Jokes!As in

Chatterbox: Down to Earth

Jokes!As in

Jokes!

As in the plural noun, not the Nerdfighter adjective.

So, what are some jokes you know?

How many computer technicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Sorry, that's a hardware problem.

submitted by Gollum, Mooseflower
(January 17, 2013 - 6:57 pm)

Bad Science Jokes:

Neutron walks into a bar.  He goes to pay.  Bartender says, "For you sir, there's no charge!"

Photon checks into a hotel.  Hotel manager asks if he needs any help with his bags.  Photon says, "No, sir, I'm traveling light!"

Ba-dum-chh

submitted by Melody, age 14, Maleficent's Lair
(January 18, 2013 - 4:29 pm)

A friend told me this in fifth grade:

An old man buys his very first cellphone. He's very excited. One day, on the freeway, his wife calls him. She says, "Be careful. I was just watching TV and they said that one nutter is in the wrong lane." The old man looks up and says, "One nutter? There are hundreds!" 

submitted by Ruby M., age 13, Somewhere
(January 19, 2013 - 10:28 am)

A Hamburger and a hot dog walk into a bar.  The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

---

How do you fit four elephants into a mini cooper?

Two in the front, two in the back.

How do you know if there is one elephant in your refrigerator?

You see the foot prints in the butter.

How do you know if there are two elephants in you refrigerator?

You hear them giggle when the light goes out.

How do you know if there are three elephants in your refrigerator?

It's kind of hard to close the door.

How do you know if there are four elephants in your refrigerator?

There's a mini cooper parked outside.

---

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Ether.

Ether who?

Ether bunny.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Nuther.

Nuther Who?

Nuther ether bunny.

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Stella.

Stella Who?

Stella nuther ether bunny.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Cargo.

Cargo who?

Cargo beep beep and run over all the ether bunnies!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Boo.

Boo who?

Don't cry, ether bunny will be back next year.

---

Mary Poppins went into a restaurant and ordered cauliflower cheese.  The manager was flattered at having such a distinguished guest, so he asked her to sign the guest book and write what she thought of the food.  She wrote, "Super cauliflower cheese but eggs were quite atrocious!"

---

Gandhi walked barefoot a lot, so he had a lot of callouses on his feet.  He fasted a lot, so he was very frail.  His weird diet gave him bad breath.  This rendered him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

---

Why did Mary Poppins buy Kleenex in bulk?

Because of the super new infectious strain of chronic runny noses.

---

How often do I tell jokes about the elements?

Periodically.

---

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

---

I named my iPod Titanic, and now it's syncing.

---

No matter how much you push the envolope, it's still stationary.

---

An old piece of string walks into a bar, and the bartender tells him to get out.  The string walks out, and twists himself up.  He walks into the bar, and the bartender says,

"Have you seen a piece of string around here?"

"Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

---

I screwed in a lightbulb, crossed the road, walked into a bar and realized my whole life was a joke.

---

Two guys walk into a bar.  The third one ducks.

***

That's just a little bit of the extent of my joke knowledge. 

submitted by GOllum, Moosefrlower
(January 19, 2013 - 11:38 am)

Okay, here's one:

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if the flew over the bay they would be baygulls (bagels)!

submitted by Ivy
(January 19, 2013 - 3:32 pm)

I told my friend that, and he said "What do you call a seagull that flies over the Hudson River and has lived in New York City for twenty years?" My instinctive response was "a pigeon."

submitted by Gollum, Mooseflower
(January 22, 2013 - 8:35 pm)

I used to have one signature joke, then someone went and made it into the Duck Song on YouTube.

submitted by Melody, age 14, Maleficent's Lair
(January 19, 2013 - 6:59 pm)

Derogatory band jokes :)

What is the flaming oboe used for? To set the bassoon on fire.

What's a perfect pitch on a piccolo? One that doesn't hit the rim of the toilet as it goes in.

What's the range on a piccolo? Forty feet if the wind is right.

What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chainsaw? The chainsaw has vibrato.

What's the difference between a tuba and a garbage truck? One is a nasty, loud, scum-encrusted hulk, and the other is a public sanitation vehicle.

What's the difference between a trombone and a trampoline? I take off my shoes to jump on a trampoline!

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? Nobody cries when you cut up and oboe.

What do you do if your kid can't play his instrument? Give him two sticks and put him in the back.

What do you do if he can't do that? Take away one of his sticks and put him in the front.

How do you get two French horns in tune? Shoot one of them.

How many conductors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Nobody knows, because nobody watches!

How many clarinets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one, but they have to go through the ENTIRE box until they find the RIGHT one.

How many trumpets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but they have to have the entire section standing around them saying how they could do it better, higher, stronger.

How do you know if a trumpet player has just walked in? Your music stand falls over.

That last one is a tribute to my band director - he has this whole thing where "Trumpet players have these huge egos that go before them and knock things over."

Hope you understand them! Also, did you notice the DISTINCT LACK of saxophone jokes? Uh-huh. that's because we are the BESTEST.

Yava says ampz. Niiice, amperes.

--L 

 

May I add one from the orchestra?

How do you know there are two viola players standing on your front porch? They never know when to come in. (Substitute any instrument you like, with apologies to all violists.)

Admin 1

submitted by L
(January 20, 2013 - 5:12 pm)

Grrr.

submitted by Gollum, Viola Player
(January 21, 2013 - 11:15 am)

I can't offer any kind of opinions on orchestral pursuits.

submitted by L
(January 21, 2013 - 4:28 pm)

I would get offended at the clarinet one, but it's completely true.

submitted by Melody, age 14, Maleficent's Lair
(January 21, 2013 - 7:30 pm)

And then halfway through one box of "lightbulbs" they decide they want another brand of them and go buy a hugeley expensive box of these new and fancier lightbulbs.  

As a clarinet player also, I have some problems with my reeds.:P 

submitted by Scarlett P.
(March 3, 2013 - 7:03 pm)

I didn't get the french horn one, and I have to agree that you saxophones are (in some cases, but not all, awesome cousin who plays trumpet) better than trumpets. Plus you have alot of the same parts as us hornies, so yeah. Here's a joke: How many French Horns are ther going to be in a band of 137? Only two! Me and the other kid from my school, and no one from the other two! (Okay, no bodys laughing, but it really happened! And 34/137 were clarinets, and just a few less saxaphones. I was on a end seat and didn't have to sit next to anyone but the other French Horn!)

submitted by Theo W., age 12, The Horn section
(January 22, 2013 - 6:37 pm)

Yeah, we  only have 2 French horns.

submitted by Melody, age 14, Duckburg
(January 26, 2013 - 10:38 pm)

We have one and a half. Because Eater-of-Mjolnir, who happens to play French horn, accidentally almost destroyed his instrument getting a drink of water. It looks like a clamshell and it has yet to come back from Marshall's. So our best French horn player is stuck on a really bad loaner.

submitted by L
(January 31, 2013 - 5:47 pm)

We have a band of forty kids with eight saxophones (including yours truly) and ONE French Horn who plays so quietly it is impossible to hear her at all. I went to an honor band about a month ago and there were ten French horns and I could HEAR THEM :D:D:D:D

submitted by Zach L.
(February 21, 2013 - 11:24 am)