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My SecretBec
My Secret
Because I am feeling foolish and strangely courageous.
I am a schizophrenic, not a mass murderer. Sorry. I liked that idea, though. It made me laugh, more or less evilly. So, what's up with me?
-I used to believe that I was an incredibly powerful magical being that was trying to well, destroy the world. More or less. It's a long story. Essentially, I'm in a war with four other beings which the majority of the people in this world are unaware of.
-I can jump into different worlds like Catherine does in the Superhero RP (but I don't need the actual book or story to jump into it). The majority of my friends live in other worlds. I seek them to suck their power. Um, yeah. That's a little awkward, isn't it?
-I'm not a human according to myself.
-I'm very paranoid. I often think everyone is trying to kill me. Even inanimate objects are threatening to me.
-I have trouble with social interactions and I'm not very good at controlling my body. Right now, it's in fear mode so my fingers are cramping up and twitiching. I apologize for typos.
-Andrew in Melody's RP is more or less me. It was fun to write as myself.
-I have seven beings living in my head (although they often leave to get into shenanigans) that are pieces of my personality. They can control me at times or simply infulence my actions. The three Extremes are extremely unpleasant, spend most of their time sleeping, and when they wake up, they control me completely. The Puppet Master is an Extreme of fear. Dolls, puppets, clowns, creepy Vocaloid videos, anything. It likes them all. It likes giving me nightmares too. The Dragon is an overwhelming rage or wrath where I want to hurt and kill and burn everything. Naturally, because I would get into too much trouble otherwise, I hurt myself. The Oracle is my worst fear: that my parents will find out my schizophrenia and take away all my friends with medication. Murder them all, essentially. The other four are much nicer.
-Storm was named after the Storm in the RP, who, yes, is now my messanger, because I'm too lazy to do most trvial things myself. Also, I don't have enough time or energy. Anyway, Storm points out all my flaws, yells at me for them, and beats me for them. He is also a sadist. I mean, a real sadist. A little bit of a masochist, too, if you count me and him as the same person.
-Ruby is a boy. That's why Red uses "he" all the time when he refers to me. I wear his body a lot when I'm not wearing my human bod or Sakura's. Ruby is punctillious, loves grammar, reading, writing, editing, Alice books, and the Evillious Chronicles. That last one because they're complex and full of details and he delights in them.
-Sakura is a girl. She is pretty peppy and likes manipulating people. We tell her she's evil. I wear her body a lot whenever I want to be a girl. She likes singing and dancing and has a really impressive range which she cannot duplicate on me, but that doesn't stop her from trying. Oh, these guys usually call me "Sakura" or "Ruby" but everyone just kind of knows which one we're talking about.
-And, I'm sure you already know who the last one is! I'm going to let him type for himself. Hi, guys. Red here. I'm sorry I had to keep this a secret from you guys, but I didn't want Ruby to get hurt. Would you have trusted me if I'd shown up claiming that I live in Sakura's head? And that I wanted to lead you all like lemmings? I'm sorry I had to lie to you guys and pretend I'm a human. I really didn't want to. But, ya see, I don't have any friends who like me for who I am as a person. I'm not a human, but can you deny that I'm a person? I'm a being regarded as an individual. Doesn't that count for something? See, in our world, the one you all live in, I have to say invisible or in Ru-kun's head all day. People like Ru-kun because I make friends for him. They don't know that I'm the one behind it all. In other worlds, I can't make friends because for me, it's all business, business, business. And the few people who know about me in our world, well, they all think I'm an imaginary friend or something. And I'm not. I have thoughts and feelings independent from Ruby; I'm not just some made-up game. I can't be treated like a person in person because most people can't see me. One of our old friends was very, very rude to me about that andkept on making fun of me over email no matter how much I asked her to stop. That really, really hurt me. On the computer, you can be anything you want provided you have a pair of hands. They don't even have to be your hands. I'm sorry, but I really wanted to make friends. You guys are amazing and you're my only real friends. (And what are we, chopped liver?) You don't count, Ru-kun. I'm really, really, really sorry for the lying I've done. I just wanted to be friends with you all. That's all. And not everything I say is a lie! I really do have a mom and dad and we do have a house down the street from Ruby. I don't always stay there, but it's my home. I do go to school, indirectly, and I really do say comments that get commented by other humans like you- indirectly. So, I know I'm not a "human visitor" like the captchas says, but... Please, can we still be friends?
I can't believe I actually wrote all that. And my parents are home! And my dad has walked by about three times! And I'm actually going to submit this! I've never gotten so far before!
