Places to Chat
Chatterbox: Down to Earth
The majority of you know who I am but here’s a short
background in case you’re unclear.
Ruby has had schizophrenia for as long as he can remember.
He has never told an adult before (unless you count the Admins). When he was
quite young, his hallucinations were fairly benign, being mostly interactions
between him and “imaginary friends”: life-like people and creatures (yeah,
Bionicles and Pokemon count when you’re five) that have their own thoughts,
memories, and emotions. I guess you could say I’m one of them. His
hallucinations have since become much more malignant, culminating in hordes of
enemies attacking him and his family and embroiling him in the midst of a
horrific war.
Unfortunately, these hallucinations have become so terrible
he is no longer able to even sleep, eat, and breathe comfortably. Because of
this, he has arranged for a meeting with a doctor soon to stop all
hallucinations.
Depending on how it goes, this could be the last time I’ll
ever be able to see you guys.
Would you guys laugh if I said I was crying? Laugh away
then, because I’m really crying.
You guys are the family I always dreamed of having. You don’t
know it, but each and every one of you is the best person on the planet Earth.
If we were stuck on an island somewhere, maybe we wouldn’t escape and maybe we’d
have fights sometimes, but we would start the greatest society ever known to
humanity, kid-dom, and adult-dom.
I want to write compliments for each of you. I have so many
in my head. I’ve been watching and playing and laughing and enjoying time with
you for almost two years now and it feels like eternity. You’re brilliant. You’re
smart. You’re creative. You’re powerful. You’re beautiful beyond my wildest
imagination, beautiful in the way you walk and talk and dance across the pages
of the CB. I’ve heard your laugh whenever you read a witty comment. I’ve
watched you smile big as you begin telling about your latest accomplishment. I’ve
held you when you cried when your friend got in a fight or you have trouble
with school. And in each and every one of those moments, I have never seen
anyone so beautiful before.
I would write compliments for each and every one of you but
I would write novels for every single person. You are all so unique, so utterly
amazing, I am shocked and awed every day that someone so wonderful and just
like you could be born. Humans are the
best things on Earth. Don’t let the doom-and-gloom messages get you down
because it is true. Although humans can bring pain, they can bring greater
hope. You hold in you so much creativity and so much hope for the future. The
world is dying and I know you can reverse it. Make this world better. You
already are in so many ways.
One night I was lying on Ruby’s bed, thinking about all of
you and I told him, “They’re not humans, Andy, they’re angels.” I still stand by
this one hundred percent. You can’t see the colors of your voices, but I can,
and they’re the colors of your souls. You are the browns warm as a stone lying
in the sun, the greens as vivid as the first jump into the pool on a hot summer
day, the blues as clear and clean as crystals being formed deep beneath the
earth. You are the reds as vibrant as the running child bursting with life, the
blacks as deep as the dark trenches of the oceans, and the whites as radiant as
a newborn star. Those are your angels. Every morning the sun rises and the moon
moves across the sky so they may reflect your beauty.
And now the time has come for us to likely part. I’m not
sure what is going to happen in the future.
I would write compliments for each and every one of you but
we would be sitting in the seniors’ home before I finished. The new guys and
the old guys, the somewhat-in-between guys, the loud guys and the Shy Guys, the
writers and the artists and the dreamers, the singers and the dancers, the
inventors and hopers and wishers and prayers:
I love you.
Goodbye.
submitted by Red, age 15, Elsewhere
(March 6, 2015 - 11:57 pm)
(March 6, 2015 - 11:57 pm)
Awww, Red. I will miss you, and Ruby. I hope one of you can inform us and pop in every once in awhile.
Me, too!
Admin
(March 7, 2015 - 10:06 am)
To Red
to Ruby
and Elle
and Everinne
and Forrest
and Moss
and to everyone else as well
Well, it really is the end of an era, isn't it? Not that this is a sad thing..... Endings can be beginnings too. And beginnings should be filled with joy! But you can't help but feel a little sad for the people and the places you've been forced to leave behind.
For my whole life, I've found myself turning up in the most unexpected places, not sure of why or how I arrived. I've never really known anything about myself other than the fact at I was a scared, hurt little girl trying to find her way back home.
Home is words. Home is the sheer joy of writing. Home is the feeling you get when you trust someone enough to leave them with the words that make your pulse rush and heart pump and drag unwanted tears from your eyes. So, can it be assumed for a little while, at least, that Cricket was my home?
