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TAKE WING!I
TAKE WING!
I know that several of you are on the NaNoWriMo Young Writers site. I wanted to share the story I'm writing on it with you all. (It's also on the Critiques and Novel Feedback" forum.) I know that you will never judge me or make fun of me. And I also know that even if nobody ever reads this story, I will have at least posted it here. I've also included a short section of it here, and a form from NaNo that tells you a little bit about it.
Length: 8,000 words so far, but more every day!
Language: English
Brief Summary: A teenage orphaned girl, Zoey, discovers her heroic destiny in a far-off land populated with dragons, Fae, unicorns, and so much more. But the more time she spends here, the more she realizes that not everything is as it seems. An evil is rising, and only she can stop it.
Known issues: Not everything makes as much sense on paper as it does in my head...
Critique would be much appreciated! While I do like all the "oh yeah it's great keep doing that", I also want honest feedback. If you think something could be improved upon, let me know!
This is an excerpt from the first chapter. There's also a prologue and several more chapters. If anyone posts that they're interested in reading the rest, I'll post it.
And the prince and the princess lived happily ever after. The End.
I sigh happily and close the book of fairy tales. I’ve always liked them. Fairy tales always end well-- even if my story doesn’t.
Case in point: middle school gym class.
I’ve been “excused” from “physical activity” because I’m, apparently, “malnourished”. That’s a fancy way of saying that all the rich parents of the rich kids at the oh-so-fancy Northbrook Academy don’t want me messing up their kids’ PE class.
I’m the charity case here at Northbrook, picked up out of the orphanage a year and a half ago. I’ve been here ever since. They want me here to show how “kind” and “generous” they are, by allowing a nobody like me to have an education as good as people like them.
Or so I’m told, only about, oh, one million or so times a day.
“Hey, charity case!” one of the other students calls as a ball rolls to a stop on the floor beside me. “Throw back the ball!”
I roll my eyes, and for a second I consider ignoring him, just out of spite.
“Fine,” I call back, and kick it vaguely in his direction. It lands at the feet of the most popular girl in the school, Shaina Wintermere. She cringes back.
“Eww! I don’t want to touch it now! The charity case touched it!” she shrieks. The class laughs, and some shoot me dirty looks-- apparently just for existing.
Shaina’s boyfriend, Justin Glendale, runs over to her.
“Kick it here,” he says, holding out his hands to catch it. The students are playing some sort of game that involves both kicking and catching.
Shaina half-heartedly nudges the ball with her toe, and he picks it up.
Justin nods at me. “Thanks,” he says, then runs back into the thick of the game.
I think the humid gym air must have muddled my malnourished brain. The most popular boy in school can’t have just looked at me, much less thanked me. I decide it’s a hallucination brought on by too many fairy tales.
By the time gym ends, I have re-read half the book of fairy tales, and the ball hasn’t rolled back over here once. When the bell rings and all the students pour out the door of the locker room, I stand up and stretch. My academy uniform-- a black pleated skirt, white collared top, and a blue tie-- is slightly too large for me, and it’s gotten all wrinkled from the folded position I’ve been in the last few hours.
I hear Shaina and her followers snicker as they pass me, their perfectly-fitting uniforms looking like they just came out of the bag. I tug self-consciously at my own uniform.
As I’m leaving the gym after the other kids, a hand lands on my shoulder. I whip around. It’s… Justin?
He falters when he sees my angry expression. That anger isn’t directed at him, exactly-- more like at Northbrook as a whole.
“I just wanted… to… um, to thank you, I guess,” he says, hesitating. “For, um, kicking that ball towards me.”
I snort. “You make it sound like some life-changing event. I kicked a ball. End of story. You’re welcome.”
Justin nods. “And, um…” Now he seems just flat-out uncomfortable. I raise an eyebrow.
“I’m sorry, I don’t think I know your name,” he blurts out, then stares at his shoes.
I shrug. “Charity case. That’s what all of you call me, isn’t it?”
I start walking away. I’ll be late if I stay talking much longer.
“I’m sorry about that,” he says, and I turn slightly over my shoulder.
“What?” I ask.
Justin looks up from his inspection of his shoes to meet my eyes. He takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry for calling you a charity case all this time. It was really mean.”
He sticks out his hand. “Justin,” he says.
“I know,” I say. “Zoey.”
Then I turn and walk away, to Ms. Muiller’s English-Language Arts class.
I hope that shows up correctly... it might not. Oh well.
~Starseeker
submitted by Starseeker, age 156 moons, Enterprise
(September 6, 2017 - 5:53 pm)
(September 6, 2017 - 5:53 pm)
(January 14, 2019 - 9:53 am)
WOOOOOO! THIS IS BACK!!!!
