am)
Still in my ball clothes, I creep outside. A hand reaches out of the shadows to pull me in, and I almost scream, but then I realize it's Fehnein.
"Shhh," he says, putting a gentle finger to my lips. "There's been a slight change in plan. Lia, Sophna, and Zafre are going to meet us there-- it's just you, me, and Cisi making the journey. It's less suspicious this way."
I nod my assent, and he removes his finger from my lips. "Let's go," he whispers, taking my hand and standing. I follow him around the Nest, where bright lights and laughter are spilling out of the doors, and to the Talon. I frown.
"Why are we here?" I ask him as quietly as possible, even though there's no way anyone could have heard me from the Nest.
"Protection," he whispers back. "We have a little ways to go before we can meet up with the people who are going to help Cisi. We want to be protected in case of wild animals. It is nighttime, after all. You never know what could happen."
I nod. "Okay, I guess that makes sense. But all the weapons here are locked, remember?"
Fehnein grins slyly. "Not if you gave friends in high places," he says, pulling out two reverets. I gasp.
"Where'd you get those?" I say in surprise, but Fehnein puts his hand to his lips and makes a zipping motion.
"Sworn to secrecy," he says, winking. "I'll just be a second. Wait here."
I look up at the sky as he opens the little shed door that leads to the catacombs and hurries down the staircase. The stars are out tonight in abundance. Under their light, I reconsider what I'm doing. I'm running away-- when Sterling, and so many others, really want me to be here.
I'm doing it for Cisi, I remind myself. I'll be back before the sun rises tomorrow. Nobody will even have time to notice I'll be gone, and Cisi will be safe. That's all that matters, right? It's what friends do.
I hear footsteps, and Fehnein steps back out of the shed, holding two wrapped objects. "Got them," he says. "I didn't know what you liked so I grabbed you a bow and a couple of arrows."
"Oh, um, okay," I say, taking one of the bundles from him. He unwraps the other one and slips a straight-edges sword into a sheath on his back, then tucks a couple of daggers into his pockets.
"Ready?" he asks me, and I nod shakily. Everything looks so real now, with the bright starlight glinting off Fehnein's sword and illuminating the hard angles of his face.
Has he always looked this... cold? I wonder. He looks the same, but it's as if something's just... off about him. More threatening, or more capable, or something.
It's probably just my imagination, I reason. He's still Fehnein. He won't let anything happen to me.
"Ready," I echo, walking with him,
We reach the edge of the camp and pass through the shield with no difficulty. I look behind us, hoping for one last look at the Aerie, but... it's just a cliff face again. I sigh and turn back to Fehnein, not sure what I was expecting.
"Cisi's just over the hill," he says gently, noticing the way I turned back to look. "Then it's a mile or so before we get to the people who will help her."
I nod, and he takes my hand again as we walk over the hill. A solitary horse stands at the base of it, a single rider slumped on top. Cisi.
I run to her and she stirs, blinking her eyes. She seems wary for just a second, but then her eyes focus on me and she blinks again in recognition.
"Hey there," I say softly. "Ready to go?"
She nods, and I turn back to Fehnein. "Lead the way," I say, and he nods, looking away for a split second then back at me.
"As always," he says, and takes the rein of Cisi's horse, leading the docile creature forward. I fall into step beside him, and together, we walk into the night.
---
I'm happily surprised to find that my legs are barely aching by the time Fehnein announces we're almost there. All that training must have paid off.
"The people who are going to help Cisi are right over that hill," Fehnein continues. "Once we hand her off, then we can get going back to the Aerie."
Cisi stirs on the back of the horse, sitting up and yawning. She perks up at our surroundings. "Oh, we're here!" she says.
Fehnein frowns at her, but I'm already walking to the edge of the hill and looking over it. Fehnein joins me, pulling Cisi and the horse behind him. From my vantage point, I can see six horses, but only five people.
"C'mon, Fehnein, let's go meet them!" I say. "Gotta make sure they're good enough for our Cisi."
He nods, grinning. "They'd better be." Cisi snorts and tries to hide it as a cough.
The three of us walk down the hill, and one of the people looks up as we approach.
"They're here!" she calls to the others. They gather in front of their horses as we stop a couple of feet away.
"Fehnein and Zoey, right?" The woman says, stepping forward. She's maybe about 30 or so, lithe and fit, with brown hair and eyes.
Fehnein nods before I can speak. "And Cisi, too. Your patient."
The woman nods, smiling kindly. "We'll just take the girl then, and be on our way."
"Thank you," I say gratefully, helping Fehnein bring Cisi's horse forward. "We'd better be off as well, just to be sure no-one noticed we were gone."
I turn back to Fehnein, but he's levelled his sword at me.
"You're not going anywhere," he says.
(February 5, 2019 - 8:09 am)
No! Not another cliffhanger!!!
I find it kind of hard to believe that Fehnein would do such a thing when he seems so nice, but I'm sure there'll be a reason in the next chapter...
What exactly is a reveret? Grammarly seems to think it isn't a word, but probably you've mentioned it before and I just don't remember.
