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RMS Humbug and
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RMS Humbug and
RMS Humbug and RMS Tiny Invite You To Their Maiden Voyages!
On September 22, a day that looks, smells, and tastes like any other day – which, for that matter, it probably is – an “ordinary” person much like yourself (maybe even yourself?) finds in the back of their cupboard a five-year-old mayonnaise jar. The nutrition facts label reads as follows:
Vitamin B12 – 2%
Vitamin Z564 – 26%
You, random but lucky person, are invited to the maiden voyages of the RMS Tiny and the RMS Humbug, two cruise ships belonging to the Ridiculous Management of Seagoers (RMS) Company! Isn't that awesome? It starts on October 10, so you have lots of time to pack! Isn't that even awesomer! And it's completely FREE*! Please RSVP by October 5. Anyone who wishes to join after October 5th but before October 10 has a lot less chance of making it onto the ship on time. Anyone attempting to board the ship after October 10 will find that the ship has already left, and I am afraid that under no circumstances can we pick up latecomers.
Cheesiness – 41%
Corniness - 22%
Good Old Random Humour – 5555555555%
Logic - (-111%)
Vitamin A+ - 4.67%
The person squints to read the fine print (the finest print they've ever seen) at the bottom of the label:
*This may or may not include certain expenses, including but not limited to: food, accommodation, extreme trauma counselors, staff, my new billion-dollar fridge, etc. NOTE: Some of these expenses may seem entirely unrelated to the subject at hand, but let me assure you that, when viewed from a holistic point of view, they are all completely necessary.
-Your Future Captain,
The Ominous
ANOTHER NOTE: Any complaints, questions, forwarded expenses, or wishes to sue may all be sent to John F.Q. and CaptainRead of the Cricket Chatterbox!
ANOTHER NOTE: We here at RMS Co. believe that there are two possible reasons why the Titanic sank. One is that it had such a huge, grand name that the sea serpents got angry and told the iceburgers to “let 'em have it broadside!”. Of course, as you all know, iceburgers don't have very good aim, so instead of “having it broadside”, the Titanic was rammed from the front, causing the deaths of millions. The other is that everyone thought it was unsinkable, and so we all jinxed it and of course it just had to sink after that. This is why we have built the RMS Tiny and the RMS Humbug. The former ship will be completely unsinkable because of its unassuming name, and the latter will be a test to see if we were right. The RMS Humbug has been equipped with all the sorts of things that superstitious sailors think contribute to the angering of sea serpents and the sinking of ships, and it will probably be sunk almost immediately.
AND ANOTHER NOTE: When everyone has boarded the RMS Tiny (no one will want to go on the RMS Humbug, we are certain), their names will inexplicably appear in Pandora's Fedora, owned by your captain, The Ominous (that's me!). A “murderer” will be drawn out of it, and the game will begin! From then on, those whose names are drawn out of Pandora's Fedora will “disappear”, unfortunate “victims” to the will of the hat.
YET ANOTHER TEDIOUS NOTE: This was inspired by T.O.N.'s Ski Lodge Murder Mysteries(TM), and we here at RMS Co. sincerely hope that it is different enough to avoid any copyright issues. To be sure of this, there is a rather severe plot twist that we can't tell you a single thing about. We will not use the Ski Lodge, nor any of the characters from it, and we will attempt to use our own style of writing, no matter how much we may be unconsciously influenced into doing otherwise because of the sheer awesomeness of the Ski Lodge. "Days" will be written whenever possible during the busy schedule of The Ominous, and you can hope to expect from one to three of them per week. Everyone who signs up may post their view of the "day," but please wait until you've read whatever The Ominous has written before doing so, and because of the severe yet unknowable plot twist, your memories will be wiped once you die, so there are unfortunately no ghosts. If you really want to, dreams or hallucinations are allowed.
The person snorts dismissively. “Some silly, outdated advertisement or conspiracy meant to get more people to eat mayonnaise! Well, it certainly didn't work very well...” They think, staring at the uneaten mayonnaise jar for a few seconds, and then throwing it over their shoulder into a garbage can and inadvertently causing a snowstorm in Italy.
DINGALING! DINGALING! The phone rings. You pick it up, wrenching your gaze from the scattered tea leaves in front of you that had just produced the story above. “Hello?”