(January 14, 2019 - 10:27 am)
Yeah, hopefully for good this time! It'll be a strain for sure, but I really hope I can do it. I'm going to post about a half-chapter every update, so a chapter a week.
~Starseeker
(January 14, 2019 - 5:07 pm)
Yayyyyy!!!
(January 14, 2019 - 4:11 pm)
I'm glad you're excited! I hope the story lives up to your expectations!
~Starseeker
(January 14, 2019 - 5:07 pm)
Tuesday Update!
It's only a summary, sorry, but it's what's happening between the last and next update.
~~~
Zoey helps the fledglings scrub pots and meets a new guy named Naugh (pronounced "Nog"). Fehnein shows up after cleaning is over and does some special handshake things with the fledglings. Fehnein and Zoey make up, and Fehnein promises to apologize to Feroc. Daily convocation training begins (sort of like team building to an extreme, done with your convocation) but the fledglings are excluded since they don't have a convocation. Instead, the fledglings show Zoey around camp, and Cisi reveals that she has a crush on Zafre. (He is clueless. All the guys are.) Zoey mentally plans to get them together. She later asks Feroc to help her plan a dance for when the fledglings graduate, so that Cisi can confess to Zoey. Feroc agrees to help her talk to Jasak and Sterling after lunch. (Feroc also gives her the nickname "Princess".) Zoey meets back up with the fledglings for lunch, and it's revealed that who gets to eat first is determined by who did best in convocation training that day. Since the fledglings can't participate, they always go last. Sterling calls Zoey up to the front of the line and introduces her to the Eagles, and allows the fledglings to go first in line that day. (Zoey also mentions to Sterling that the fledglings don't do anything during convocation training and Sterling promises to look into it.) Then Zoey and the fledglings go to a secluded spot and eat their lunch, and various convocations introduce themselves. First you meet the rest Celeise's convocation, Raze. Those characters were all created by me. (It's also revealed that Sofna/Diernor has a huge crush on Celeise-- remember her?). Zoey refuses to tell the fledglings about what she's planning (the ball) and so they all pretend to be zombies and chase her around. After they're done, another convocation comes up, this one Land. These characters were all CB created-- Licensed Bookworm made Gristelle, the leader; Shy Peacock (or Stardust now) made Klara and Vasilis, the stayman and defender; and Agent WInter made Zixuah, the archer. (This convocation is missing a Navigator.) Zixuah and Lia share a love of plants. Cisi loves baking. (Random stuff that people said during their conversations.) Gristelle leaves rather rudely, taking the convocation with her; but Fehnein isn't offended and says that's just how she is. He trained with them for a couple of months; he has been with the Eagles the longest out of all the current fledglings.
~~~
~Starseeker
(January 16, 2019 - 10:40 am)
Friday update! It's a little short, but it's the end of a chapter. Next update wil be a full one. I forgot to mention in the summary that the fledglings are eating sandwiches and the sandwiches get trampled by Gristelle's convocation.
~~~
Diernor, too, picks up his crushed and half-eaten sandwich.
“Gristelle trampled our sandwiches!” Cisi exclaims. “At least mine is fine, though.”
“It was probably us, chasing each other around,” Lia says logically, though a slight frown lingers on her face.
“On the bright side, half of us still have our sandwiches, so we can share,” Fehnein says. He gestures for all of us to sit down. “Zafre, would you mind sharing with Diernor? Cisi can share with Lia, and I can share with Zoey. It’s no biggie-- and it’s not like we haven’t gone with less before.”
The others murmur their agreement. Zafre breaks his sandwich into uneven pieces and offers Diernor the larger. Cisi hands her entire sandwich to Lia, who breaks it into two pieces that are so even it makes me wonder if she used a ruler. When I turn to Fehnein, though, he simply holds out the entire sandwich.
“I’m hopeless at spitting sandwiches,” he explains apologetically. “I thought we could each just take a couple bites?”
“Sure, okay,” I say. I take the sandwich from him and take a bite, then pass it back to him.
“So,” Fehnein says, accepting the sandwich. “About this big surprise?”
I groan. “Guys, I can’t tell you! Like I said, it’s a surprise. Don’t turn all souleater on me again. Just trust me, and wait a while, okay?”
“But I still don’t want to,” Cisi moans. “I don’t like waiting for surprises! C’mon, can’t you even give us a little hint?”
“Alright, fine,” I say. “One hint. And that’s it.”
I pause, considering. Fehnein takes a bite of the sandwich and passes it back to me. I take it and look at it. “We’ll need a lot of food for this surprise,” I say finally.
“That’s your hint??” Lia exclaims. “No! That’s a bad hint!”
