The big mystery:

Chatterbox: Inkwell

The big mystery:

The big mystery:

How do you guys like this?  I need feed back desperately!

I looked down, feeling ashamed.  I had just been caught taking our 'precious' gold to a enemy city.  My name is Yasmine Yotasha, and i live in a place where we try to steal gold from others. The person with the most gold can actually buy things.                                                                                                                  

My friend lives in our enemy city, and her family was desperately poor.  They had no food, and i had to help them.  I forced myself to look into my master's eyes.  "You have disobeyed us, and as punishment, you shall leave this city forever!"  I looked at my parents, who watched silently.  They didn't help; why should they?  The person who rules over you decides what you do, and my master was not particulary fond of my.  Ever since I had found out a secret about my master, he had hated me.  This was a perfect way to get rid of me.                                                                                                                      

I had to tell everybody about him, before it was to late.

How do you guys like it?  I desperately need help.  That is as much as i can think of!

submitted by horse rider, age 12, Saline, MI
(February 4, 2009 - 6:45 pm)

back to the Inkwell

Ok, so, I once heard the when you're writing a story, the thing you have to do is hook your readers as soon as possible, and wow, you sure did it.  When can I read more???  :D  Keep up the good work!!!!  :) :) :)

 

 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D  :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D  :D :D :D :D 

submitted by Laura M., age 15, Santa Rosa, Ca
(February 4, 2009 - 11:40 pm)

When I was reading it, I felt the first paragraph wasn't as suspensful as I prefer. It felt like you were just laying out the basic facts for me (as a reader) from the start, instead of making me wonder and keep reading to find out more. I do think that the story line is a good idea, but I personally would find it more enjoyable to be drawn in more before being told what's going on. If I were the writer, I would try starting right in the middle of a scene -- possibly with dialogue or something along those lines. I am anxious to find out the master's secret, however!

submitted by Allison P.
(February 11, 2009 - 6:27 pm)

OK. Horse Rider(you need to capitalize your name), Laughing you might want to elaorate on some things, like WHY people steal gold and other things.  Other than that, it is really good!  Keep writing!

submitted by Phoenix
(February 11, 2009 - 8:46 pm)