“Good evening. This is Super Mayonnaise Incorporated, business partner with RMS Co. We have been looking through our records, and it has come to our inattention that the five-year-old mayonnaise jar you just now allegedly threw over your shoulder was never sold, stolen, or even brought into existence in the first place. It does not exist, and neither does your house, no matter how real it may appear. Furthermore, you do not exist. We deny everything, and have lawsuits in place to make sure you do not claim otherwise. In fact, I am talking to thin air right now, because you do not exist. Neither does your telephone. Goodbye, thin air, and thank you for your co-operation.”
Before you can speak, the line goes dead. Now thoroughly mystified, you decide to thwart reason and pack your bags to wherever it was that the ships were supposed to leave from. Not that there had been a location mentioned anywhere in the story your tea leaves just told you, but you still think you have an idea of where to go. You hope.
submitted by The Ominous, age unknown, mysterious
(September 22, 2014 - 7:25 pm)
(September 22, 2014 - 7:25 pm)
I am leaving this note for my dearest friend The Ominous in hopes that the next day will be posted soon.
(August 10, 2015 - 2:40 pm)
So, so sorry for the delay! There's no point in excuses, I've been busy doing other things and that's all there is to it. Day 10 is on it's way, but it's not done yet so here's another Minisode. A Larry Minisode...
Today was – Mmmppmhmhmhpphhmhmhpmm.
It seems that someone has gagged and muffed the RMS Tiny. Oh dear. I guess I'll have to bring in the news squad again. And because they're unlikely to tell you anything about what actually happened today, I'll call it a minisode and release the next Day as soon as possible. Now someone go get me a pair of earplugs, please. I absolutely can't bear Larry's over-cheerful and cheesy voice, or the other Larry's extremely up-beat weather report, or even the other Larry's happy-go-lucky attitude. Feel free to read this loudly and dramatically with over-enunciation and an irritatingly cheery voice.
- The Ominous
“Hello, and welcome to Rrrrr. Mmmm. Sssss. Tiny Nnneeeewwwwws!!!! I'm your host, Larry! The first topic of the day is the weather, with our lovely weather reporter, Larry! Then, we'll have a news update from our news updater, Larry, and then a special, high-definition video documentary from our field reporter, Larry! Is anybody confused yet? For all you kids at home, we are not the same person, just a lot of people named Larry! Isn't that an amazing conversation starter? Now, for – drumroll please – the weather! Over to you, Larry!”
“Hi everybody! I'm Larry! To be precise, I'm the weather reporter, Larry! Now, there's going to be a lot of rain here in the desert, a lot of sun up in the Arctic, and – oh goody cheesecake -- lots of strange weather everywhere! But that's nothing to worry about, because it's all due to a mysterious masked person with a very long neck – at least that's what we think he looks like, because this is all on the radio – who will probably make the weather normal again if we abide by his terms, which he outlined in a message that we shall now broadcast:”
*deep hypnotic voice speaks:*
“We have your weather held hostage! If you do not abide by my terms by the day after tomorrow, your weather will never see the light of day again! My terms are as follows: One, longer turtle necks! Two, taller elevators! And, last but not least, um.... what was it again?”
*a high, silky voice answers:*
“For unicorns to be recognized as citizens of the state, and all the legal mumbo-jumbo that goes with it! Also, we would like cotton candy to be available in all parks, playgrounds, and street corners in the country!”
“That's two things! I said last but not least, which means one thing! We only agreed to one thing at the revolutionary conference meeting!”
“But the Giraffe Revolution gets two requests! What makes us Assassin-Ninja-Unicorns less worthy than your revolution!? After all, I thought we were joining forces against the oppression of nonexistence and short elevators! It was an alliance to make the world a sweeter and pinker place!”
*here, Larry pauses the recording to say cheerily:* “At this point, we believe that the masked, long-necked person probably ripped off his mask so as to shout louder.”
“That is where you are mistaken! It was an alliance to make the world a taller and more revolutionary place!”
“Sweeter and pinker!”
“Taller and more revolutionary!”
“Sweeter and pinker!”
“Taller an--”
“Well, it seems that the recording device ran out of power at this point, but we can probably assume that the argument went on for much longer. So, listeners, what do you think? Should we abide by the terms of the Giraffe Revolution and Assassin-Ninja-Unicorns? Or should we ignore them, and enjoy the strange weather that will liven our days and make life so much more interesting for all of us? Please comment and tell us what you think! And that's the end of the weather report, so now over to Larry, our News Updater, who is going to update the news for us!”
