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Wanted: Constructive Crit
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Wanted: Constructive Crit
Wanted: Constructive Critisisim.
I have not really posted anything except for in the RRS and the RPS. So I started this in school and would really like some constructive critisism on it. Thanks!
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A beaten path, more of a trail really, stretched
before the tired, dusty traveler.
Stepping off the path, she sank to the mossy ground with a sigh. Pulling off her boots, she curled up under a
large oak tree, and drifted off to sleep.
As she slept, her dreams took a turn from the usual. She dreamt of wide, violent rivers, gentle
summer winds, cool, crisp autumn air, and the bright twinkling of millions of
stars. Such were her dreams. The nature of the earth filled her dreams and
soothed her tumultuous human mind. She
awoke, refreshed and calm, her eyes opened to the mystery of the world. Laying a hand on the rough, gnarled trunk of
the old oak, the source of her dreams, she started again on her journey.
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submitted by Phoenix, age 12, Ember
(February 15, 2009 - 3:38 pm)
(February 15, 2009 - 3:38 pm)
The description is GREAT. I really love it and feel like I'm there! But is it supposed to be a story or a poem? Because if it's a story beginning, I would try and convey more of what the story is going to be about in that first paragraph. Right now we only see a traveler dreaming and then starting on a journey, if you know what I mean. But don't give up on it! I think it has a lot of promise to be a great story.
(February 16, 2009 - 8:20 am)
Actually, I think it would work as a prologue. I don't know. What do you suggest?
(February 16, 2009 - 12:52 pm)
Oh, yes! It would make a really intriguing prologue, but such a good not a story beginning. Why? Well . . . when you bring in characters, give them a bit of background before they start doing things. Get your audience to know and feel for them first. Then they do things.
(February 19, 2009 - 8:38 pm)
I love the description. I do think it would work better as a prologue than as an actual part of the story. I have one small comment. To me, the jump from the first sentence to the second seems maybe a bit rushed -- you see the path, but then suddenly the traveler isn't even on the path anymore. A sentence along the lines of "Her boots, caked with dirt, had been plodding along this path for days, weeks. It took an effort to continue putting one foot in front of the other. Stepping off the path,......." or something to that effect. This could also sort of give the reader a time frame, too, as to whether the traveler has been walking on the path for an hour, a month, or days. Just a personal perception; you don't have to pay heed. You write very well, and I'm eager to know more about this traveler!
(February 16, 2009 - 7:19 pm)
Yeah . . . what she said! :)
(February 19, 2009 - 8:40 pm)
Wow. It's really great! I think it would work INSANELY well as a prologue, maybe to a book about how they're trying to discover the source of the tree's power, or maybe... I don't know. Or you could go with the traveller. Whatever!
(February 17, 2009 - 8:36 am)
With a little polishing, it would make a great poem/short story, too. I love it - violet rivers, magic coming from a gnarly oak (about my favorite kind of tree, btw). But I'm a little curious, personally, as to why this tree is emitting this weird power. Something like that pretty much has to have an interesting history.
(February 17, 2009 - 8:39 pm)
Yup, it would be amazing as a prolouge. just make sure you do develop a story, don't get so caught up in your poetic language (don't get me wrong, I love description,) that you don't have any sort of plot line or real characters. That's it.
(March 3, 2009 - 4:57 pm)