A Letter to Aunt Bertha

Dear Aunt Bertha,

It is I, your darling niece Rebecca. I am writing you from a cornfield in Iowa. I am currently not sure where in Iowa I am, just that I am in a cornfield, and as there are so many of those here, I really don't see that it makes any difference which one I am currently residing in. Anyways, enough about me, how are you, dear Aunt Bertha? How is the zoo? I trust the dinosaurs are doing well. Have they eaten any tourists lately? And how's Sloppy? That sloth is a master thief. I've seen him steal from zoo goers with lightning speed! He's collected quite a treasure trove! But I didn't just write this letter to inquire after your carnivorous dinosaurs or your sneaky sloth. Postage stamps cost money you know! Here's what I wrote to ask about. 

Aunt Bertha, could I PLEASE have a job at your zoo? Pretty please with pumpkin jelly beans and sriracha sauce on top? You see, I'm quite broke. I was robbed. By a lawyer. HE claims it was legal, but I have my doubts. Unfortunately for me, the judge agreed with the lawyer, so now I'm penniless. I've tried to get a job at several places, but apparently nose rings and rainbow hair don't make a good impression. I need this work quite badly. There are MANY reasons why you should hire me for the job. Here are a few. 

I know all about animals. For instance, if an elephant turns pink it has catpox. When a parrot goes bald and starts singing "America the Beautiful" it means that a monsoon is coming. Monkeys love pbj. Hippos hate marmalade, but bears from darkest Peru love it. I have also had some experience caring for felines. I had two housecats, Betty and Bob, and I fed them four times a day and they were quite fat. I say they were fat because they were repossessed along with the house and almost all my possessions. I am hopefully waiting for your reply. (And a job)

Your broke niece,

Rebecca

My dearest niece,

It was good to hear from you again! I am very sorry to hear of your misfortune, and about the lawyer. Lawyers are like snakes; they are slippery and slimy and you don't know that they want to hurt you until you tread on them. You will be happy to know that Sloppy is doing quite well. We finally discovered the location of the treasure trove, and Sloppy's thieving days are over. As to the dinosaurs..... let's just say that I'm currently dealing with a lawsuit (and a few lawyers as well). Now, about the job.

I'm very sorry, but I just don't believe that you are quite qualified for this job. I looked it up, and apparently there is no such thing as catpox. Of course, the National Animals Guild (or N.A.G. for short) may be wrong, but I highly doubt that. Maybe your sources were incorrect. I have also never witnessed a monkey develop a craving for peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, and I have never heard any sort of patriotic song wafting from the parrot pens, although it is quite true that bears from darkest Peru do love a good marmalade sandwich. I would love to give you a job, but you know how the saying goes, zoos flow thicker than blood. I never got that. Well, I've got to go now. I hear a tourist screaming that their watch is missing. Probably Sloppy. Lovingly and regretfully yours,

Dear Aunt Bertha,

That's all right. I just found a job at a jelly bean factory. I'll be sure to send you some pumpkin ones. Your loving niece,

Rebecca