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All Seven HP books from Voldemort's point of view. Again.
OK, I realize...
OK, I realize that there are a lot of Harry Potter threads on here, but I missed my Voldemort parody, and it was too far gone to resurrect, so, I decided to make a new thread and copy and paste it, maybe change a little of the wording. Here it is! :)
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Philosopher's Stone. Whatever.
CHAPTER ONE:
Voldemort: *walks up to Potter family's house* Oh, and before you ask, the reason I'm not trying this on Neville Longbottom--well, just listen to his last name! Longbottom...I ask you...
*bursts in* I think I'll kill James Potter, even though he's a pureblood! But I might not kill Lily, despite her being Muggle-born! This is kind of out of character for me, when I think about it...ah, well, what the hey.
*kills James Potter*
*follows Lily upstairs*
Lily: Oh no, not Harry, please, not Harry, I'll do anything--
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ME: You know, I think we'd better gloss over this part, otherwise it might stop being funny.
Voldemort:...This is supposed to be funny? I'm murdering people!!
ME: You think it's funny.
Voldemort: Well, I'm a supervillian, aren't I?
ME: OK, good point. Back to the story.
************************************************************************
Voldemort: *tries to kill Harry*
(Part of Voldemort's soul: I like this kid. *latches on to Harry* Sh. Don't tell Voldy.)
Voldemort: OWWWWWW! That-hurt. It STILL HURTS! Yah! Gah! Ouch! Help! Gack! Fire! Help help!
After an hour or so of this...
AAAAAAAAH...hey, it doesn't hurt anymore. Where's my body?
*moment of silence*
MY BODY!!! Say, what did happen to it? JKR never really explained...
ME: That's what I'm wondering. Apparently it vaporized. Your Horcruxes worked, though, so don't complain.
Voldemort: I'm not. *drifts away* See ya in the next chapter!
So, whatcha think? I'll be re-posting Chapter Two just as soon as this thread shows up. Well...have fun! :D
Andy P. C. says uupt. Up? Thanks, Andy!
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
submitted by Wolfgirl67, age ~13~, Rewriting my parody.
(July 1, 2011 - 7:17 pm)
(July 1, 2011 - 7:17 pm)
Oh yeah, I remember this. It was really funny! You should definitely keep posting (or resurrecting, or reincarnating, or whatever).
(July 2, 2011 - 11:48 am)
Hilarious! Please go on and don't stop!
(July 2, 2011 - 12:24 pm)
@Alexandra/Elizabeth M.: OK, since you guys like it so much, I will! :D
Chapter Two
Voldemort: Isn't this set ten years in the future?
ME: Yes.
Voldemort: So what have I been doing for the past ten years?
ME:...Don't you know?
Voldemort: No. I turned my back for maybe three hours, and when I come back, it's ten years later! By the way, I'm still a wraith/spirit/thing. Any ideas on fixing that?
ME: I'm working on it, I'm working on it. Just be quiet and get on with the story already!
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Voldemort: So, for some background info, because the author-
ME: Quit glaring!
Voldemort: OK, OK, fine...the author of this parody has abruptly stuck me ten years in the future without any warning whatsoever...according to the graveyard scene in GoF, I have been wandering about possessing snakes and things, which is very boring. And very disgusting.
ME: I thought you like snakes.
Voldemort: I do. But I don't like their menu. Ever tasted a mouse?
ME: OK, OK, I get your point! Just-stop talking! Eww...
Voldemort: Anyhoo...
*wanders off and just happens to find Professor Quirrell, who just happens to be a new teacher at Hogwarts, and it just happens to be the very year Harry will be going...this seems like rather a lot of coincidences, don't you think?*
*possesses Quirrell*
Quirrell: G-Gack!
Voldemort: Shut up! Do you want everyone to hear you?
Quirrell: N-No sir. W-Who are you?
Voldemort: And quit stammering! It gets on my nerves.
Quirrell: Sorry. Who are you?
Voldemort: Lord Voldemort.
Quirrell: *gasps* The evil Dark Lord? He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? HELP! FIRE! MURDER!
Voldemort: Be quiet! I'm not evil!
Quirrell:...Are you being sarcastic?
Voldemort: No, I'm lying through my teeth. Can't you tell?
Quirrell: Oh.
Voldemort: BUT--so that you will do what you were supposed to in the canon--you will randomly choose to believe every word I say.
Quirrell: I have randomly chosen to believe every word you say.
Voldemort: Very good! Now...*adopts mystic voice* There is no good and evil. There is only power, and those too weak to seek it...
Quirrell: Why do you sound as if you're breathing through your mouth while you're talking?
Voldemort: That was my mystic voice! Couldn't you tell?
Quirrell: No. *changes subject* Do you really believe that about there being no good and evil?
Voldemort: Of course not! But you do.
Quirrell:...I do? Why?
Voldemort: *talks through teeth* Because you have randomly chosen to believe every word I say, remember?
Quirrell: Oh yeah! *snaps fingers*
Voldemort: Good. Now. You will memorize what I just told you, and when, at the end of the book, you confront Harry Potter and start talking about me possessing you, you will say it to him.
Quirrell: OK. There is no good and--
Voldemort: Not out loud!
Quirrell: Oh. OK. Just out of curiosity...where the heck are you?
Voldemort: Attached to the back of your head.
Quirrell: The back of my--!
Voldemort: Don't worry about it! I'll be gone by the end of the book.
Quirrell: OK. So, whatcha wanna talk about?
Voldemort: Nothing. Act normal.
Quirrell: O-Okay. L-Like this?
Voldemort: Exactly. And go buy a turban.
Quirrell: A turban? Why?
Voldemort:...Duh...? To hide my face on the back of your head!
Quirrell: Oh...oh yeah.
Voldemort: *facepalms despite not having any palms* This is going to be a long, long parody.
Well, there's Chapter Two! Have fun with it, and I will post Chapter Three soon. :)
Andy P. C. says gcvp.
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
(July 2, 2011 - 7:11 pm)
Haha! I'm laughing my head off! I can't wait to read more!
(July 3, 2011 - 7:29 am)
Really. Funny. Post the next chapter please : )
(July 8, 2011 - 12:10 pm)
Hilarious!!!!!!!!!! Please post the next chapter soon. :D
(July 12, 2011 - 8:14 pm)
TOP!!!! TOP!!! TOP!!!!! I WANT TO SEND THIS TO MY COUSIN!!! TOOOOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(September 10, 2011 - 4:45 pm)