“But it’s the only one I’m going to give!” I say back.
Cisi snatches my sandwich out of my hands. “I’m not giving this back until you give me a better hint,” she singsongs.
“Hey, that’s my sandwich too!” Fehnein calls.
I lean over him, trying to reach Cisi, who’s sitting to his left. But Cisi jumps up and goes to the other side of the circle, using Zafre and Diernor as cover.
“Not giving it baaaaaack,” she sings.
“No! Cisi!” I protest, standing up and laughing a little. “Give it back!” I try go around Fehnein but he catches one of my legs, effectively trapping me in place. “Fehnein!” I say. “You too?”
“I want to know!” he says. “Plus, if Cisi thinks I’m on her team, she might give me back my sandwich. And I’m hungry!”
I break free of Fehnein’s grip and follow Cisi, who’s darted away from the circle and is running backwards towards the corner of the building. “You can’t catch me!” she shouts gleefully.
“Cisi, watch out--!” I yell, seeing what’s behind her, but it’s too late. She slams into the figure coming around the corner. Both her and the figure fall to the ground.
“Cisi, are you okay?” I call, hurrying forward. I hear shifting from behind me and assume it’s the others following.
“Yeah, I’m okay,” she calls back. “But are you?” She turns to face the person who she bumped into, and who is now rubbing his left wrist. Her face pales.
“Oh my dewdrops, I’m so sorry!” she babbles, taking an involuntary scoot back. “I didn’t see you and I’m so sorry and it was an accident and--”
He raises a hand and offers a slight smile. “It’s okay. Your name is… Cisi, right?”
She nods frantically, still looking a little pale. “I know who you are,” she says. “Everyone does, Mr. Stayman, sir.”
Jasak-- for that’s the figure-- gives a short little laugh. “That’s a new one, I must admit. It’s just Jasak, though.”
“Alright, then, Jasak,” Cisi says. She stands up, and I walk forward and help Jasak up as well.
“That’s more like it,” he says with a grin. Then he turns back to me, dropping my hand as if he’s just remembered he’s holding it. “Feroc said you wanted to talk to me?”
I sigh. “Yeah. I did. But somebody said he’d help me out.”
Jasak laughs again, a longer, more genuine laugh this time. “Feroc scamped on you, didn’t he? For all his might in battle, he’s actually a coward when it comes to human relations. It took all of Save to get him to finally ask Ty out.”
“Really?” I say, echoing his laugh. “I wouldn’t have guessed. He seems so confident.”
“Oh, he is,” Jasak assures me. “Just not about people. But there’s no-one I’d rather have by my side on a hunt.”
“Oh! I should probably introduce my friends,” I say after a short pause. “I think you all know Jasak, but this is Zafre; Cisi, who you already met; Lia; Diernor; and--”
“Fehnein,” Fehnein cuts in, stepping up to my side and throwing an arm around my shoulders. “I’m Fehnein.”
It’s like a mask dropped over Jasak’s features. “We’ve met,” he says to me coldly. “This morning.”
“Ah-- right,” I say, glancing in between them nervously. So the tension hasn’t faded, then.
Suddenly, Fehnein’s grip on my shoulder seems possessive rather than friendly, and I slip out from under his arm. “Well,” I say with false cheer. “I’ll just go talk to Jasak over there, then. Be right back!”
I take Jasak’s arm and hurriedly pull him around the corner of the building. “What is wrong with you two?” I hiss as soon as we’re out of earshot. “You’re both nice. I don’t see why you can’t get along.”
“I don’t like him,” Jasak says, looking distastefully back at the fledglings. “He seems… I don’t know. But I don’t like him.”
“He’s actually very nice,” I argue. “And he’s going to apologize to Feroc for fighting with him.”
Jasak raises his hands in surrender. “I don’t want to fight with you, Zoey. If you like him, then I just want you to be happy.”
“Alright,” I say. “I actually wanted to talk about something else with you and Feroc, but I’ll go ahead since Feroc doesn’t seem to be coming. How would you feel about a dance for the graduation of the fledglings?”
Jasak ponders this, his brow wrinkling. “I suppose it could be a good idea,” he says slowly, “But I don’t see how we could ever pull it off, between training and games and everything. Sorry, Zoey, but I don’t think this’ll work out.”
“But, Jasak,” I argue. “It wouldn’t have to be now. It could be months and months from now-- we could work on it a little bit a day! You wouldn’t even have to do anything if you didn’t want to. I could do it all, maybe with Maylene’s help and Sterling’s help, and Feroc too, and--”
“No,” Jasak says, cutting me off. “That’s final.”
“Jasak!” I exclaim. “Why not?”