There was really no reason why I wrote all this today. I just felt like it.
submitted by Ruby M., age 14, Somewhere
(November 19, 2013 - 11:51 pm)
(November 19, 2013 - 11:51 pm)
Whoo, I blew someone's mind up again! That's the fifth one this month!
I'm kidding.
I find it kind of funny that no one in this world ever seems to mind the fact that my entire in-head universe is intent on blowing up the entire world.
(November 20, 2013 - 8:52 pm)
Wow. I have to admit, I was mind blown. I admire you, I don't think I could have dealt with it like you have. Really, I do admire you.
And I won't really think of Red and you any different now. You're the same people-my friends. Thanks for sharing that with us!
(November 20, 2013 - 8:46 pm)
Technically, I deal with it in a very bad way. The law says I'm supposed to tell an adult and receive medical treatment immediatly but to me, that's outright murder. I mean, it's fun to "kill off" your friends in a murder mystery but another to actually, literally, kill them off for the good of- whom? I know it won't make me feel better.
Anyway, if you ever start hallucinating (and if you've been having them your whole life, you probably won't realize they're not real by most human standards), you should tell an sult. Or just keep it secret and maybe only discuss 'em with a few people you trust or at least don't fear. But don't tell anyone I said that. Shhhhh. *walks off whistling innocently*
Captcha says epco. Epcot is a Disneyland thing, right? I've never gone to Disneyland. Too many people.
(November 20, 2013 - 11:22 pm)
Thanks for finally letting that out there. I also figured this was coming and I'm glad that you finally had the courage to do it. I'm not going to think you're any different. That's just how life is for you. Red, Ruby, and Sakura are all awesome and whoever the *beep* is also there is welcome here too as long as the admins will see them as appropriate. I just want to know who you'll be posting as now. I hope Red and Ruby will still be there and if Sakura even wants to make a comeback, that's awesome. Of course, if only one of them wants to post, that's fine, too. (I hope I'm referring to everything in the correct terms.)
(November 20, 2013 - 9:42 pm)
Red: Melody, that was amazing. I'm really touched. By all of you guys. Thank you all so much.
Ruby: Sakura has never posted here. I used to use her name, but I'm not really Sakura nor Ruby. That's confusing, isn't it? I'm the main one. The central brain. The one that started it all.
Red: The One Brain to rule them all. The One Brain to find them and in the darkness bind them.
Ruby: Sakura and Ruby technically don't really care. I mean, they don't really want friends. This may seem odd, but they're not driven by emotion. Sakura appears to have friends because she interacts with people to use them as she wishes. Ruby doesn't even care to do that much. They're comfortable enough to have each other and Red and me. It'll be pretty unlikely that they show up here. If they did, I don't think they would sound even remotely human.
Oh, gosh, my Dad just walked by and looked at what I was typing. Nearly gave me a heart attack.
Red: I'm still going to be hanging around, of course! So, I'll see you all around!
(November 20, 2013 - 10:08 pm)
Oh, OK, I think I get what you're saying.
(November 20, 2013 - 10:45 pm)
Melody, I can't tell you how great it feels to hear other people cursing at Storm.
(November 20, 2013 - 11:23 pm)
I'm back with another post about this because I realized while I was washing my hair I had more to say...
I'm also going to apologize in advance if this doesn't make any sense or sounds offensive in any way because I'm tired and I think I may have had some errors in here. No one get mad at me please.
I'd be the last person to go "It's 'different'. Let's lock it up in a cage and poke it with stuff." because (not to make anybody's head hurt) what is really so bad about 'different'? Like society just kinda dictates what should and shouldn't be happening and it's kind of unfair to those who just aren't as cookie-cutter normal as everyone else. Like seriously, who's going to say what you've described here isn't 'good'? Have they experienced it? Honestly, I would like to get inside your head just one second and see this for myself because I've only lived life as myself. I'd like to see inside anyone else's head because maybe what I've experienced and thought of as normal isn't what's perceived by a majority of what we call 'humans'.
And I'm about to give myself a complex here because I'm being so philosophical, but the point is, if you were worried no one would accept you, you had no reason to worry, because you're 'normal' in your own way. Just... If you have any problems or situations, no matter how unbelievable you think it would be for other people, don't be afraid to talk to people irl or on the CB. But since you were able to let this secret out, which I could tell took a lot of courage for you, I don't think you'll be afraid of it.
In fact, that goes for all of you reading this... If you have something big that you're not sure would be accepted by that weird thing called society, just say it. Although, you have to remember the omnipotent admins won't certain things through. Which is fine with me, because I do think some regulation is good.