(February 5, 2019 - 11:45 am)
Ah, but cliffhangers are my specialty! :)
Yeah, you'll see in the upcoming chapter. Just as a question, who's your favourite character so far?
It most definitely isn't a word outside of my novel. Remember a couple'a episodes ago when Zoey was chilling in the catacombs with Feroc? He unlocked the shields over the weapons with a master reveret, which is like a master key. Reverets are fancy keys that unlock the fancy weapon shields.
~Starseeker
(February 5, 2019 - 2:44 pm)
I KNOW cliffhangers are your specialty, but that doesn't make me less pseudo-annoyed.
Oh, yeah, okay. (about the reverets...)
I feel obligated to say that Zoey is my favorite character because she's the main character, but I think I like Feroc more. I also liked whats-her-name who was Zoey's new roommate at the beginning, but as she disappeared after that, she can't really be my favorite.
(February 5, 2019 - 3:35 pm)
About the characters, me too! Zoey is and always will be my favourite character, but after all, she is the main character. Feroc is also my favourite character besides Zoey, and Kelsey (that's whats-her-name) is a close second because she's based off of someone I knew irl. (You'll be glad to know that Kelsey comes back. I think. Sequel.)
~Starseeker
(February 5, 2019 - 5:55 pm)
Ooh, Kelsey comes back? Great!
(February 5, 2019 - 7:28 pm)
What
This is amazing, as always! The ending caught me off guard, I wasn't expecting it! Now I'm dying to know what happens!
(February 6, 2019 - 3:22 pm)
Sorry for the late update, guys-- I had the day off and took the opportunity to do absolutely nothing! But I am starting some editing now. The edited novel should be different enough from what I've posted here that I might repost, but most of the major plot points will be the same, so I don't know. What are your guys' opinions? Should I post this novel again once I edit it? (Also, I decided to double today's update, so enjoy!)
~~~
"Fehnein?" I say cautiously. "What are you doing?"
"You can't go back," he says calmly. "You're coming with us."
"Us?" I say, nervous now. I glance at the other people, who have formed a tight ring around us and all have some sort of weapon aimed at me. Even Cisi, the one person I thought I could count on, has grabbed the bow and arrows I foolishly strapped to the saddle and is expertly pointing a nocked arrow at my forehead. I turn back to Fehnein.
"If you cooperate, it'll be a lot easier on all of us," he says gently, looking like the Fehnein I know. "No-one wants to hurt you."
I let out a bitter laugh, glancing around the circle again. "Could've fooled me."
Fehnein hesitates, then shakes his head. "Just-- come on, Zo. Please."
"No!" I shout. "Absolutely not. I've already gotten kidnapped once in my life-- and I most certainly do not plan on making that twice!"
"It's not up to you," Fehnein growls, and then something hard slams into the back of my head and everything goes dark.
I wake up as I'm being jostled against something. It's not an altogether unpleasant feeling; the object is not soft, exactly; but it's certainly not concrete. I open my eyes just enough to see the pattern of russet fur.
Horse fur. I'm on a horse.
I stir, wildly thinking that maybe, just maybe, I could commandeer the horse and get away, despite the fact that I've never ridden on a horse in my entire life. But as I try to turn my head, something behind me shifts. A person.
"She's awake," the person behind me calls, and I recognize the voice as the woman who had talked before, the one who pretended she was here for Cisi.
We'll just take the girl and go.
I shiver. They weren't talking about Cisi-- they were talking about me.
I hear a second horse come up beside ours, and then the rider speaks.
"Are you hurt?" Fehnein says. "Gil hit you harder than I ordered him to."
"I'm--fine," I say. "Fine as I could ever be." From my vantage point, body slung over a horse like a sack of potatoes, head thunking along its flank, I can't properly glare at him. But I think he gets the idea when I raise my hand and flash him a vulgar gesture.
"Harsh," the woman behind me mutters.
"You're the ones who kidnapped me," I mutter back. "Don't expect me to be grateful."
Fehnein barks a laugh. "No, I didn't think you would be. But you'll see. You'll be better off with the Renegades than with those guys."
"Renegades?" I ask, voice muffled as we go over a bump and my head knocks back into the horse's flank. "What are you, some sort of stupid rebellion?"
"We are not a stupid rebellion," Cisi pipes up stiffly as I hear a third horse approach. "We are the future."
"And, we are talking too much," a fourth voice says, gruff and deep. "Leave the demon-girl alone and get back to riding."
"Demon-girl?" I say indignantly. "I most certainly am not!"
"Am too," the woman behind me pipes up. "You ain't human, that's for sure. No human I've ever seen had golden blood."
I gasp, and the woman laughs. "I was the only one who would ride with you after that," she says, pinching my arm. "I ain't afraid of no demon, not one that looks like a little girl."
"After Gil hit you," Fehnein breaks in gently, "You hit your nose pretty hard on the ground. I think you broke it, actually. There was a bit of blood, and, well... the proof was undeniable. How's your nose feel, by the way? I imagine it can't feel too great after hanging upside down on a bouncing animal."
