Chatterbox: Chirp at Cricket

Dilemma.

I love my brother so much. He’s my best friend (for context, we’re twins). And I very, very badly want him to join the CB. But in real life, I use different pronouns (she/her) than on here. Which is to say, I use they/faer pronouns on the CB because they’re comfy and just feel wonderful--but my brother (let’s call him Aether) doesn’t know that. I look up to him SO much, but I’m also scared that he’s going to think differently of me if he finds out. You see, I’ve never told anyone this before, but a long while ago, I tried to come out as nonbinary. I’m not sure how to describe why I felt nonbinary, or if I felt nonbinary at all—I just wanted to experiment with my gender. Which is normal (I...hope). So after Aether told me he was AroAce, I thought it was safe to tell him I was nonbinary. And he cried. And was angry with me. I tried to tell him it was a joke. And he didn’t believe me. So then I told Aether to just forget I said anything, and that’s how life was for awhile. It just went back to normal. But then, I told him again another time, and he was okay with it. Just sad, because...I guess he liked having a sister. So then I told him I wanted to come out to our parents, and...I honestly don’t remember what he said. Something like it was my choice and he’d love me no matter what. So...I came out. It was a disaster. I was so scared that when I told my parents, I broke down crying. Not because they would hurt me, or stop loving me, but just because I’d worked myself up so much. They couldn’t understand—and didn’t even think it was possible—for me to be a demigirl (she/they). They inquired why it was I felt this way, and was it because I “just didn’t feel girly,” and things like that. I couldn’t answer their questions, or even EXPLAIN what a demigirl was. Let me be clear about this—I am not in an abusive family whatsoever. In this situation, they were merely inquiring why I felt this way—and I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t explain that I just wanted to try something new. So they gave me an out—asking if I felt like this because I wasn’t girly enough—and...I took it. I just wanted this night from to be OVER. And every time my mom checks in on me (she currently thinks I have NO DOUBT in my femeninity), I tell her...”No, haha, don’t worry. Definitely not.” Is it possible for me to use nonbinary pronouns but still be in touch and slightly identify with my femeninity? I have no clue, but that’s what I want. DESPERATELY. And my grandparents are a different story. My grandfather is...pretty anti-LGBTQIA+ in the sense that he doesn’t want to put up with it if it’s all in your face and whatnot. And my friends (aside from a few) would...probably stop hanging out with me, or at least distance themselves if I ever came out to them; specifically my ONE FEMALE FRIEND that I love SO MUCH, and my other friend, Q. I love Q. He’s the funniest, kindest, and most lovely person I know. I love him like a brother, and to lose him would be like losing an arm. And on top of that, he’s had a crush on me since 3rd grade. It feels so nice for someone to like me like that (Q has no clue I know that he likes me). I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to lose them. I wish there was a way for me to come out without losing people. I wish I could talk to someone IRL like this. I wish I knew you guys in real life. Knowing you guys would fix everything.

-Parody

@Admins, please at least post some of this comment. I wrote it from my iphone late at night and am too tired to make it shorter. Please let the other CBers see if they could help in any other way. I’m sorry this is so long. I’m sorry. Also, my thumbs are going numb from typing so much. Please don’t leave me alone to deal with this on my own.