“Hello? Is this thing on?” *taps mic* “Er, right then. Well, um, I've good news, and I've got good news. There's also some bad news, but we'll get to that later. First off: the good news. The Eiffel Tower has fallen down! Isn't that fun! The other good news is that nobody was hurt. And the bad news is that there isn't any bad news. Yes, unfortunately the world is just as dull and boring as ever, so – "
*a bunch of spectacular and amazingly interesting things happen all across the world all at once, just to prove Larry wrong, but he doesn't notice*
“ – so unfortunately the News Update is very short. It's over now. You can stop listening to the show now! Seriously, you should really turn off your radio at this point. You really want to keep listening? Really? Okay, well then I'll tell you who the murderer is, 'cause I've got nothing better to do...”
*alarms go off, yelling things like:*
Spoilers! Warning, DO NOT CONTINUE LISTENING! Warning! Stop it right now, Spoilers ahead!
*Larry turns off the alarms and continues speaking*
“What is it with you, are you trying to look for trouble or something? Didn't you listen to the alarms? Why haven't you stopped listening? Hasn't that given you enough warning! I TOLD YOU, Stop Listening Right Now, Or There Will Be Consequences! Well, if you're still here after that, then you asked for it. I want to say it anyways, so here it is: the murderer is --”
*alarms blare again:*
NO! Don't listen any more! Stop! Warning, Spoilers Ahead! Major Spoilers! Stop Listening Right Now!
*Larry stops the alarms and continues, sounding annoyed*
“Alright, if the alarms are going to keep being like that, I'll yell it at the top of my lungs! THE MURDERER IS –”
*the cheerful voice of the director, Larry, cuts in*
“I'm sorry Larry, we're out of time. Please tune in next time to find out this excruciatingly irritating secret THAT YOU SHOULDN'T WANT TO HEAR ANYWAYS! And now to the commercials!”
*singing*
Bud a beep boop! Beep boop bop! Sooo-da pop! Sooo-da pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Come! And eat! This sugary stuff! Beep a boop bop! Soooo-da pop! Even if! It rots your teeth! And deteriorates! Your braaaaain! Beep a dee bop! Soo-da pop! Pop pop pop! Don't listen! To your doc-torrr! Or even to! Your psychiatrist! Come and buy! Buy buy buy! Our sooooo-da pop! Beep a boop beep! So we can get! Riiiiiiiiiiiich!
*cymbals clash* *you turn off the radio, disgusted*
END OF MINISODE
(August 14, 2015 - 8:43 pm)
toppers, unite! we must save the RMS tiny from sinking to the depths of the chatterbox! All together now: TOP, ho!
(August 16, 2015 - 1:15 pm)
Top!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(August 23, 2015 - 5:28 pm)
Top!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(August 24, 2015 - 5:30 pm)
Top! Never die!
(August 28, 2015 - 7:48 am)
Top
(August 30, 2015 - 3:57 pm)
Top
(September 4, 2015 - 3:51 pm)
Oh my TOP! Just TOP the TOP off TOP TOP! Did you hear me?! I said TOP!!
(September 6, 2015 - 12:38 pm)
Top!- I read you loud and clear!.-Top! Top! -Operation Top is Go! Go! Go!.-Top! Top! Top!-Ready the guns!-Top! Top! Top! Top!-Fire!!!!!!!-TOP!!! TOP!!!!! TOP!!!! TOP!!! TOP!!!!!!
(September 9, 2015 - 5:36 pm)
Copy that, Cap'n. We are ready and in position! On your mark...FIRE!!
TOPOTPOTPOPTOTOPOTPOTPOTOTOT!
(September 18, 2015 - 6:09 am)
Top!!! Top!!! Glad to hear from you sergeant! - Top!!! Prepare for a second bout!!!- Top!!!!!!!!!!- What for it ......-Let's take this to the TOP soldiers :) - Top!!
(September 18, 2015 - 5:07 pm)
Top
(September 10, 2015 - 5:20 pm)
Top
(September 11, 2015 - 6:41 pm)
Top
(September 13, 2015 - 4:20 pm)