Do you lizards like to cry? Ok, no, that came out wrong. Do you.. take solace in crying? Bc I do, bc isn't that the natural thing to do when you're sad or angry or are just... feeling? You cry! It makes you feel better! But it feels like.. you're not supposed to cry. Which is kinda like you're not supposed to feel. And if you do, you either hold it in or you express it with words. Which, I'm all for expressing with words! Truly! Just, sometimes they're not the easiest tools to express with. Which, oc, doesn't mean that you shouldn't use them! But UGH what I'm trying to say is that sometimes I just need to cry but I can't bc if I cry everyone will know I'm not ok and then they'll ask if I'm ok which duh means they think I'm not or at least are uncertain which is nice and Ik they're just trying to help and care but it makes it so if I am ok then that makes me automatically not ok and if I'm not ok that makes me feel guilty for being not ok which is horrible (and if I tell them to stop them I'm ungrateful and they get offended and I feel guilty) bc why can't we be not ok? Even in society, in public? Why can't we be not ok and be ok with that and cry and just have ppl understand instead of trying to make us stop crying (which, maybe ppl being not ok makes others not ok, but still)? And even if ppl are not ok it's like there's a "right way" and a "wrong way" to be not ok and if you're the "wrong" way then you shouldn't be and ppl are telling us how to feel what we're feeling instead of just feeling.

And sometimes I can't control when I cry so sorry if I cry bc I have to eat... like, something I don't like or something! I know that there are people who have it SO MUCH worse than me! I know that I'm so so immensely lucky that I don't know! But still, we all have problems and they're all problems and the tears don't care how bad the problem is compared to another problem it's a problem! And so they fall! I didn't tell them to fall, so don't go blaming me for that! Don't make me feel guilty for crying about small things bc... and UGHHH I had a much better way of explaining this just a second before that doesn't sound so petty or whatever but my mom just turned on super loud music and it fled. Sorry all if that was offensive, I hope you know what I mean. And..

APPEARANCE IN SOCIETY!!! This makes me SO mad. Like, what?!? So, apparently you're supposed to look nice in public, and I understand that you should, like, not go around wearing wildly inappropriate things or whatever, but... *breathe*, society tells us we should stand out, not be afraid to be ourself, express our uniqueness. But also fit in. Bc society gets uncomfortable if you don't. Because society likes us all to be presentable. Society tells us to not care about what other ppl think, be you, but care about what society thinks. Because what society thinks is who you are, which is true, we all probably judge strangers on their appearance, but why? What you look like suddenly becomes everything we need to know about everyone, and that's it, and why are humans like this (including me)? I can't just go out to eat in a restaurant with messy hair (that's tied in a PONYTAIL, so it doesn't even look that messy), bc ppl will judge. I can't wear clothes with a weird color scheme (even though you bought me those clothes, you know I don't shop myself) bc even if they're comfy, they look crazy, and we're not supposed to be crazy. We're all supposed to be fine. It's easier if everyone's fine. The thing is, fine isn't human!

And peer pressure is not a thing I (thankfully!) have to deal with but also that's horrible.

And when we feel, we're supposed to feel specific things at specific times, and when we don't, especially when everyone else is, we're lying. We're lying. Because.. I feel guilty about not feeling guilty about this, but as y'all know. My dog passed away. A whole year now! It's crazy! He was our older brother, still is, my parent's first child, the sweetest cutest patientist loyalist loving biggest attention-seeking-to-the-point-of-maybe-a-bit-stalkerish-but-not-really-bc-he's-too-awesome thing ever. It still doesn't feel like he's gone. He's been with me literally my whole life. It's unreal. Not as in shock unreal, we knew it was coming a few years before it happened. Like, I know it's real, but that doesn't really... matter. Because he's still here in my mind, and heart, and yes, even an awesome once in my kinda lucid dreams, and that's all I need. He's not gone. Just gone. Oh that didn't make any sense at all sorry. Anyways, we all love him, and were so lucky to have been able to control when he passed, but when it happened.. my family was. In. TEARS. In tears. Me? I was calmly handing out tissues. I didn't even really feel that sad. I was like, welp, it's happened. Ig that's it. Oh well. And it's horrible that I put that "oh well" in there, pls don't judge, but... I think, well, we gave him the best life we could. We smothered him in love. But towards the end, he wasn't really enjoying it that much. We, we loved him, but.. at least I wasn't really enjoying it that much. I mean, I enjoyed him, I loved him, he's the best little big doggy ever and my whole heart belongs to him, but.. it was time. We knew it was coming and it was just time, for him and for us, and there's nothing you can do when that happens. He lived longer than his lifespan and.. life is about balance and his life then was just full of too much misery and would've keep getting worse from there so what needed to happen happened. I miss him. But I'm glad he doesn't have to suffer anymore. Ik, I'm horrible. But I don't want to feel horrible just bc of how I feel (and I actually don't, I don't want to feel like I should feel horrible actually if that makes sense, I don't want to feel like I should say I feel horrible), I can't control how I feel, and I don't want to lie about how I actually feel, bc, this is what I actually feel, stop telling me that it's fine to say how I'm actually feeling bc THIS IS HOW I'M ACTUALLY FEELING, not angry, all caps just for emphasis, and anyways Ik you just have my word for it, my word vs. your "knowledge", and you're you, so you trust yourself, but... yeah. And I actually don't feel angry about this whole paragraph right here... at all. I just wanted to say. I'm just letting ppl know. This is how it is and this is a fact and I don't feel misunderstood or anything, I just feel like.. this is how it is, and that's all. 

I'm not making sense at all sorry I'll stop this ranting now.

@Celine, I kind of get what you mean by crying. It feels like society is pressurizing you to suppress them, and it's not okay to cry unless you're a child. I mean, you see kids cry way more often than adults. I feel like that as an adult, there are probably more things to cry about, but society makes them suppress those feelings. Or they just suppress them because they don't want other people to ask if they are okay, like you said. Honestly, I think that people should just be there when others are crying, since a presence is probably better than reassurance or whatever.