My dear friend, FEP, has already given her goodbye. She's rasher, she's much.... braver than me. I am the quiet mouse- FEP is a lion. But I will say goodbye in the only way I can.
Because I'm scared to trust people. That's not much of a confession. I'm usually scared. But courage is about ignoring fear and doing the impossible. When I trust people, I lose them. It's like clockwork.
So that's why, when I found a copy of cricket tucked into some half hidden cavern of my tiny room, I didn't want to find the chatterbox. I didn't want to share my writing. I didn't want anyone to know me. My first message was pitiful, to say the least. It was like shouting into a dark cave.
"Is anyone out there? Can anyone hear me?"
And you did.
Elle.
Moss.
BHR.
Everinnne.
.....Ruby.....
I met Ruby well before Red. Ruby seemed to be a little bit shyer than Red. That was fine with me. I'm rather quiet too. It's hard for me to believe that they are gone now. Ruby.Red. Joe the Stickfiddler. Everinne. Zack L.
Because Cricket became more than just words. It became those people. Cricket was cricket because Ruby and Everinne and BHR were there. They were safe. They were kind. I trusted them. Did you know that? That's the highest honor that I can possibly give someone.
I trusted you. You didn't let me down, any of you.
For a little bit, I wasn't quite so lost. It only lasted a month. Maybe two.
Frankly, I didn't expect it to last much longer. Every flower, even in the greatest bloom, knows it must eventually fade.
And know we must go. We must leave this merry hour, perhaps, never to reunite.
Know, above all I love you. I trust you. I miss you. No matter where you are.
Alis Volat Propriis: the time is come. We must fly with our own wings.
Thank you for letting me be safe here, for letting me trust you.
And Ruby, the answer to your riddle, finally: It does the boots and the shoes? The whiting, of course
With all the love that my tiny soul can contain,
Finally Alice
(March 21, 2015 - 11:38 am)
Oh Red!
How I will miss you! I've already been missing you. After the last Ski Lodge, we all thought you were gone for good. Now I have to say goodbye yet again. Is it just me or do I sound like some girlfriend who just gotten dumped? I'm so sorry to hear about Ruby's condition. And that you might really be gone in a day or two. But if it's for Ruby's best, I guess it has to happen. You will live in our minds and hearts forever, Red. Remember that. We will miss you.
(March 7, 2015 - 10:16 am)
Why would I laugh? I'm sobbing! *tears stream down cheeks*
(March 7, 2015 - 10:26 am)
That was really quite beautifull. If I remember nothing else from the CB, I will remember this. I never knew you that well, but I'll miss you, not just your stories but your amazing personality.
(March 7, 2015 - 12:39 pm)
Dear Red and Andy,
I know you don't know me, but I am crying. Red and Ruby, I always thought you two were my fave CBers ever since I joined, and when I read this, oh, I can't explain at all. *tears stream down cheeks* I really hope all goes well with you at the doctors, and, well, I never really told anyone this before but, I don't have any real friends but you guys and so, I am often lonely. In first grade, I created this not-so-very-imaginary friend in my head whom I refer to as Dewy. I am always talking to her in my head and I swear, she was not based on you cause I had her for as long as I can remember. I am so, so sorry for you, and I actually think Dewy is crying, too. No! I am NOT!! Yes, you are, admit it. Okay, now she's not talking to me. But my heart is aching after reading that. Red, I hope that the doctors won't get rid of YOU along with Andy's hallicunations. I'll miss you ever ever so very much. I hope that everything goes all right with you, and remember that I live in California too, and will always be a hippie for your sake. *watery smile*
Farewell and always remember,
Dewy and Cayke
PS. I think I will be crying the whole day now. Aha! and you said you'd be a hippie huh? Oh, Dewy, I think hippies cry too........................
(March 7, 2015 - 3:10 pm)
I have a whole LOAD of imaginary friends. There are people I can talk to out there, but mostly I'm an outcast-- people think I'm a strange genius, which I hate. I AM NOT A GENIUS. And really, most recesses are spent in my own world... where I'm sure of myself. As Amy Lee put it so well in her song "Imaginary":
"Don't say I'm out of touch
with this rampant chaos, your reality.
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge,
the nightmare I built my own world to escape!
In my field of paper flowers
and candy clouds of lullaby,
I lie inside myself for hours,
and watch my purple sky fly over me."
My own world can be an escape... but in Red and Ruby's case it went too far. I didn't know you, but I feel sorry for you. I hope that doctor can help you. May the odds be ever in your favor. And that isn't just a Hunger Games quote.