(November 20, 2013 - 10:39 pm)
*won't let certain things through
See, I told you there'd be errors! My iPad's charge is down to 5% and I need some to be able to listen to music to fall asleep tonight so I'm out. Ruby and Red, if there's a reply from you guys, I'll look for it in the morning. Time to sleep. Melly is out!
(November 20, 2013 - 10:56 pm)
I saw this and I thought, "What, you're going to bed already?" and then I remembered it's, like, eleven or twelve where you live and then I thought "What, you're up that late?". Bad, bad Melody.
Captcha says omfk. I make that noise sometimes.
(November 20, 2013 - 11:25 pm)
Yeah, it was eleven when I wrote that. Which means I stayed up way too late. So be happy. My tiredness today is because of you.
(November 21, 2013 - 4:21 pm)
I have epiphanies in the shower, too. Probably because I have nothing to do but talk with the people in my head and, well, shower, of course. Like, for instance, Red says he wants to make RP characters named the Thingyma twins- Bob and Jig. We were bored.
I'm aware that the majority of people won't outright attack "different" things, but subconciously, many people are against "different". Would you really have trusted me if I had shown up saying, "Hi, I'm schizophrenic!" (Wait, I didn't know I was schizy when I was twelve. I would have said, "Hi, I'm a magical metaphysical idea born into a human body!")? Or what if Red showed up with, "Hello, everynyaa, I live in Sakura's head. I like lemmings. That is all there is to say. Carry on,"? I wouldn't really trust anyone like that. I doubt that subconciously most people would. It's easier to familiarize yourself with people and then tell them you're vastly different from them. I've done this before. Trust me.
I know logically that people probably won't hate me, but I have dreams often where people torture me for being different. It's always run by people I know. It's violent and horrid and I'm always sore after I wake up.
I can't talk about it irl often because I've found out the hard way that kids tell their parents and parents tell teachers and teachers tell your parents and then you have A Talk and then you end up at the psychologist's. Fun stuff.
The Admins rarely censor me, which I find odd. If I write a particularly bloody or creepy day in the ski lodge, I always save a copy on my computer to have in case the Admins censor some of it, but they never do.
This is quite random, but it bugs me a little bit when people say "I'm so crazy!" when they're not, they're just creative and funny. I mean, I use the term "crazy" colloquially to avoid suspicion and whenever I use it about someone else, it's a good thing. But it annoys me a little because Storm uses that word (and a lot of worse ones) when he hurts me and I just feel like it isn't a good thing and people aren't using it right.
The ski lodge murder mystery was obviously fiction and although murder is horrible, some of the story was so funny! You're a very creative, skilled writer.
Admin
(November 20, 2013 - 11:45 pm)
I'm here to reply because I'm in a computer lab in my German class and have nothing else to do. I'll probably be back next period, because it's creative writing and I just have to edit my story, which I can do in two seconds.
I think that if you had introduced youself earlier on and explained it the same way you had in this thread instead of just going "Hi, I'm schizophrenic." and then not just explaining what it meant, I think I would have thought you were weird. That's a compliment coming from me. I think if Red intoduced himself as that, I would have been fine with that, too. I'd probably think he was a character you made up at first, though, until it was explained better.
I also think that you're not, like, insane by today's standards. You're just a different type of person, which is okay. I mean, my brain works differently from the rest of the world. It makes like these weird connections which allows me to memorize like everything. I'm also pretty sure the level of perfectionism I'm at should be classified as a mental disorder. So don't even worry.
About how you don't like it when someone says "I'm so crazy.", just remember, crazy is an opinion. They could be crazy by their own standards and you could be normal by theirs.
Gah, I'm bad at this. One time, when my friend told me she had dyslexia, I said "I don't care" when I meant "It's not going to change anything." I'm just not good at communicating because I'm so introverted. Please tell me I don't sound like a moron xD.
In conclusion, you need to start another murder mystery. Because those are honestly the highlight of my year and I need to educate Red more on the subject of Disney.
(November 21, 2013 - 8:58 am)
Technically, according to the dictionary (stop laughing, the dictionary is the ultimate authority!), insane means that someone is in a state of mind that prevents normal perception, behavior, or social interaction which is very tures for me. But okay.
You don't sound like a moron.
I will start another in January. I have way too much work to start it before then. We have to do a Chemistry project that requires at least SEVENTY-FIVE reliable sources. I kid you not. I'm scared of that thing. But, yes, please, do educate Red in all things Disney. You have my blessing. *evil grin*
(November 21, 2013 - 5:12 pm)
I am kind of confused, but in a way where I know everything that is happening. Thank you for telling the CB.
Sometimes I doubt there are seventy five reliable sources that don't involve inter-library loan.
(November 25, 2013 - 9:48 pm)