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Hey all, I
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Hey all, I
Hey all,
I haven't posted on here in a long time, if ever, but I wrote this poem a while ago and I've been trying to figure out if it's any good. Please let me know what you think!
Oh, and I was thoroughly depressed when I wrote this one so, just to warn you, it's a little strange...
Slipping Away
i’m slipping away, disappearing
<!--break-->
life goes on like nothing’s wrong but all the while i’m vanishing like dust sucked into an endless vacuum
i’m watching my life from above, seeing things from a distance
my friends are dissolving into thin air, too busy too care
if they looked closer they might see I’m as thin as glass, a mere shadow in the sun
but they don’t see and I can’t tell them what they don’t want to know
I put on my mask each day, that horrid mask with a painted smile, fake laugh, fake life
how I wish I could live for real, be part of the world for just one minute
belong
instead I crumble like sand beaten by too many waves
the world spins and I watch, wishing I could have my old life back carefree,
happy
but inside I’m falling into an eternal void where time can’t reach
my responsibilities tower around me,
growing higher and higher
locking me in a prison so deep the light of day can’t reach
I cry to sleep
my friends think I’m perfect,
never catching when my mask falls, shattering into a million pieces and my heart shines through
barely visible in the waning light
soon to disappear forever
locked in a box where only I can see it
never to be hurt, happiness mere memory
just set asideso life can go on with no more pain
but all the while
I’m still slipping away
so yeah, let me know what you think...I'm open to anything. Thanks!
submitted by Anna B, age 15, CA
(May 1, 2009 - 6:17 pm)
(May 1, 2009 - 6:17 pm)
That's a great poem, but what's the <!--break--> thing about?
(May 1, 2009 - 11:41 pm)
I'm not really sure what the <!--break--> thing was...maybe the computer decided it'd be fun to slice my poem :)
(May 5, 2009 - 11:10 pm)
My initial impression is that that's good. Really good. And that if I knew you and you sent me that, I'd buy an airplane ticket and fly to see you and try to keep you from commiting suicide. Yeah, you were depressed. :) There's a poem.... somewhere..... by somebody.... that deals with that, the smile painted on, the stage laugh. If I can find it I'll let you know. I don't have any leads, though, so I probably won't. Again, that's good. I know that feeling, which helped, because I can connect to the poem. Good job!
-EH
(May 2, 2009 - 10:32 am)
That's a good poem, Anna. It is one of the more... depressing poems I've read recently, but if that's the way you felt at the time than it's good to get that out. Actually, writing the way you feel is what makes a lot of poems good. If you were to write about being happy and cheerful when you really feel sad, then the poem would tend to be less sincere. In any case, the poem was good. :)
(May 3, 2009 - 12:43 pm)
WOWOWOWWOW.
That was STUPENDOUS. I didn't find it depressing at ALL- that was one of the best poems I've ever read, in fact! I mean that, out of all the things written by professional writers, that was DEFINITELY one of the best. That was so well-written and easy to relate to; it was exquisite.
((Yes, I know that's sort of a misuse of "exquisite," but that's the best superlative that's coming to mind other than "divine," which would be REALLY out of place.))
AWESOME POEM!! :)
(May 4, 2009 - 4:43 pm)
Wow, I'm glad you guys like it!!!
So getting past the praise, is there anything you think I should improve...maybe not on this poem specifically, but in general?
peace out,
AB
(May 5, 2009 - 11:13 pm)
Nothing whatsoever.
(Sorry, that must be unhelpful. But seriously, I can think of nothing.)
(May 6, 2009 - 1:02 pm)
Hmmm... recommendation.... I'm not sure.... Ok, here's my one thought. Your ending actually seems a little weak. I'll think about what could be better and let you know if I think of anything. I don't even know why it seems weak, but I don't think it's the best ending to a poem that good - and when the ending is weak, it detracts from the whole poem. Do you know what I mean? Sorry, this is a little vague....
-EH
(May 6, 2009 - 1:56 pm)
Yeah, you're right. Hmmm...I'll have to think abou that. Thanks!
(May 8, 2009 - 7:40 pm)