Here is a

Chatterbox: Inkwell

Here is a

Here is a new poem I wrote about a fish. I used a very different kind of rythm than what I usually write in. Tell me what you think!

 

I once saw a fish
with a tail and gills.
A flat nose.
Fins.
Frills.

His home was a wreck,
Could no longer float.
No front door.
Frigid
Boat.

At night he heard sounds
Like huge scary creaks.
Shaking in terror
Fish
Peaks.

Out through a crack
He sees nothing at all.
Vast, wide ocean.
Long.
Tall.

Lets out a sigh
Goes back to bed.
Nothing to fear.
Then,
overhead.

With a gigantic boom
The ship breaks in two.
Crashes down.
Kaaa-
Blooo.

Our fish was not harmed
By boards or ice.
Two homes now.
How
Nice.

submitted by Marie L., age 13, France
(April 20, 2009 - 1:12 pm)

back to the Inkwell

That's really good, Marie L! I liked it a lot. And cool, you live in France?

submitted by Mai, age Milwaukee, 12
(April 20, 2009 - 5:08 pm)

I like the stanza structure! 

submitted by Lena G, age 11
(April 20, 2009 - 5:33 pm)

Thank you. Smile I'm glad you liked it. I don't really like the second-to-last stanza, but I thought that the structure was very fun to write with.

 

- Marie

submitted by Marie L., age 13, France
(April 20, 2009 - 8:37 pm)

That's great! I love the rhythm!!!! You live in France? That's awesome! I've always wanted to go to France, and I almost did one time when I was in Germany, but we didn't have time :(:(:( Anyway, that poem is great!!!

submitted by Koffee
(April 20, 2009 - 9:05 pm)

Great! I love it! The last line of stanza 3 needs to be "peeks" not "peaks," and I would change the last two lines of the fourth stanza, but that's all. I love the last lines of the fifthe stanza - hilarious, for some reason. I think it's awesome! Great job, Marie!!

 

-Emily

submitted by Emily H., age 13, Sparks, NV
(April 20, 2009 - 9:57 pm)

Thank you, Emily. Your comment was very helpful! I'm glad you thought it was humorous. I find humor comes more naturally to me than more serious themes.

I'm actually not in France any more, I'm in the US right now, but I still say that I'm from France.

 

- Marie

submitted by Marie L., age 13, France
(April 20, 2009 - 11:33 pm)

Oooohhhhh, still that's cool!

submitted by Mai, age 12, Milwaukee
(April 21, 2009 - 4:44 pm)

I personally really liked it. The stanza structure was particularly neat. And if you didn't mean "peaks" to be "peeks," I wouldn't change it. In a poem, word choice can't be criticized. (No offense meant, Emily.)

I will admit I sort of didn't understand the basic idea, but in a poem that doesn't really matter. The way you strung the sometimes random-seeming words together was very appealing; I've never seen a poem written like that before.

Overall, excellent!

submitted by Mary W., age 11 and one, NJ
(April 21, 2009 - 5:13 pm)