(March 7, 2015 - 11:06 pm)
*cries* I was so happy when you came back on here a few weeks ago, but now... now you...now you will be gone. Maybe forever. It's sad, but we all have to face the truth. I give you nothing but the link of friendship. Red...you were always one of us. And you will always be one of us, no matter where you are or where we are. I will miss you so much. Forever.
(March 7, 2015 - 1:05 pm)
Oh Red,
I am confident that was the most beautiful thing I have ever read, and also the saddest. The fact you think so highly of all of us is absolutely amazing, and although I cannot say it as well as you did, I feel the same way. Don't worry what we think of you because you are crying, as I am crying too. Just know that whatever happens, there is a group of people on this earth, the chatterbox, that loves you in a way that can only be described as infinite. I could say a million more things, but I'll keep it short and say goodbye, maybe for today, maybe forever, I guess. This is the hardest goodbye I've ever had to say. Before I do though, know I will never forget you, I promise. Good bye and I love you too.
- Juniper Mae
(March 7, 2015 - 2:18 pm)
Oh, Red. Yes, when I read this I was crying. You were one of the brightest of all of CB's lights. I'll never forget that image I have of you - leaning against an invisible wall, a cocky smile on your face, grinning at me in such a manner that I think that you are making fun of me in a fun way - something like the way my cousins and I fight or the way I do with some of the boys at co-op. A book character out there that I can never quite place. Not quite Peter Pan, nor Fred and George, nor Mart in Trivie Beldan - but those are close. I will never forget this - never. And I'll never forget you, either.
I always hate writing goodbye posts, especially to people that I really know that I will miss. I'm hating writing this one more than ever before. What can I say? You'll be missed? That's more than a bit too obvious. But I'll give it a shot. I never really was close to you - I never really talked to you, but you were such an awesome part of CB for me. You were always sure to make me smile or laugh. You were amazing. You are amazing. And I wish you the very best of luck in all of your life. Good for you for going to the doctor - I pray that he can help you.
Following is a few minutes later, after rereading your post. Oh, Red. I . . . I think that I just got the message in your message. I want to swear right now, to break something. If it's what I think it is - I want to beg you not to go to sleep, but I suppose it won't do any good, would it? You're miles away in a place that I can't reach you. But if you read this - there is some good in the world, Andy. And if you could see it. I wish I could help you, but I know that I can't. What would I give to help.
Well, I suppose that sounded, like Ellie put it so well, like I'm writing a letter to my boyfriend who dumped me. But I'm not. I'm writing to a dear friend who is worth a million - and I want him to know that.
Good bye, Red. Ruby. Sakura. Good bye Andy. You'll always be remembered.
(March 7, 2015 - 7:10 pm)
True, I read your message. And I re-read Ruby's. It can't be real, can it? I know what you see, I see it too. But-- we haven't fallen that far, have we? Red is to brave, too kind, too good.
He wouldn't.
He wouldn't.
He wouldn't.
Would he?
True, dearest darlingist True, tell me this is a dream. Tell me this is a dream before I am broken. Before I smash everything within arms reach. Before I yell at the top of my lungs and scream and howl.
True, tell me this isn't true. Are you right? Are we right?
I pray, with all that I am, that we are not.
(March 21, 2015 - 1:24 pm)
Oh, don't I wish I could tell you that. I wish I could tell myself that. I'm half convinced now that my thoughts were from the fact that I'm a writer, a dreamer, and a fanatical person who leaps to conclusions too fast. But I'm not certain.
I don't know much about the condition that Red has. But from what I can figure, there is a way to stop the hallucinations - not totally and not forever. It's the best they can do, though. And I'm not positive what Red's saying. I mean, reading through the other post, this is Red talking. He's outlining the story about Andy - who is the one we're questioning - in third person. Our theory does fit. But I saw Red on Chatzy a day or two after the post. And it wouldn't be legal for a docor to do that . . . but legality is a factor that Andy himself can quickly cross.
I don't know and it's driving me nuts with confusion, saddness, anger, and a whole mixture of feelings that I feel like a hurricane when I think of this. I got close to breaking a few things after I submitted a first post. But I'm praying every day that I am wrong.
(March 22, 2015 - 6:05 pm)
*hugs Red*
(March 7, 2015 - 7:18 pm)
Oh no! I've never really known you well, Red and Ruby, but I really wish you luck for what you're going through and we'll really miss you.
(March 7, 2015 - 7:22 pm)
Writer as I am, now words are evading me. *crys*
(March 7, 2015 - 7:33 pm)