Hi, this is
Chatterbox: Inkwell
Hi, this is
Hi, this is Kake. I don't really know how I'm suppposed to do this but I would like some feedback on a story I have been working on. Also, I haven't yet come up with a title for it, any suggestions? Oh, and by the way...please, please, please don't copy my story! No one likes it when people copy their work!
The sun, streaming through my open window, clashes with my mirror and sends it's reflected rays into the darkness of my cluttered room. I squint through the thick frames of my glasses at the sudden brighness. As I gaze around at my piles and various heaps of books and clothing, I notice that the light touches everything....except for me. There is a stack of Emily Dickenson and Jane Austen novels blocking the way. GOOD!
I lazily climb down from my perch and I walk over to the window. Asi I step near it, the brightness engulfs my face. I quickly slam the window shut and I drape a makeshift curtain over it. This is very dangerous. Without the window open I won't be able to hear the busyness of the streets below, and without the noise I will be very vulnurable to daydreaming.
As I make my way back over to my perch, (the nest I made myself out of discarded blankets, scarves, and pillows), I catch a glimpse of a figure in the mirror. I move in closer so I can steady myself. First, I stare at my droopy profile. I have bunches of red pimples, some of which are shooting puss. Starting at the corners of my mouth, I have deep creases from frowning. Seeing them just makes me frown more which I'm sure angers them, so they just go on deepening their course. My lips are molded in a slight downward curve. They are pale and anything but full. My eyes are next. They are cold, and ugly, and gray. All they are is a swirling hurricane with a black middle. On my forehead are more of those stupid, red, swollen pimples. They are like volcanoes, as I squeeze one, it explodes in a flow of puss.
submitted by Kake, age 12, On a plate
(February 17, 2009 - 10:07 pm)
(February 17, 2009 - 10:07 pm)
I actually do believe you, because my friend and I play a telepathy game- I think of a fruit out of a list of 6 others, and Katelynn tries to guess it. We get it right the first try every time!
(February 25, 2009 - 5:29 pm)
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Koffee and I are REAL twins!!!!!!!!!! Koffee, how could you betray me like this???? I thought you were loyal to our twinship!!! But now I know the real you!!!
(February 25, 2009 - 7:03 pm)
Breathe, Kake! All that I meant was that we don't live in the same house like normal twins, just because we were separated at birth! I would never suggest that we were not real twins! OF COURSE WE ARE! *begins sobbing uncontrolably* PLEASE FORGIVE ME! If I'd known that you would have assumed the worst I wouldn't have said anything! I'm sooooooo sorry! *cries some more* *nose swells up and looks like an oversized lobster* *hides under a chair* *gets stuck* *screams*
(February 26, 2009 - 10:11 pm)
:):) Those were the good old days...
(February 26, 2009 - 7:33 pm)
I think that this is really good! I want to know though, where are you going to go with this next? What is going to happen to the girl?
(February 25, 2009 - 6:53 pm)
O.K., Kate, you said you wanted criticizing so here you go...
1.) You are very good at describing, but try to be a little more positive. Unless your charatcher is the antagonist. I mean, do you want to have your readers thinking you've got an ugly, self-concious girl on their hands?
2.) Again with the describing... a volcano of puss! Waaayyy too gross!
3.) Your character has to stop analyzing herself, and what's the story line anyway?
Hope this helps you with your story. Do you plan on getting it published? I want to get a story I am working on published, too.
(February 25, 2009 - 8:49 pm)
thanks for the feedback. Tne main character is not the antagonist. but, she pretty much hates herself and the rest of the world. And she is supposed to be negaive.
(April 18, 2009 - 11:03 am)