"I'm not a demon, though," I argue. "And it feels fine."
"You don't have to lie, Zoey," Fehnein says softly. "Just because we kidnapped you doesn't mean we're heartless. Here, I'll help you sit up and we can get you some quick medical attention."
The horse I'm on slows, and the sound of his horse's hoofbeats does too. Another pair of hands reaches around my waist, and the woman behind me helps Fehnein heave my body into a sitting position, straddling the horse. He takes my head in his hands, his sea colored eyes scanning my face for any sort of injury. I yank my head out of his grip but the woman behind me releases her grip on the reins to force my head back towards him. I thrash, almost falling off, but Fehnein catches me, gently putting me back on the horse. Then he takes a closer look at my nose, shakes his head, and looks again.
"Your nose..." he starts, but I shake my head.
"I know," I say. "It's healed, isn't it?"
He nods mutely, and the woman behind me takes an almost-imperceptible scootch backwards, away from me.
"You know?" he says, and this time, it's my turn to nod.
"Yeah. My first day here, I fell and cracked my head open. And I mean, wide open. I was up and walking again within a few hours."
His eyes fill with wonder. "So you truly are a demon," he breathes, but I shake my head.
"No! No, I am not a demon. I'm human."
"No, you're not," he says forcibly.
"Yes, I am," I say through clenched teeth. I don't even know why I'm fighting so hard. I just... need to believe in something, since everyone and everything I know seems to be crumbling to pieces around me.
"No, you're not," Fehnein repeats.
"Yes, I am!" I roar, lunging at him. He jerks backwards and this time I truly do fall off the horse.
I fall to the ground, landing painfully on my left arm, and hurriedly roll around the woman's horse's flailing hooves. Then I'm on my feet and sprinting down the path we've been riding on.
"Go after her!" I hear Fehnein shout, and I hear hurried hoofbeats behind me.
I can't outrun a horse, I realize grimly. But I sure can try.
~~~
~Starseeker
(February 8, 2019 - 11:01 pm)
Oooooooh...
Who are the Renegades, and do they have any similarity to Marissa Meyer's Renegades?
How long have they been planning this? Did they join the Renegades after they joined the Eagles or before? Was Cisi faking her fits?
Why isn't she advocating more for her being a special human, rather than just human? Clearly, they aren't going to believe that.
(Sorry about all the questions that you aren't going to answer because their answers are in the next portion)
Hm, I don't know if you should repost the novel. If you're changing the actual events, then probably yes, but if it's just word choice/editing/transitions, then probably not.
(February 9, 2019 - 12:23 pm)
*GASP* What if she's not a demon... She's an ANGEL??? That'd be cool.
(February 9, 2019 - 8:10 pm)
Wait, so if she's not the One, because you're getting rid of the prophecy, then why DOES she have golden blood?
(February 9, 2019 - 10:47 pm)
Whoa.
But see, I knew there was something fishy about Fehnein. I've never trusted him... I also had a lot of questions after reading all that, but Kitten asked most of them for me. XD
(February 10, 2019 - 10:33 pm)
Wow, lots of questions and some new readers! Yay! Okay, let me see what I can answer.
The Renegades are another rebel group, with less altruistic motives than the Eagles. I had this whole alternate ending to the next scene in which everything is explained, but as I said, it's an alternte ending. In editing, I'll do more explaining, but if y'all remind me I'll fully explain the Renegades after the next update. (No relation to Marissa Meyer's fabulous book, sadly.)
So, all of that stuff is explained in the alternate ending, so again, if you remind me I'll explain it all!
Mmm... she's in denial? Wait, has she already had her "oops I'm not a human and I need ot accept that" moment? I forget. Hmm. I'll check on that.
Although it would be cool for her to be a demon or an angel, alas, she is neither. (Although, angel is pretty close. Uh, that'll all be addressed in the final update and the sequel.)
In answer to the golden blood... *sweats nervously* ...magic? idk, honestly. I'll probably take that out too. The prophecy just doesn't work with where I want the story to go, and as some people have previously stated, the beginning of the book is pretty rambly. Long story short, when I first started writing this, this entire novel was supposed to be the setup for the sequel. Like, it was supposed to be 40 pages or so. But then things just kept happening, like the hero testing, and... an entire novel happened by mistake. So a lot of the rambly stuff-- the prophecy, the testing-- is all going to be taken out with editing soon.
Fehnein is pretty fishy, yeah. He wasn't a character that I ever had planned-- the entire Eagles are unplanned, actually-- but I liked the character development it took Zoey on! Something similar to his betrayal was planned, but it's further on in the story-- definitely in the sequel. I might post a teaser scene later.
Thanks again for all your questions, and I can't wait to answer more after the update tomorrow!
~Starseeker
(February 11, 2019 - 10:30 am)
I only read the beginning thing, but I LOOOOOOVE IT
Velia says mmrp. Mrrp!!! Saladdin from 39 Clues!
(February 11, 2019 - 9:04 pm)