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Chatterbox: Inkwell
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This is a little story I wrote, inspiration coming from this month's story contest. It won't make it on time for the deadline and it's about 200 words too long, so I'm just going to share it with you guys. Be honest and tell me what you all think.
Trouble!
"Kinaya,
would you like to do a small demonstration of your cello for the second
graders next week?" my music teacher asked me. I remember doing the
same thing for the second graders last year, and it was quite a
success. It was fun seeing the interested andfascinated looks at my cello whenever I showed them the different parts. Plus, it got kids interested in classical music.
So when I came home, I hit the ground running and began preparing a piece to perform. After tossing aside the very long and booring
pieces, I picked Star Spangled Banner. It was short and when I played
it for an audition for middle school orchestra, I made it into advanced
orchestra. So I assumed it as my "lucky piece".
Meanwhile, my 9 year old sister Sidrat
was working on a science project. Her class was raising crickets and
she won the draw to bring home her cricket. After my parents approved
of the keeping of the cricket, she brought home her new "pet". But Sidrat couldn't care less about her cricket. So while I practiced my cello, I'd take mini breaks and would feed the cricket.
Finally, the day of my performance came. I was very jittery and excited. Sidrat was home sick that day, so I decided to bring her cricket in my pocket. It was a stupid mistake I'd regret later.
No, the cricket wasn't disruptive during class, luckily. Because otherwise I'd have to throw it away and Sidrat
would lose her project. Actually, I actually forgot about the cricket.
My day was becoming too successful for me to really care. So when the
time came for me to perform my demonstration, my luck began to turn...
"Hello Kinaya,
thanks for coming!" my music teacher greeted me. "The second graders
are here and they are getting jittery and we should really get started."
I began to unpack and felt a tickle down my leg and then a chirp. What's going on? I asked myself. Remember, I forgot that I had a cricket in my pocket.
Once I finished preparing, my music teacher eagerly introduced me to
the children and then let me begin. As I put my bow on the string, I
felt another tickle on my leg and a chirp! All of the children laughed.
I had no idea what was going on. So I just shook my head and began Star
Spangled Banner.
It was hilarious because at every pause in the
song, the chirping noise returned! On beat, and on time! At first, it
caught me by surprise, but then the chirping actually felt like part of
the song! After I finished, a final tickle crawled down my leg. I began
to uncontrollably jolt as if I were having a seizure. The teacher
almost asked if I were okay, but the answer came out of the leg of my
pants. The cricket!
Now everyone was laughing! I was as well. How could I be so ignorant and forgetful! Oh well! I thought. It's definently a memorable moment! I
stood up, took a bow and began to pack up as the children gave me an
applause and laughter. Before the cricket could hop away, I snatched it
up.
I gave it a secret name too, Trouble.
submitted by Kinaya, age 12
(April 20, 2009 - 5:19 pm)
(April 20, 2009 - 5:19 pm)
Very funny, Kinaya! Is it a true story? Here are a couple of things I noticed:
1) You used the word "interested" twice in the first paragraph in consecutive sentences. I think it would read better if one of them was changed.
2) In the second paragraph, two of the four sentences are started with the word "so." It's used to start three or four other sentences throughout the story as well. I personally dislike this, although it may be simply my preference instead of breaking a grammar rule. I'm not sure.
3) Don't you need some kind of punctuation for "The Star Spangled Banner"? I don't remember if you use italics or quotes for songs, but you need something. [From Old Cricket: Titles of individual songs go in quotes. Titles of long works such as operas are set in italics: The Magic Flute.]
4) Your word choice is somewhat weak - your verbs are weak and you use words like "fun" and "very" that I personally dislike. I think the quality of your writing would skyrocket if you used stronger words.
5) In the last sentence of your third paragraph, you say, "So while I practiced my cello, I'd take mini breaks and would feed the cricket." You don't need the would before feed the cricket. You've already said that with the I'd.
6) In your last sentence, I would replace the comma with a dash or a colon, as in "I gave it a secret name too: Trouble."
I hope that you don't see this as rude - I'd only caught one or two of those when I started to post, but on consecutive readings I saw more things that I would change. I don't mean to criticize - well, yes I do, but only in the sense of a critique, not trying to make you feel bad. I think it's a great start on an interesting short story, and I hope that you won't take this the wrong way. It's so hard to communicate tone of voice over the internet. :P
-Emily
(April 20, 2009 - 8:05 pm)
Thanks for the input! I really appreciate your input. It was sloppily written. I hope I don't sound like I'm making up excuses, but I just wanted to get my ideas down. Thank you verrry much because this definently will help me become a better writer.
:D
(April 21, 2009 - 4:50 pm)
That was a very good story Kinaya. I was wondering though, is it a true story? Anyway it was great!
(April 21, 2009 - 4:54 pm)
Of course I don't think you're making excuses, Kinaya. Methinks everyone does that. Who says it has to be perfect when you put it down?
-Emily
(April 21, 2009 - 6:28 pm)