Chatterbox: Inkwell

I'd like some input on this story.

The Last Thread of Hope

Thump, thump, thump,
thump. My feet keep
a steady rhythm as I jog along the flat, dead ground. My bones are jarred with
each step, but I keep running. My stomach roars in hunger, as I haven’t eaten
in a week. I keep running. My body aches in everyplace, as I have not stopped
running for... how long?  Four days? I
have lost all sense of time, as I can no longer see the sky. I just see
grayness and gloom. But I don’t stop running. I never will. Not until I find
her.

The air is
filled with dust and reeks of decaying flesh. Lifeless bodies are strewn
everywhere. I managed to ignore them a long time ago. There is not a tree or
even a weed in sight. There is not a mouse or even a fly. There is no sign of
life anywhere. But I know deep inside of me, she is out there. Somewhere. I
will reach her even if I have to run to the ends of the earth.

My knees
buckle underneath me. I collapse to the ground. My breathing is shallow and
rapid. My heart is too fast. My head feels like it’s on fire. I slowly push
myself up with my hands. I have to reach her. I will reach her. No matter
what happens. I feel her inside of me, whispering. I can’t make out the words,
but I know it’s her. I know it’s my twin sister and I can’t let her go. She’s
calling to me from somewhere.

When I start
running again, scenes from my life flood me. Going on picnics with family and
friends. Watching movies. Swimming in the cool pond in the woods. Playing
baseball with my brother.  Lying on the
grass with my sister on those lazy, sticky summer days. I shut my eyes wanting
to block the flood. Wanting to forget, but to no avail.

When the
World War lll started everything changed. Our house was destroyed. We spent our
days at a warehouse with other families in fear. Bombs were dropped. Battles
were fought. People were killed. Humans didn’t realize they were destroying
earth and humankind. When they did, it was too late.

One day we
heard that the government was distributing food in another city. My mother and
father were wounded, and my brother was too small to go. Mona decided to go. I
tried going with her, but she wouldn’t let me. I’ll never forgive myself. The
day Mona left, the nuclear bombs dropped, destroying the whole country. So many
other countries were already annihilated, but I didn’t expect it here.

My parents
and brother died. I didn’t feel anything inside of me. I just felt like a
hollow, cold shell. I ran for days without stopping, following the voice. Grasping
that last thread of hope.  This might
sound like the delusions of a desperate girl who has lost her whole family. It
isn’t. I know she’s alive.

Suddenly,
a wave of nausea sweeps over me. I am bent down, my hands on my knees, retching
bile. There is not enough air in my lungs. I am slipping away from
consciousness, and I fall down to the ground.

When I
regain consciousness, I am staring at myself. Long face. Thin, wispy blond hair
that floats in the wind. Sparkling green eyes the color of the sea. High
cheekbones. “Mona,” I whisper hoarsely. Mona, my sister Mona, smiles that
bright smile of hers. Her smile can make you forget every horrible thing in the
world. “You okay now?” she asks softly. I nod, even though it shoots spikes of
pain through me. The tears finally come. I’ve been holding them in forever, but
I finally release them. “It’s going to be okay,” Mona whispers, brushing hair
away from my eyes. “We have each other now. It will be okay.”

I think of
everything I saw. The still bodies. The dust and ashes. The never-ending
grayness. The deadness. Things might not be okay, but it doesn’t matter.
Nothing does, except that I found her. I’ve grasped on to that last thread of
hope.

~

If you buggies could answer these questions, that'd be GREAT!!

1. Was the plot and character strong enough?

2. How did the story make you feel?

3. How is the ending? Should I change it?

Thanks so much, guys! Feel free to add any comments!

Good writing, Bookbug. I'll let other Chatterboxers give you more specific feedback because I have a stack of Cricket League stories waiting to be read.

Old Cricket