“They’re not ready,” he says, his voice like ice. “These fledglings-- they’re not ready. They’re bumbling around in combat training, smashing through the woods in stealth-- how can you think they’re ready?”
“I never said they were,” I say. “I said that when they’re ready, then we can hold the dance. Not before then!”
“Quite frankly,” Jasak hisses through his teeth, “From the rate these fledglings are going, that could be never!”
A stifled sob comes from behind me, and both Jasak and I turn. Cisi’s standing at the corner of the building. When she sees us looking, she spins on her heel and flees, holding her hands over her face.
“Cisi!” I call after her. I start to run but Jasak catches my arm.
“This conversation isn’t finished,” he snarls. It’s the angriest I’ve ever heard him sound.
“Yes. It is,” I snarl back and wrench my arm out of his grip. Then I turn and run after Cisi.
Jasak doesn’t follow.
~~~
~Starseeker
(January 18, 2019 - 3:23 pm)
HOWDY HI I JUST FINISHED MY NOVEL SO WHOOO SUPER EXCITED!!!! NOW I'M GOING TO GO BACK AND FILL IN ALL OF THE CHAPTERS I MISSED AS WELL AS EDIT AND REVISE... I JUST WANTED TO THANK ALL OF YOU FOR BEING HERE AND READING MY POSTS AND ENCOURAGING ME... IF NOT FOR YOU GUYS I WOULD HAVE GIVEN UP LONG AGO. <3 THANK YOU FOR BEING ON THIS JOURNEY WITH ME! I WILL SAY IN ADVANCE THAT THERE IS GOING TO BE AT LEAST ONE SEQUEL. AND I'M ALSO GOING TO SELF PUBLISH ONCE I FINISH MY EDITING PROCESS, SO I'LL IF ANYONE'S INTERESTED IN GETTING A COPY I'LL SEE IF I CAN SET SOMETHING UP. AGAIN, THANK YOU ALL SO, SO MUCH!!!
~STARSEEKER <3
(January 17, 2019 - 6:31 pm)
Aaaah, Star, CONGRATULATIONS!!! This is so exciting and I'm so happy for you! And yes, I'd definitely want a copy of this AMAZING book when you publish it! For self-publishing, there's a place called Blurb that people have recommended to me. If you don't have a specific self-publishing place in mind, I'd definitely suggest Blurb! And, again, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!
(January 17, 2019 - 11:04 pm)
Thanks, Cassandra! :D (Can I call you Cass? Cassie? Sandra? Do you want/like a nickname?) I was actually thinking of publishing on Blurb-- since I'm a member of the YWP NaNoWriMo, they offer discounts through April 2019. So I'd have to get everything edited by then! Eep! I'd love to think it's possible, but school keeps me really busy.
And that brings me to my next point: beta readers/editors. Does anyone want to help me edit? It would be a little easier to talk and edit through NaNo since it's a little faster and the system handles it a little better. I'd appreciate ny help anyone can give me, from looking at the grammar in one scene to the pacing throughout the entire book to doing an intense line by line critique. If you post a comment here or start a chat with me on our classroom on NaNo, we can talk about all the things you can help me with! Again, anything helps, no matter how small. <3
~Starseeker
(PS When I told my family that I finished my novel at dinner tonight, my dad said, "You're writing a novel?" XD)
(January 17, 2019 - 11:36 pm)
Yeah, you can call me whatever you want! In real life, I have a whole bunch of nicknames too. And haha about the dinner story--that totally sounds like something my dad would do. XD
(January 20, 2019 - 1:15 pm)
YAY!!! Star, that's awesome! Congratulations!!!!! I would DEFINITELY be interested in getting a copy, I absolutely love this story and your writing! I wish you the best of luck in your revising/editing!!! Also, I saw you mentioned wanting readers. I'd be more than happy to help edit, if you'd like!
As for the new chapter, I lovelovelove it! Lot's of tension between characters, and I like the further insight into their personalities! Another round of applause, I'm so happy for you!!!
(January 18, 2019 - 6:40 pm)
@Quill:
Ahhhh thank you!! As soon as I get my editing done, I'll work something out with publishing. Yeah, help editing would be incredible! Do you mind if we do it on the NaNo classroom though? Getting huge chunks of my novel can't be super easy for the Admins, and the NaNo system handles the formatting a little better than this one. But if that doesn't work for you, we can definitely work something out!
Thank you!!
~Starseeker
(January 19, 2019 - 9:15 pm)
Definitely, NaNo works! I check it regularly, so I'll keep an eye out!
(January 20, 2019 - 2:25 pm)
*le gasp*
Aw, their first argument. *ships it* *waits with bated breath for the next installment*
And I know I already told you once before, but congrats on finishing your novel!!
(January 18, 2019 - 6:00 pm)