I probably have an over developed sense of failure, and it doesn't help that I'm easily distracted by rabbit holes. So basically I often beat myself up and wonder why can't I be better and why is nothing happening no matter how hard I try etc. Imma go lay down for a bit now-

Top! :)

Hey, Joan. *hugs*

And now I'm going to take a deep breath, and confess.

Yeah, I've dealt with depression. I wanted to tell everyone at the reunion, but somehow I couldn't. Or didn't. I wrote out the words again and again, but never found the courage to click submit. To admit that I'm super flawed. I may have anxiety for all I know, as stress has played a huge role this last time.

And yes, I did write 'last time'. I think I've been through depression three times now. (At least) I say I think because I didn't realize it the first two times, but looking back I think so, and I've never been to the doctor for this. So I'm not officially diagnosed, but I'm 99% that this is the case.

I'm aware at this point that I need to take better care of my physical needs. If I do that, then my mental state is much better. Being social seems to be the key for me to get 'unstuck' as it were. If I hang out with my friends, it seems to stop a central negative thought which loops "Oh, I don't have any real friends, no one likes me, etc." I have also found that coloring and writing help. Writing is harder for me to do while depressed, but with coloring I have absolutely no judgment. Whatever I put on the paper is automatically right, if that makes sense. I don't let myself critique it. Tea helps. My mom makes me an Earl Grey half-caf mixture with lemonbalm every morning. Praying to God helps. Reading through Job has helped me learn about it in retrospect-these problems are not a judgment from God, but rather a test. And you won't fail the test. There's a passage in (I think) Romans about how God will never test you beyond the limit. And remember that your strength is really in God, not you.

I have talked to my parents about it, but only mostly because they noticed that I was doing super, uber bad last time. I haven't really talked to them about the whys because sometimes those whys are too awkward. I know I should just tell them, but I've been so private that I'm having a hard time bridging that gap between talking about my geeky stuff to talking about emotional needs & wants.

I haven't really accepted it, but I think I'm close. I'm fairly certain that I'm going to be very susceptible to depression for the rest of my life, and that's a thought that scares me a little. I think I just need to understand that I'm not quite as capable as I'd like to think, and I need friends who support.

Thank you for posting this thread, Joan. I know that took a lot of courage. Especially as I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to press the submit button. I'll continue praying for you. I hope that my semi-rant was helpful, and please, please, let your parents know if they don't already. 

And thank you to anyone who read this semi-rant. <3 

God loves you all. 

Before I say anything I just want to say thank you for posting this Joan, and for anyone here I just want to give encouragement. All of ya'll are such amazing people and don't deserve any of this.

Me on the other hand though... I don't even know when to trust myself anymore. I was almost normal and then all of this sudden I'm worse than before. I'm so mad that I can't just move on. I'm so mad that I don't have the courage to really open up about it. I'm so mad that if my friends ever see any part of this side of me all this sudden I pull back. I've only truly said what I actually thought once, and then as soon as I realized that I pulled back and covered it all up again. I hate how weak and cowardly and fake I feel. Also, my health is awful.

To everyone, thank you for your time. 

Sorry my post kind of just jumbled around, there's just a lot going on right now.

Top

Hey. Guys, I’m here. If anyone ever needs to rant I’m on nano, dm me, I won’t judge. I have no right to.

First of all, yes, healthy coping methods. I am...not the best at these. Just ask Vi, lol. It helps to have friends you can open up to. Even if it’s just small things at first, your family and friends love you and they only want the best. Therapy helps. If you talk. (My therapists hate me for heh Things You Shouldn’t Do In A Therapy Session Or Ever so they won’t judge any of you guys) Visiting a professional will help. It will help you accept that this is you, this is part of you, and it’s something you will have to control your whole life. But it gets better, my loves. With time you will get better. You might have your off weeks but, doesn’t everyone? We’re all down sometimes, and we’re all happy sometimes. It’s part of life. As Cho said, writing and coloring helps. Word vomiting everything in your mind helps, even if it’s just for you and you never tell anyone. Finding your passion in life and putting all of your strength and focus into that will take your mind off things and the adrenaline it gives you will make you feel better. Don’t ever judge yourself on said passion, you only strive to be better then you were, nothing else. Maybe you messed up a little there but that’s ok, keep going, keep practicing. Keep doing what you love. That’s a very important thing to remember when you’re depressed. When your depressed you often loose sight of what’s important to you and who you’re important too, which is more people then you would think. Doodling helps. Drawing lines on ur hands helps, or anywhere on your body. Grab a fidget or something to do whenever you get negitive thoughts or feel terrible. Eat something. Txt a friend. Go on a walk, enjoy the senery around your neighborhood or place you live: listen to the birds or the dogs barking and remember that you are not alone.

Depression and anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of. 1 of 4 will get depression in their life times. Both of these mental illnesses can be controlled and they will go away, on their own with time or with the help of a therapist right away. Mental illness is nothing anyone should be ashamed of. Many many many people suffer from these, and they should not be treated any differently then physical illnesses. It is very important to remeber that you are you and that’s an amazing thing and nothing that anyone should put you down for. Life is a marvelous thing, enjoy it while you can. Live every day to the fullest. Be who you want to be, not who others make you or precive you as.

Stay safe, be yourselves, i love all of you guys!!!! 

Hey, Joan.

I am so sorry that you’re going through that.

I have anxiety, depression, and am dealing with the aftermath of emotionally abusive relationships. 

I still very much struggle with my mental health, especially with my self esteem. I think for me, one thing that works sometimes is knowing that it’s ok to need help. It’s ok to rely on people. It’s ok to not be ok. You don’t have to be happy all the time; in fact, it’s unhealthy to be.

I’m currently in counseling and on meds, and, although i dreaded it for the first few months, counseling has really helped. Talking to someone who won’t put up with you talking about yourself badly, and instead asking why you think that way, really helps.  

Everyone’s experience is different, so don’t feel like you need to fit in a “box” or anything.

Your struggles and experiences are valid. You are valid. 

You are a beautiful human being, no matter what you’re going through. I dearly hope that things get better for you.

Thank you for sharing this with us, and i hope this helped even a bit.

have a great day/night :)

-Rory